Men's Groups - Care, Feeding (and Starting)

Good Men

2010-12-27T15:35:00.000-05:00

This is a good Blog

Characteristics of Men

2010-09-28T13:50:00.001-04:00

Hi Michael,

I believe there is a basic "Male Human Nature" and a corresponding (complementary) "Female Human Nature." This does not mean to dismiss or demean those people who chose to alter their initial biological sexual "assignment." Nor does it mean than men and women can't change roles, assume career and child rearing responsibilities successfully.

These human natures were shaped as part of the "evolution" of man over the course of a hundred and fifty thousand years. Because we are large brained (and that huge brain has to grow dramatically after birth.... our progeny are born helpless and remain so for a considerable length of time while the size of the cranium grows to a size that would never be able to pass through the birth Canal. It takes a lot of time and energy to feed and protect our children. More than is possible by just a woman. Thus men and women have become partners with an "division of labor" that has been refined over tens of thousands of years.

So you ask the question, "What, IF ANY is THE characteristic that defines us as men? I assume there is implied here "relative to women..." You do quickly acknowledge that there are many characteristics. A broad range of "physical ones" - musclature, penis, hormones, size. More interesting to me are the behavioral and deeper the internal psychology. Just as evolution has shaped our bodies, so it has with how we "are" in the world.. how we perceive ourselves, how we satisfy our needs... what those inner needs are. Now I realize that this kind of recognition is highly upsetting to Feminists... that its terribly "politically incorrect."

I do not agree with your men's group consensus... " there are groupings of tendencies that define the genders and they are broadening to decrease the sharpness of the dichotomy of men and women." I believe we are hard-wired as male and female - that these characteristics define men and women. There are sharp differences and those differences are distinct and serve a purpose - survival of the individual and that individual's offspring. There are role changes that are individual adaptive responses. Woman provides, man nurtures and raises children - but these are relatively rare.

Genetically speaking, there is no reason why the gene for Male inner perception and outer relationship with the world has to, 100% of the time be linked with the male sex organs. It is possible for the Female inner perception and outer relationship to be in a male body. And just how powerful this gene is is amply demonstrated by those individuals who have their sexual organs changed... (A thought that makes many men break out in a sweat and cross their legs at the mere mention of the idea.

I would say that there are thousands of male characteristics that we all share (those of us have the male inner perception and outer relationship with the world.. gene.

Frank

On Tue, Sep 28, 2010 at 10:26 AM, Michael

wrote:

Michael has left a new comment on your post "Men's Network Male Involvement in Church":

I'm Michael Rogers here on the Central coast of California.
Last night I led a men's group in an attempt to find an answer to a question that to me seems to be not only relevant but critical to we men: What if any is the characteristic that defines us as men?
The immediate response is "I have a penis" There are many that will however disagree in that while they have one live and appear as a woman. There is a continuum ranging from the trans gender individuals that have their physical bodies changed to that of a woman's at least in appearance and those that either from a doctors modifying it at birth or the 1 in 100 with sexually related variances to those that choose to wear some piece of attire usually associated with woman.
There is a lot of variance throughout the population that makes a simple distinction difficult.
There are other continua: differences in women's and men's brains, size, and approach to the world.
The end result we seemed to arrive at is that is there are groupings of tendencies that define the genders and they are broadening to decrease the sharpness of the dichotomy of men and women.
It seems to me that research needs to be done to further focus on determining the variables and determining where we are on these as men so as to be able to optimize our innate abilities as men.

Posted by Michael to Men's Groups - Care, Feeding (and Starting) at September 28, 2010 11:26 AM

What Do Men Need?

2008-04-24T06:06:00.000-04:00

A Hierarchy of Needs

Fifty years ago the psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote about the Hierarchy of Needs. According to Maslow, people have some needs that basically must be fulfilled in a particular order. Starting at the top, they are:

Self-transcendence
Self-actualization
Esteem
Belonging
Safety
Physiological

Although not every need at one level must be fully met before a person can aspire to the next level, the general outline rings true. Under physiological, for instance, we need air, water, food, and shelter (among other things). If we can't breathe, it doesn't matter if we're thirsty or starving or if we have no roof over our heads. And until those needs are met, we're not likely to worry too much about establishing some protection from saber-tooth tigers (or muggers). Likewise, if we are in physical danger, our self-esteem takes a back seat.

I want explore the middle two items, Belonging and Esteem, and what they might mean to us ordinary men.

Most of us have a sense of belonging in our families, our communities, our places of work. This gives us a rootedness, a compass by which we guide ourselves through life. It would seem a natural thing, then, for esteem to be a logical next step: we are loved, we are useful to others, and so on.
Feeling Like Crap

So why do so many men feel like crap? Or if we don't, why are we of absolutely no opinion about ourselves - in other words, why are we so numb?

We can talk about the devaluing of men in society and the assaults of feminism, and these may be factors, perhaps even significant ones. But I think there's a bigger factor: Men no longer get a sense of belonging from other men.

Many men get only tiny tastes of belonging from within even the best and most loving family. As for communities, they are atomized into cocoon-like households and typically offer even less belonging. Most workplaces are not long on social support, and aren't designed to be.

Many of us, often without knowing why, are isolated and lonely, even when we have a nice job and a loving marriage and family. A numbness sets in, and it feels natural. After all, we're meeting society's and our family's expectations to be a provider, a good and quiet citizen, and (depending on our situation) a faithful and loyal family man. This numbness affects all our relationships.
Men's Belonging

Where can men get a sense of belonging that will resonate with esteem and in turn give us a better sense of belonging in our families and communities?

Here are some other ways to put the question: Where can men get the most connectedness and understanding of what it's like to be a man? Where can men feel total acceptance of ourselves as men? I don't mean acceptance as husbands, or fathers, or workers, or leaders, or heroes, or anything like that. I mean acceptance for simply being male.

From other men.

I think if you get a few men together, and give us some time, we begin to come out of our loneliness and isolation to find that we're not the only ones with a full range of spiritual yearnings, sexual joys and frustrations, rage against abusive bosses, deep love for our children and partners, glory in our large and small victories, grief over our losses and compromises, zaniness and raunch, utter fatigue and distraction from just being a man.

Yes, our wives and girlfriends understand us - on their terms, or in terms of being part of a couple. But, simply because we are men, we have a far greater potential of understanding, and being understood by, other men.

This is not touchy-feely encounter stuff with lots of (perhaps) unmanly chatter. Our understanding can be nonverbal, contained in a glance, a knowing grimace, a grunt of appreciation. It's a kind of intimacy, but not the kind in which personal boundaries come crashing down. It's more like finding ourselves standing on common ground, a ground larger than the little islands we thought we were stranded on. When we do talk and listen, it's from the heart, with a clarity that can surprise us. The depth of understanding is a phenomenon I've seen in weekend gatherings, week-long retreats, and an afternoon of drumming and poetry.

The esteem part comes when we realize that we matter to other men, that our value to each other is simply in being men and not in accomplishing great feats. Because other men accept us - whole communities of men - we begin to accept ourselves and matter to ourselves.

This esteem can be brought back into marriages and families, strengthening connections there. In fact, I've heard several men report that, when things got shaky at home, their wives or partners said, in effect, "Time to do some more men's work."
The Challenge

I know it's likely that I'm preaching to the choir here. Most men reading this newsletter have already had some experience in, or at least interest in, men's groups.

But how can we spread the experience around? I'm not talking about becoming a "movement," just perhaps expanding our men's groups to include a few more men, or spawning off a new group in a new community.

I've been told that attendance at gatherings is declining, at least here in the Northeast. If the decline in men's work is widespread, it's possible that, as a collective, men are sliding down further into the pit of loneliness.

So here's an action plan: If you're involved in men's work in a men's group or by attending gatherings, invite another man to join you. If you lead a group, discuss expanding it and encourage the men to bring a friend. If you're not already in a group, you may have to start your own. See How to Start a Men's Group for some ideas.

It's a small start. But each man you bring into men's work is one more man who has a sense of belonging and self-esteem and who can bring those qualities back to his family and community.

From Menletter June 2004
by Tim Baehr

NINE questions you should ask your partner annually

2008-03-18T06:57:00.003-04:00

10 questions you should ask your partner annually

What could I do to make you feel more loved?

What could I do to make you feel more respected?

What could I do to make you feel more understood?

What could I do to make you more secure?

What can I do to make you feel more confident in our future direction?

What attribute would you like me to develop?

What attribute would you like me to help you develop?

What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy?

What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?

Optional - Have I overlooked any question you would like for me to ask?

The Invitation . . .

2008-01-24T10:51:00.000-05:00

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart's longing

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled
and closed from fear of further pain

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it

I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine and your own
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips
of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful... be realistic...or
to remember the limitations of being a human

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day
and if you can source your life from ITS presence

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand
on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES !"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you
have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone...and do what needs to be done for the children

It doesn't interest me who you are...how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
Indian Elder MAY 1994.

The Philosophy of Mensactivism.org

2008-01-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

The Philosophy of Mensactivism.org

Here we describe the purpose and philosophical guidelines under which The Men's Activism News Network is run. We hope this page will help to clarify what Mensactivism.org is about, and what our selection criteria are for news stories.
Purpose:

The underlying purpose of The Men's Activism News Network is twofold:

To provide pro-male activists with news and information that will aid them in working toward establishing equal rights for men and the improvement of men's lives.

To encourage participation in activism projects, and to promote membership in men's rights organizations which coordinate activism efforts and serve as a supportive network for men.

In addition to these two principles, Mensactivism.org would like to reach out to as many pro-male men and women as possible. We try to post news and information that is of interest to people of many different backgrounds and political ideologies, within reason (ie, gender idealogues who hate men need not apply). Frequently, you may see articles posted to Mensactivism.org that come from different, sometimes contradictory perspectives. We do this because we want to help foster a dialogue between those with differing views on men's rights issues, and to recognize that there are often issues which are not black and white within our movement.

With that in mind, here is how we generally deal with potentially controversial issues within the men's movement:
Conservative or Liberal? Progressive or Traditional?

Mensactivism.org aims to be as apolitical as possible. Liberals, conservatives, libertarians, and people from other political backgrounds should be able to find something of interest on this site. Also, we believe that there are ways to promote men's rights through political activism with most political parties, and encourage people to do so. Thus, we will occasionally report on a political party or candidate's activity when it is related to men's rights, but this in no way endorses or condemns any party or candidate as pro- or anti-male.

Whether men are happier with their traditional roles vs. the changing and expansion of men's roles is also not a black and white issue. Stories related to both perspectives will be frequently posted.
Political Correctness/Racial Issues/Gay Issues

Mensactivism.org does not believe that political correctness, in and of itself, is a good thing. However, we do support the many issues that men of color and gay or bisexual men face, and want to encourage all men, regardless of their race or sexual orientation, to work together to improve men's lives and dignity. We will post news when it is related to the status of minority or gay men as men. General news stories about race issues or gay rights are unlikely to be posted unless they specifically relate to the rights of men. We do this to maintain the focus of The Men's Activism News Network, not to discourage people from participating in other civil rights causes.

Mensactivism.org has no official position on gay rights, affirmative action, and other related issues. Views presented on this web site about these issues are limited to the individual who made them, and do not represent the views of Mensactivism.org.
Women's Violence and the Portrayal of Women

We believe that one of the misperceptions that is currently harming equality and men's rights is the myth that women are less violent than men. Although pointing readers to examples of women's violence is one way to help break down this myth, we do not wish to attack women merely for the sake of "exposing women's faults" - after all, the media is currently too eager to portray men as abusers, murderers and rapists. Therefore, unless the news story is related to an issue which is more closely tied with men's issues (ie, an example of domestic violence against men, or inequality in sentencing female criminals), we will generally not post stories that are simply about women being violent.

Mensactivism.org would also like it to be made very clear that even though we post news about women who have falsely accused men of rape or harassment, we do not claim that all women do this, or that services which support female victims should be abolished (although we do believe men should have similar services available to them, which is often not the case).

The Men's Activism News Network also welcomes the contributions of women to this movement, and receives a significant amount of participation from women. Although we believe that male-only groups are of great benefit to men and society, we ultimately believe that it is only when men and women work together with trust and respect for each other that justice for everyone will be achieved.
Are we taking things too seriously?

Some people might say that we're reading too much into some of the material that is posted to Mensactivism.org, that we're over-analyzing the media or have no sense of humor. Perhaps in some circumstances, this could be true. But the goal of this site is to make people aware of the fact that men are treated unfairly because of their sex, and that many of these ways are so deeply embedded in our culture that it can be difficult to view them in this light. Men's roles have traditionally been not to complain about their problems, and some people might find our articles out of line in this sense. But it's important if we are to achieve equality and be treated as whole human beings, that we speak out about injustices and dissatisfactions in men's lives.
Why we're not a men's rights organization

Please note that The Men's Activism News Network is not really an organization, but a service to pro-male activists and groups. We feel that there are plenty of excellent men's rights organizations out there and we should avoid the creation of further divisions within the movement when possible. Mensactivism.org readers and contributors are members of a community, but we do not have official meetings, membership lists, or anything like that. Anyone with a sincere interest is men's issues is welcome to become part of this community.

-- The Mensactivism.org Admin Team

The Christmas truce of 1914

2007-12-11T12:58:00.001-05:00

The Christmas truce of 1914

Informal truces and small armistices have often taken place during prolonged periods of fighting … the military history of the last two centuries, abounds with incidents of friendship between enemies. The fact that these events occur are assurances, for all of us, that man is, in his inner most being, a creature of compassion and peace.

In the Peninsula War British and French Troops at times visited each others lines, drew water at the same wells and even sat around the same campfire. In the Crimean War British, French and Russians at quiet times also gathered around the same fire, smoking and drinking. In the American Civil War Yankees and Rebels traded tobacco, coffee and newspapers, fished peacefully on opposite sides of the same stream and even collected wild blackberries together. Similar stories are told of the Boer War, in which on one occasion, during a conference of commanders, the rank and file of both sides engaged in a friendly game of football.

The Christmas truce of 1914 does not stand alone; on the other hand it is undoubtedly the greatest example of its kind… in which thousands of soldiers English, French, Belgian and German at the fifth month of the savage 52 month World War I…left their trenches and joined together in no man’s land to celebrate Christmas together….

A Christmas Truce - by Kevin Radcliffe

On the frozen fields of Flanders, one cold December night,
Across the field of battle, all was very calm and bright.
As the stars shone down upon, each opposing side,
Crouching in the trenches, between No Man's Land divide.

It was Christmas in the trenches, no yuletide carols were sung,
As men huddled in their fox holes, brushing off the frost that clung.
Then a young German voice, from across the great divide,
Sang the carol "Stille Nacht" known throughout the worldwide.

As soon as he was finished, there was a reverent pause,
Then cheers broke out on both sides with tremendous applause.
"God rest ye merry Gentlemen" sang a young British boy,
And both sides joined in chorus with "Tidings of Great Joy."

Suddenly there appeared upon the plain so bright
The figure of a German lad, holding a truce flag tight.
Singly from the trenches, men walked into No Man's Land
Without guns and ammunition, they met there hand to hand.

Exchanged chocolate, cigarettes, scotch and cognac
Showed photographs of home, slapped each other on the back.
Played a game of soccer, on the field so bright.
After that talked "peace on earth" under the starlit night.

On frozen Flanders' fields, as the dawn broke through,
Men met in the middle of No Man's Land, to bid a sad adieu.
As they walked back to the trenches, they waved a last farewell
And thought about the weeks ahead, when the going would be hell!

It's Christmas Day in Flanders, as the snow lies on the ground
A grey haired German mother kneels amid crosses all around.
She prays for her young son Hans, who held that truce flag tight,
On the frozen fields of Flanders, on that cold December night.

Are We Teaching Our Kids To Be Fearful of Men?

2007-11-25T12:51:00.000-05:00

Are We Teaching Our Kids To Be Fearful of Men?

By Jeff Zaslow

When children get lost in a mall, they're supposed to find a "low-risk adult" to help them. Guidelines issued by police departments and child-safety groups often encourage them to look for "a pregnant woman," "a mother pushing a stroller" or "a grandmother."

The implied message: Men, even dads pushing strollers, are "high-risk."

Are we teaching children that men are out to hurt them? The answer, on many fronts, is yes. Child advocate John Walsh advises parents to never hire a male babysitter. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers rather than male passengers. Soccer leagues are telling male coaches not to touch players.

Child-welfare groups say these are necessary precautions, given that most predators are male. But fathers' rights activists and educators now argue that an inflated predator panic is damaging men's relationships with kids. Some men are opting not to get involved with children at all, which partly explains why many youth groups can't find male leaders, and why just 9% of elementary-school teachers are male, down from 18% in 1981.

People assume that all men "have the potential for violence and sexual aggressiveness," says Peter Stearns, a George Mason University professor who studies fear and anxiety. Kids end up viewing every male stranger "as a potential evildoer," he says, and as a byproduct, "there's an overconfidence in female virtues." . . .

TV shows, including the Dateline NBC series "To Catch a Predator," hype stories about male abusers. Now social-service agencies are also using controversial tactics to spread the word about abuse. This summer, Virginia's Department of Health mounted an ad campaign for its sex-abuse hotline. Billboards featured photos of a man holding a child's hand. The caption: "It doesn't feel right when I see them together."

More than 200 men emailed complaints about the campaign to the health department. "The implication is that if you see a man holding a girl's hand, he's probably a predator," says Marc Rudov, who runs the fathers' rights site TheNoNonsenseMan.com. "In other words, if you see a father out with his daughter, call the police." . . .

Mr. Walsh, host of Fox's "America's Most Wanted," began advocating for missing children in 1981, after his son was killed by a stranger. He knows some men are offended by his advice to never hire a male babysitter. But as he sees it, if a teenage boy wants to experiment with sex, you don't want him using your kids.

Um, hasn't Mr. Walsh seen the many stories (even just here in the Detroit area) of adult women preying on teen-age boys for sex? Come on. Wake up. Women are becoming just as predatory as we're taught to believe men are.

"It's not a witch hunt," he says. "It's all about minimizing risks. What dog is more likely to bite and hurt you? A Doberman, not a poodle. Who's more likely to molest a child? A male."

John Walsh says men are now Dobermans?! (Except him, of course.) Sounds like he's been watching too much Oprah and "The View."

Airlines use similar reasoning when they seat unaccompanied minors only with women. They are trying to decrease the odds of a problem. Certainly, many men would be safe seatmates for kids, but sometimes, especially on overnight flights in darkened cabins, "you have to make generalizations for the safety of a child," says Diana Fairechild, an expert witness in aviation disputes. Airlines have had decades of experience monitoring the gender of abusive seatmates, she adds, quoting a line repeated in airline circles: "No regulation in aviation takes effect without somebody's blood on it."

I think I smell a perfectly justified class-action gender-discrimination lawsuit against airlines.

Most men understand the need to be cautious, so they're willing to take a step back from children, or to change seats on a plane. One abused child is one too many. Still, it's important to maintain perspective. "The number of men who will hurt a child is tiny compared to the population," says Benjamin Radford, who researches statistics on predators and is managing editor of the science magazine Skeptical Inquirer. "Virtually all of the time, if a child is lost or in trouble, he will be safe going to the nearest male stranger."

Right on, Jeff Zaslow. If only America's conventional wisdom was actually infused with this kind of common sense.

Posted by Debbie at August 23, 2007 10:19 AM

Comments

'Women are becoming just as predatory as we're taught to believe men are.'

What a ridiculous (I'm being polite here) comment. Despite the reports in the media of women seducing teenage boys, they hardly equal the amount of sex crimes (on adults and children) committed by men. This is just retarded conservative propaganda run amok.

"[Adam Walsh] knows some men are offended by his advice to never hire a male babysitter."

Howard Stern gives the same advice. It's just common sense.

You conservatives really kill me some times. Many of you like to say Christians aren't as bad as Muslims or that Whites don't commit as much crime as Blacks, but when it comes to sex or violent crimes, conservatives are the first to say Women are as bad as Men. Conservatives are real idiots at times.

Posted by: jaillibby2 at August 23, 2007 11:39 AM

jaillibby2

You are wrong about women not being involved in sex crimes. It is just the statistics have not been reported in the past.

The equality movement is finally biting them in the ass and the statistics prove it now that LE is recording female sex crimes.

The vast majority of sexual assaults by school teachers are committed by females.
http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=53824

Posted by: ScottyDog at August 23, 2007 12:47 PM

Small list of women offenders:

High school coach resigns after sexual assault arrest
http://www.khou.com/news/local/stories/khou070215_tnt_hsarrest.401b8e0.html
Kimberly Dawn Hollis has now resigned from Hightower High School in Fort Bend County after confessing to having sexual conduct with a 15-year-old-girl

Female Coach Allegedly Had Relationship with Player
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=local&id=3526747
A female high school coach is facing serious charges. She's accused of having a relationship with a player on her team who was just 14-years-old! This case is unfolding in Nazareth, Northampton County.

Ex-coach accused of endangerment
http://www.thedailystar.com/news/stories/2007/07/14/pblaurenscoach5.html
LAURENS _ The former girls softball coach at Laurens Central School has been accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a child younger than 17.

Counselor Sentenced For Having Sex With Autistic Student
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/10716523/detail.html
Becci M. Hill, of Martinsville, was accused of having a sexual relationship with the 15-year-old, whom she had mentored at one point, according to authorities. She was a special-needs counselor with the Wayne Township school district in Indianapolis.

Counselor-In-Training Convicted Of Sexual Abuse
http://cbs2chicago.com/topstories/local_story_215170720.html
Maywood Court Associate Judge Gilbert J. Grossi convicted Kathy Miraglia, in her 30s, of two counts of criminal sexual abuse and eight counts of criminal sexual assault during a bench trial Thursday, according to a Cook County Stateï¿½s Attorneyï¿½s office spokeswoman

Oregon woman sentenced for having sex with high school boy
http://www.oregonnews.com/article/20070111/NEWS/70111005/0/news
KLAMATH FALLS, Ore. (AP) ï¿½ A 34-year-old woman will spend a month in jail after admitting she had sex with a teenager she counseled at Klamath Union High School.

Teacher Allegedly Had Oral Sex With Girl At School
http://www.wftv.com/news/12525646/detail.html?rss=orlc&psp=news
The former soccer and softball coach is accused of the unthinkable, having sex with a female student on campus during school hours

Teacher turns herself in on sex charges
http://www.wcnc.com/news/topstories/stories/wcnc-080807-krg-teacher_sex.1561fe31.html
HUNTERSVILLE, N.C. -- A former Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools teacher surrendered to police Wednesday after she was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a female student.

Student Testifies About Sexual Relationship With Teacher
http://www.click2houston.com/news/10882250/detail.html
Shanikka Campbell, 26, pleaded guilty to three counts of sexual abuse of a child on Monday.

The former Aldine Independent School District English teacher admitted to having sex with a 16-year-old 11th-grade student she met at Carver High School last Spring

Jailed teacher in sex case fired, remains silent
23-year-old middle school instructor in S.C. accused of sex with five boys
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17388278/

Teacher, Alleged Sex Victim Did Witchcraft
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,140486,00.html
SOUTH HAVEN, Mich. ï¿½ A teacher and a 14-year-old former female student whom she is accused of sexually assaulting participated in witchcraft together and even "wed" in a pagan ritual, police said.

Elizabeth Miklosovic (search), 36, a teacher at South Haven's Baseline Middle School, was arraigned Thursday on a charge of first-degree criminal sexual conduct

Woman charged with sexual assault
http://www.nwanews.com/nwat/News/51156/
A 19-year-old Fayetteville woman was charged Thursday by the Fourth Judicial District Prosecutorï¿½s Office for having sexual contact with a 13-year-old girl.

Three Women Accused Of Sexual Abuse Of 16-Year-Old Boy
Teen Being Cared For At Group Home
http://www.nbc4.com/newsarchive/10891638/detail.html
Police said that through their investigation, they learned that Koreene Avery, 38, and Robin Lawrence, 24, both counselors at the M.S. Youth Services group home, also were having sex with the boy at the home.

Posted by: eloopd at August 23, 2007 01:29 PM

The cautionary approach suggested in the post parrallels the cautionary approach that is offered when discussing males of Arab/Muslim descent.

It is OK to be cautious of male Arab/Muslims as potential terrorists.

It is OK to be cautious of male adults as potential pedophiles.

The closest arguement for/against is that it depends on their actions. Recent news accounts offer a picture of two Arab/Muslim looking guys on a ferry 'acting suspicious.' Then what of the coach who pats a kid on the behind and leaves his hand there an inordinate amount of time. And, what is an inordinate amount of time? I don't know.

I really don't know. I am going to take each case one at a time and avoid jumping to conclusions before I have a greater knowledge of the situation. Then if the situation merits, I'll put my foot up the pedophile's and terrorist's behind.

OK, that's being a man, and you don't have to worry, because I am out there, (and there are alot of us) and I got your back if it is a pedophile or terrorist.

Posted by: zyzzyg at August 23, 2007 01:30 PM

@ Jaillibby

"Many of you like to say Christians aren't as bad as Muslims or that Whites don't commit as much crime as Blacks.."

First of all how many Christian acts of terror do you know about since 9/11? Guess how many Terror acts in the name of Islam have been committed in that same amount of time? How about more than 9,000.

http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/

Next you say:

"Whites don't commit as much crime as Blacks.."

The US Department of Justice would like to argue that point with you.

Blacks are 7 times more likely to murder someone than whites and 9 times more likely to committ any violent crime.

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/welcome.html

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/homicide/race.htm

Posted by: sickboy at August 23, 2007 01:55 PM

As a Black male in America, I graduated from Harvard with a degree in physics and computer science. As a senior, we were required to complete a research project. I completed mine on black americans and the relationship to incarceration, the one factor that stood above all, was the fact the black males that were in jail for greater than 1 year had a greater than 90% chance of have a negative or no role model. Almost all had a female dominated household that taught that being a male was negative.

Posted by: Dallas1972 at August 23, 2007 08:33 PM

Thanks for supprting us men, Debbie. Have you heard of the site www.mediaradar.org. Respecting accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting. It discussing the discrimination towards men and basically they are taught to view every family problem as the man 100% bad abuser and women 100% good victim and most family problems that is not the situation. A man is physically bigger that is true but this should make him automatically guilty. Can a younger brother or sister can do what they want to a bigger older brother or sister? Of course not. They also use their services to brainwash women that everything is a guys faut and if a women doesn't share their views they can harm her too. Feminist don't believe in different ideas especially from other women.

I also have to say in the Orthodox Jewish world at least in NY metro area the things that are said about Jewish men are just horrible and mostly untrue. I have been a victim (in many different area's) of the hatred that goes on in many Orthodox circles towards men. The Rabbi's are very naive at best because they work in a field that has no women so they many times have an exaggerated sense that women are vunerable and believe anything they say about men. My only family situation thank g-d has become somewhat better but you know my parents invite my younger sister every Jewish holiday and don't rotate since my parents are unable to deal with the two of us together. Doesn't anybody say anything? Not that I know. And outside where I grew up I have had people tell me they would throw me up of the community if I mention my family situation even if it is just to get advice and to try to improve which without anyone's help it has become somewhat better. I spend most Jewish holidays alone because I don't feel comfortable with the male hatred that some Rabbi's preach which of course they are the exception. This is in Orthodox Judaism. An Aish Rabbi once wrote me that divorce is all the man's fault because women have more intuition when I and many others complained about an article that specifically picked on men. Claims this is torah. I am only mentioning two area's but I have the same vicious behavior towards me in other areas too when I have dealt with Orthodox Jews in any area they for the slightest thing they think you are a monster. I know it isn't everyone but too many seem to fit this mode and it has scared me away from being involved in Orthodox Jewish life.
Adam

What I believe . . . . from NPR

2007-11-20T22:21:00.000-05:00

I believe that Fathers make a difference.

My earliest coherent memories are of my Father. I recall him telling me and my brother to always tell the truth, and to share books. Whatever he told us, he himself lived. My father was a good man, and what I know about being a good man, I learned from my father. Fathers make a difference because they set examples.

My father bought us tinker toys, tin airplanes, and cap pistols. He took us everywhere he went: to work (he was a sanitary engineer), to the midway, on train rides. He taught us how to fish. He grew up in West Texas, and he made sure that we learned how to ride. He sang Hank Williams songs to us. He took us to cowboy movies. Fathers make a difference because they appreciate the importance of fun.

There were times, when I was growing up, that I found the going tough and simply wanted to quit whatever I was doing. My father always managed to arrange to keep me going. One day, at the end of my senior year at Stanford, I called him to tell him that I was not going to graduate. He spoke to every one of my teachers and found out what it would take to get me through. He commissioned my brother to keep an eye on me while I did what would take. I graduated. Fathers make a difference because they have an abiding interest in their children's strivings.

When I went off to graduate school at the University of Texas, my father went down to Austin with me to help me find a place to live. Then he went back home to Dallas. If he ever worried about my making my way in this world after that, he never mentioned it to me. Fathers make a difference because they know how to say “Fare thee well” to their children, and really mean it.

The truth is, I am writing not so much about fathers as to fathers. I hope that you who are fathers will hew to what is essential in fathering. The brand of baby food you buy your son is small stuff; that you are there when he is learning to ride a bike is immensely important. That your daughter goes to school without her mittens is small stuff; that you are there to talk to her boyfriend is immensely important. That you sit down to dinner with your children is immensely important. That you are there to take them up a mountain that they don't think they can climb is immensely important. It is immensely important that you stick up for them when they need to establish their independence from their peers, from the authorities or even from their mother.

If nothing else, Woody Allen's words apply to fatherhood with a vengeance. He said, “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” This I believe.

BOOKS ON MEN'S ISSUES . . . . .

2007-11-06T06:43:00.000-05:00

Note: Try www.bookfinder.com as a convenient (and cheap) source of this books (new & used)

BUSED MEN & BOYS

The Abuse of Men : Trauma Begets Trauma- Barbara Jo Brothers

Wounded Boys, Heroic Men: A Man's Guide to Recovering from Child Abuse- Daniel Jay Sonkin

Abused Men : The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence-Philip W. Cook

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse-by Mic Hunter

Broken Boys / Mending Men: Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse- Stephen D. Grubman-Black

Alone and Forgotten : The Sexually Abused Man- Rod Tobin

In Cabin Six : An Anthology of Poetry by Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse- Jill A. Kuhn

1. A Child Called "It": One Child's Courage to Survive

2. The Lost Boy: A Foster Child's Search for the Love of a Family

3. A Man Called Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness- Dave Pelzer

Betrayed as Boys: Psychodynamic Treatment of Sexually Abused Men- Richard B. Gartner

Domestic Violence: The 12 Things You Aren't Supposed to Know- Thomas B. James

Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse- Mike Lew

Leaping upon the Mountains: Men Proclaiming Victory over Sexual Child Abuse- Mike Lew, Richard Hoffman

Violence and Gender Reexamined- Richard B. Felson

Legalizing Misandry: From Public Shame to Systemic Discrimination Against Men

Volume II in the trilogy, Beyond the Fall of Man - Paul Nathanson and Katherine K. Young

Spreading Misandry : The Teaching of Contempt for Men in Popular Culture

Volume I in the trilogy, Beyond the Fall of Man - Paul Nathansen and Katherine K. Young

The Minds of Boys : Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life - Michael Gurian

WHY GENDER MATTERS: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know about the Emerging Science of Sex Differences - Leonard Sax, Ph.D., M.D.

Domestic Violence: The 12 Things You Aren't Supposed to Know - Thomas B. James

Insult to Injury: Rethinking our Responses to Intimate Abuse - Linda G. Mills

THE IMPORTANCE OF MEN TEACHERS:

And Reasons Why There Are So Few- Bryan G. Nelson

Violence and Gender Reexamined- Richard B. Felson

Spreading Misandry : The Teaching of Contempt for Men in Popular Culture

Volume I in the trilogy, Beyond the Fall of Man- Paul Nathansen

Real Men or Real Teachers? - Paul Sargent

Boys and Girls Learn Differently - Michael Gurian

When She Was Bad : Violent Women & the Myth of Innocence- Patricia Pearson

A Circle of Men: The Original Manual for Men's Support Groups- Bill Kauth

Mythopoetic Perspectives of Men's Healing Work : An Anthology for Therapists and Others -
Edward Read Barton

ADDICTION

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction - Patrick J. Carnes

In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior - Patrick Carnes

The Clinton Syndrome : The President and the Self-Destructive Nature of Sexual Addiction - Jerome David Levin Ph.D.

Bill W.: A Biography of Alcoholics Anonymous Cofounder Bill Wilson -Francis Hartigan

Ebby: The Man Who Sponsored Bill W. - Mel B.

Gambling Addiction: The Problem, the Pain and the Path to Recovery - John M. Eades

The Gambling Addiction Patient Workbook - Robert R. Perkinson

BOYS

The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life - Michael Gurian

Angry Young Men: How Parents, Teachers, and Counselors Can Help Bad Boys Become Good Men - Aaron R. Kipnis

The War Against Boys - Christina Hoff Sommers

The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men - Michael Gurian

Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different-And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men - Steve Biddulph

Raising Cain : Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys - Daniel J. Kindlon, Michael Thompson, Dan Kindlon, Dan Kindion

Lost Boys : Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them - James Garbarino

Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood -William Pollack

A Fine Young Man : What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Adolescent Boys into Exceptional Men -Michael Gurian

As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised As A Girl - John Colapinto

The Wonder of Boys : What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men -Michael Gurian

CIRCUMCISION

Marked In Your Flesh: Circumcision From Ancient Judea To Modern America - Leonard B. Glick

A Surgical Temptation : The Demonization of the Foreskin and the Rise of Circumcision in Britain - Robert Darby

What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Circumcision: Untold Facts on America's Most Widely Performed-and Most Unnecessary Surgery - Paul M. Fleiss, Frederick M. Hodges

As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised As A Girl - John Colapinto

Circumcision: The World’s Most Controversial Surgery -David L. Gollaher

Circumcision Exposed : Rethinking a Medical and Cultural Tradition -Billy Ray Boyd

Questioning Circumcision: A Jewish Perspective - Ronald Goldman

Circumcision, The Hidden Trauma: How an American Cultural Practice Affects Infants and Ultimately Us All - Ronald Goldman

Sex As Nature Intended It: The Most Important Thing You Need to Know About Making Love, but No One Could Tell You Until Now - Kristen O'Hara, Jeffrey O'Hara

FATHERING

The Good Father: On Men, Masculinity, and Life In the Family - Mark O'Connell, Ph.D.

The Spirit of Fatherhood: Embracing Our Role as Fathers and Reclaiming Our Children - S. Bruce "Olamina" Stevenson

In Search Of Fatherhood-transcending Boundaries: International Conversations On Fatherhood - Diane A. Sears

Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is As Essential As Mother Care for Your Child - Kyle D. Pruett

The Wonder of Boys : What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men - Michael Gurian

The Wonder of Girls: Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters - Michael Gurian

Fatherloss : How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms With the Deaths of Their Dads - Neil Chethik

Father and Child Reunion - Warren Farrell

25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers - Mark Brandenburg

60 Tips for Fathers to Create Happy, Connected, and Responsible Kids - Mark Brandenburg

FATHERS/MEN'S RIGHTS

Father's Rights: Hard-Hitting & Fair Advice for Every Father Involved in a Custody Dispute - Jeffery M. Leving

Why Men Earn More: The Startling Truth Behind the Pay Gap -- and What Women Can Do About It - Warren Farrell, Ph.D.

Read Excerpts, Watch Why Men Earn More Video Presentation

DADMOM: The Definitive How-to Manual for Custodial Parents -David P. Crowley

Throwaway Dads: The Myths and Barriers That Keep Men from Being the Fathers They Want to Be - Ross D. Parke, Armin A. Brott

Ceasefire : Why Women and Men Must Join Forces to Achieve True Equality- Cathy Young

Divorced Dads : Shattering the Myths - Sanford L. Braver

THE RANTINGS OF A SINGLE MALE:

Losing Patience with Feminism, Political Correctness... and Basically Everything - Thomas Ellis

Equality: A Man's Claim: The Equality Issue from the Male Perspective, and an Ethical Society's Viewpoint - Alan Millard

MEN & MASCULINITY

Legalizing Misandry: From Public Shame to Systemic Discrimination Against Men, Volume II in the trilogy, Beyond the Fall of Man -Paul Nathanson and Katherine K. Young

Spreading Misandry: The Teaching of Contempt for Men in Popular Culture, Volume I in the trilogy, Beyond the Fall of Man -By Paul Nathansen and Katherine K. Young

Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back - Norah Vincent

THE RANTINGS OF A SINGLE MALE:

Losing Patience with Feminism, Political Correctness... and Basically Everything - Thomas Ellis

Nothings Wrong: A Man's Guide to Managing His Feelings -David Kundtz

Violence and Gender Reexamined - Richard B. Felson

Good Will Toward Men: Women Talk Candidly About the Balance of Power Between the Sexes -
Jack Kammer

My Soul Said to Me: An Unlikely Journey Behind the Walls of Justice - Robert E. Roberts

It's a Dick Thing: Secret Thoughts of Silent Men - Don Koberg

The Envy of the World: On Being a Black Man in America - Ellis Cose

Fatherloss : How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms With the Deaths of Their Dads - Neil Chethik

How Can I Get Through to You: Reconnecting Men and Women - Terrence Real

The Elder Within: The Source of Mature Masculinity - Terry Jones

A Man You Know is Grieving:12 Ideas for Helping Him Heal from Loss - Tom Golden

Swallowed By A Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing - Tom Golden

If Men Could Talk: Here's What They'd Say - Alon Gratch, Phd.

Growing Yourself Back Up - John Lee

What There Is to Love About a Man - Rachel Snyder

Standup Guy: Masculinity That Works - Michael Segell

I Don't Want to Talk About It : Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression - Terrence Real

Understanding Men's Passages : Discovering the New Map of Men's Lives - Gail Sheehy

The Myth of Male Power - Warren Farrell

Iron John : A Book About Men -Robert Bly

The Sibling Society -Robert Bly

Flying Boy : Healing the Wounded Man - John Lee

Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately -John Lee

The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire - David Deida

Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man -Sam Keen

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine -
Robert Moore

The Masculine Mystique: The Politics of Masculinity -Andrew Kimbrell

The Prince and the King: Healing the Father-Son Wound : A Guided Journey of Initiation -
Michael Gurian

MEN & RELATIONSHIPS

The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams : Planning Together for Less Stress and More Joy - Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski

The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences -by Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski

Be Loved for Who You Really Are : How the Differences Between Men and Women Can Be Turned into the Source of the Very Best Romance You'll Ever Know- Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski

Opening to Love 365 Days a Year - Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and Jim Sniechowski

The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever - Scott Haltzman

The Man's No-Nonsense Guide To Women: How To Succeed In Romance On Planet Earth - Marc H. Rudov

Being the STRONG MAN a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man - Elliot Katz

Straight Talk for Men about Marriage : What Men Need to Know about Marriage
(And What Women Need to Know About Men) - Marty Friedman

What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works - Michael Gurian

Courting a Woman's Soul: Going Deeper Into Loving and Being Loved - John Lee

EMBRACING YOUR FATHER:

How to Build the Relationship You Always Wanted with Your Dad -Dr. Linda Neilsen

Why Men Don't Listen: And Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It - Barbara Pease and Alan Pease

Keys to the Kingdom - Alison A. Armstrong

No More Mr. Nice Guy!: A Proven Plan For Getting What You Want In Love, Sex And Life - Robert A. Glover

Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives -Joe Kort

Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say : The Myths That Divide Couples and Poison Love - Warren Farrell

Flying Boy III : Stepping into the Mystery - John H. Lee

The Maiden King : The Reunion of Masculine and Feminine - Robert Bly, Marion Woodman

WHAT WOMEN AND MEN REALLY WANT:

Creating Deeper Understanding and Love in Our Relationships -Aaron Kipnis and Elizabeth Herron

Men Talk : How Men Really Feel About Women, Sex, Relationships, and Themselves - Alvin S. Baraff

MEN & SPIRITUALITY

Over the Edge: Journeying Together to Recapture the Heart and Soul of a Man - Jared Feria & Lance Hastings

The Way of the Superior Man : A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire - David Deida

No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women And Children - Paul T. Coughlin

MEN'S HEALTH

Younger Next Year: A Man's Guide to Living Like 50 Until You're 80 and Beyond - Chris Crowley, Henry S. Lodge

Dr. Peter Scardino's Prostate Book: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Prostate Cancer, Prostatitis and BPH - Peter Scardino, M.D.

Breast Cancer Husband : How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) during Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond - Marc Silver

"The Men's Club": How to Lose Your Prostate Without Losing Your Sense of Humor - Bert Gottlieb and Thomas J. Mawn, M.D.

The Testosterone Revolution: Rediscover Your Energy and Overcome The Symptoms of Male Menopause - Malcolm Carruthers

The Whole Man Program: Reinvigorating Your Body, Mind, and Spirit After 40 - Jed Diamond

Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Men and Women - Jed Diamond

Male Menopause - Jed Diamond

How Men Can Live As Long As Women : Seven Steps to a Longer and Better Life -
Ken Goldberg

NOVELS ABOUT MEN (Fiction and non-fiction)

For My Children - Dror Rofe

Big Russ and Me: Father and Son--Lessons of Life - Tim Russert

Flyboys A True Story of Courage - James Bradley

My Losing Season - Pat Conroy

Ten on Sunday: The Secret Life of Men - Alan Eisenstock

The Bedford boys: One American Town's Ultimate D-Day Sacrifice - Alex Kershaw

Accidental Playboy: Caught In the Ultimate Male Fantasy - Leif Ueland

Ten Things I Learned from Bill Porter - Shelly Brady, William H. Macy

Flags of Our Fathers - James Bradley

The Greatest Generation and The Greatest Generation Speaks - Tom Brokaw

Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man and Life's Greatest Lessons - Mitch Albom

Playing Catch With My Mother : Coming to Manhood When All the Rules Have Changed - Greg Lichtenberg

POETRY

Sleeping in Public -Poetry by John Lee

Favorite Quotes of Famous Men

2007-10-23T23:05:00.000-04:00

But I know somehow, that only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars

MARTIN LUTHER KING

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

MARTIN LUTHER KING

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

MARTIN LUTHER KING

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. MARTIN LUTHER KING

If a man hasn't discovered something that he would die for, he isn't fit to live.

MARTIN LUTHER KING

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

WINSTON CHURCHILL

The price of greatness is responsibility. WINSTON CHURCHILL

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. WINSTON CHURCHILL

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.

WINSTON CHURCHILL

One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half. WINSTON CHURCHILL

You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also fierce you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her. She was meant to be wooed and won by youth WINSTON CHURCHILL

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time WINSTON CHURCHILL
Courage is not limited to the battlefield

or the Indianapolis 500

or bravely catching a thief in your house.

The real tests of courage are much quieter.

They are the inner tests,

like remaining faithful when nobody's looking,

like enduring pain when the room is empty,

like standing alone when you're misunderstood."

CHARLES SWINDOLL

There is nothing in the world so much admired

as a man who knows how to bear unhappiness with courage.

SENECA

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. ROBERT FROST

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent; it is the one that is most adaptable to change. CHARLES DARWIN

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

Destiny is not a matter of chance,

it is a matter of choice;

it is not a thing to be waited for,

it is a thing to be achieved. WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.

HARRY TRUMAN

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

HARRY TRUMAN

Courage is the power of the mind to overcome fear.

MARTIN LUTHER KING

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

MARTIN LUTHER KING

Life's most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?

MARTIN LUTHER KING

There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, popular, or political; but because it is right.

MARTIN LUTHER KING

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

JOHN KENNEDY

The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.

JOHN KENNEDY

For in the final analysis, our most basic common link, is that we all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children's futures, and we are all mortal.

JOHN KENNEDY

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Love is a better teacher than duty.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

When you lose, don't lose the lesson DALAI LAMA

Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions DALAI LAMA

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

DALAI LAMA

Be gentle with the earth. DALAI LAMA

. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. DALAI LAMA

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other. ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

A man is what he thinks about all day long. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

All life is an experiment. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

As we grow old, the beauty steals inward. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

No man ever prayed heartily without learning something.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Nobody can bring you peace but yourself. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

People only see what they are prepared to see. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

The greatest gift is a portion of thyself. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

The only way to have a friend is to be one. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

We gain the strength of the temptation we resist. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

We must be our own before we can be another's. RALPH WALDO EMERSON

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

2007-10-23T07:09:00.000-04:00

Prayer for Men

Creator God, we pray for men; those whom you have created to share in the conception of life, and share in the responsibility of raising children.

We ask that you would help them be all that you have created them to be. Help them to see themselves as whole persons, so that they can help their partners and their children be themselves as well. Help them to be present to their families if they've been too long absent. Help them to speak out against injustice where they've been silent; help them to be understanding and supportive of the pro-choice decisions of their sisters, mothers, wives, and female friends.

But most of all God, give them the love and tenderness they need to be loving and faithful partners. May they welcome the opportunity to be supportive of the children they help bring into this world. Give them courage and strength to live according to your guidance and wisdom always.

Amen.

2007-10-19T19:48:00.000-04:00

How Do We Forgive Our Fathers?

Dick Lourie*

How do we forgive our Fathers?
Maybe in a dream
Do we forgive our Fathers for leaving us too often or forever
when we were little?

Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage
or making us nervous
because there never seemed to be any rage there at all.

Do we forgive our Fathers for marrying or not marrying our Mothers?
For Divorcing or not divorcing our Mothers?

And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?
Shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning
for shutting doors
for speaking through walls
or never speaking
or never being silent?

Do we forgive our Fathers in our age or in theirs
or their deaths
saying it to them or not saying it?

If we forgive our Fathers what is left?

* This poem was read during the closing credits of the incredible film "Smoke Signals". It was originally published in a longer version titled "Forgiving Our Fathers" in a book of poems titled Ghost Radio

Martin Luther King - Quotes for Group Discussion

2007-10-18T21:44:00.000-04:00

Martin Luther King

Success and Failure

Politics, Government and Power

All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality.

When you are right you cannot be too radical; when you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative.

Leadership

Courage and Fear

Cowardice asks the question - is it safe?

Expediency asks the question - is it politic?

Vanity asks the question - is it popular?

But conscience asks the question - is it right?

And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular; but one must take it because it is right

Courage is the power of the mind to overcome fear.

STRENGTH

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Truths, Ideas, Ideals to Live by

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

But I know somehow, that only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on an installment plan.

One who condones evils is just as guilty as the one who perpetrates it.

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

If a man hasn't discovered something that he would die for, he isn't fit to live.

Optimism and Pessimism

Mistakes, Oversights, Misfortune

Opinion

Comebacks, Humor

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important.

History

Now, I say to you today my friends, even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: - 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.'

Ten thousand fools proclaim themselves into obscurity, while one wise man forgets himself into immortality.

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live.

...And I've looked over, and I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land. So I'm happy tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.

If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values -- that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control.

I’ve seen too much hate to want to hate, myself, and every time I see it, I say to myself, hate is too great a burden to bear. Somehow we must be able to stand up against our most bitter opponents and say:”We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We will meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will and we will still love you.... But be assured that we’ll wear you down by our capacity to suffer, and one day we will win our freedom. We will not only win freedom for ourselves; we will appeal to your heart and conscience that we will win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory.

Wisdom born of experience should tell us that war is obsolete. There may have been a time when war served as a negative good by preventing the spread and growth of an evil force... If we assume that life is worth living, if we assume that mankind has the right to survive, then we must find an alternative to war.

If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.

Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true.

DESTINY

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists who are dedicated to justice, peace and brotherhood.

Perspective on Life

I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.

The good neighbor looks beyond the external accidents and discerns those inner qualities that make all men human and, therefore, brothers.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Segregation is the adultery of an illicit intercourse between injustice and immorality.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

We have flown the air like birds and swum the seas like fishes, but have yet to learn the simple act of walking the earth like brothers.

Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.

God is not merely interested in the freedom of brown men, yellow men, red men and black men.He is interested in the freedom of the whole human race.

We must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but it is a means by which we arrive at that goal. We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means.

Dreams

Rich, Poor, Generosity

Life's most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?

The time is always right to do what is right.

Education, Personal Development, Personal Responsibility

There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, popular, or political; but because it is right.

Male Manifesto - Tom Owen-Towle

2007-10-15T23:01:00.000-04:00

Introduction

I am profoundly honored to be the first Unitarian Universalist Men's Network lecturer. I bow in gratitude. There is no more important soulful and prophetic work that I have pursued as a practitioner of Unitarian Universalism than comforting and challenging men precisely where I'm planted—in San Diego, throughout the Pacific Southwest District, and across our continental landscape.

One of my perennial mantras has been the Zen Buddhist invitation to "hasten slowly."

Therefore, as we launch the newly formed continental organization, UUMeN, I urge us to "hasten slowly." Hasten, because our task is prodigious and time is fleeting; slowly, because ours is not an ad hoc, quick-fix project, but a life-long quest that will occupy Unitarian Universalist men and women all our days.

The central phrase of our UUMeN's mission, "nurturing a positive liberal religious masculinity," summons the membership to be a revolutionary force for greater justice and joy within our chosen religious tribe of Unitarian Universalism and beyond. For the white, heterosexual males among us who occupy seats of abundant franchise, our UUMeN's behest is even more specific —-urging us to redistribute power and to resist further injustice, while rejoicing in our own maturing masculinity.

Incidentally, our UUMeN's enterprise to dismantle patriarchy and build a more equitable gender community is being inaugurated at the same time there is a burgeoning men's movement within America's radical religious right called "Promise Keepers," replete with a $28‑million budget and a staff doubling from 75 to a planned 180. Last year, 280,000 evangelical men packed seven football stadiums, glorifying God, slapping "high‑fives," and pompously greeting one another with "Thank God you're a man." Their uncompromising objective is to "take the nation for Jesus Christ."

"Promise Keepers" refer to gays "as stark raving mad...an abomination against Almighty God." They proclaim the primacy of the male in the household and unabashedly command one another to "take back the reins of spiritually pure leadership God intended men to hold." One of their pastoral leaders Tony Evans, upon instructing husbands how to recover their manhood, declares: "The first thing you do is sit down with your wife and say: 'Honey, I made a terrible mistake. I gave you my role. I gave up leading this family, and I forced you to take my place. Now I must reclaim that role.'" He goes on: "Don't misunderstand me, men. I'm not suggesting that you ask for your role back, I'm urging you to take it back... Be sensitive. Listen. Treat the lady gently and lovingly. But LEAD!"

"Promise Keepers" target "sissified men" as the main cultural problem in America. They invite racial reconciliation without even mentioning systemic racism. And when they talk about "privilege," they aren't referring to unearned male entitlements in modern society, they are talking instead about the privilege of knowing Jesus.

Well, their promises and ours are substantially different, and while these fundamentalist men are sincerely trying to regain male supremacy, our Men's Network aspires to forge a more just and merciful intergender reality. A brutal clash of religious worldviews prevails in our land and, ready or not, the men and women of our Unitarian Universalist faith must rise up and be counted for an inclusive, compassionate, life‑affirming sacred path.

Prophetic and healing reverberations will echo throughout the entire interdependent web of existence when men pursue increasing maturity of soul and behavior. May we remain faithful to our fundamental charge as an affiliate UUA organization! However, if UUMeN should ever deteriorate into but another, self-serving chapter of the "good old boy's club," then may our members be sensible enough to bury the project!

Lest we contemporary Unitarian Universalist male standard-bearers get carried away with expanding egos and lofty dreams, let it be known that we aren't the first cluster of men to organize within either our Unitarian or our Universalist folds. Hence, an abbreviated history of continental UUA men's organizations is in order.

Our first such alliance of men was created in 1907 and named the National League of Universalist Laymen, later becoming the Order of Universalist Comrades. This fellowship was organized primarily due to the comparative lack of involvement of men in ongoing church affairs. The Order focused on engaging every man in special projects in his local church, thereby strengthening the overall Universalist faith. This enterprise also promoted recreational and educational plans for boys in every community where there was a Universalist church.

Additionally, our Universalist forebrothers promoted an annual Layman's Sunday and recruited men for the ministry. Sound business professionals, they raised considerable money, and attendance of males at Universalist worship services took an upswing. In the early 1960s the shrinking 300 member Universalist Men's Association merged with the larger Unitarian Laymen's League, forging a significant philanthropic and prophetic endeavor.

The Unitarian Laymen's League emerged shortly after the end of World War I, during the period when American society spawned legion men's clubs and organizations. Prominent League members included United States President William Howard Taft and several U.S. congressmen and senators, plus an assortment of writers, academics and scientists. In its heyday the League boasted a membership of over 10,000, comprising more than 150 chapters and a membership-at-large.

In reflecting on its history, Robert Hohler, one-time executive director of the Laymen's League, recounts that "perhaps its most significant contribution was to the growth of the overall Unitarian denomination through its sponsorship of an innovative advertising campaign in magazines and newspapers. The ads that asked 'Are You a Unitarian Without Knowing It?' evoked a flood of inquiries from people wanting to know more. This campaign still stands as the most successful outreach program liberal religion has ever sponsored."

Hohler also recalls that "the League played a leading role in the Memorial Society movement, stood in the vanguard of civil rights, promoted anti-Vietnam policies, and was staunchly behind the empowerment of minorities and women...Ironically, the one issue that divided the League most bitterly had nothing to do with public policy, but centered rather around the admission of women to its membership...a move that did not endear the League either to the Women's Federation or to many of its older male members. When the League 'integrated' in 1968, several of the major chapters protested and refused to follow suit. This opposition led to the return of previous policies which signaled the ultimate end of the organization."

Nothing structurally emerged among continental Unitarian Universalist men until the 1983 General Assembly when a General Resolution entitled Support Groups for Liberal Religious Men "affirmed the commitment to the equal treatment of both sexes; and encouraged the formation of support groups for liberal religious men within their respective Districts and communities." That imperative and blessing assisted, however modestly, in nourishing some of the embryonic men's groups throughout our faith during the past twelve years.

In 1990, Bill Gardiner (Director of the Department for Social Justice at the UUA) and I plotted the formation of a revisioned male-specific fellowship within our Associational ranks. Our aim was to create and sustain an organization that would prove responsive to both the cultural shifts of our era and the enduring imperatives of our life-affirming faith, while building upon the solid foundations of our Universalist and Unitarian forebrothers.

For eons, the entire globe, including our Unitarian Universalist bailiwick, has lived under the governorship of "generic man," wherein maleness has been the presumed reference and norm for everything human. In so living we not only have denigrated the feminine perspective but have also lost men's authentic experience insofar as it is specifically male. One reason for the genesis of UUMeN has been to understand better and support more intently the experiences of masculinity as distinctive male phenomena rather than as pseudo-universals. Hence, our Network will emphasize the history and biology, the gifts and poverties, the yearnings and imperatives of Unitarian Universalist men.

It seems evident to UUMeN why we need male-based (not male-biased) chapters across the continent, but some women and men still question the value of our mission. So here are but two bedrock reasons for establishing local Unitarian Universalist brothering communities.

First, there are gender-specific angers, hopes, and fears that are more naturally shared male-to-male. This has long been acknowledged among women; the same wisdom obtains for men. Mixed company tends to derail men and women from experiencing the necessary camaraderie for developing our distinctive souls. The whole world needs the fullness of each of us. Consequently, women and men must labor independently but alongside one another to create a globe of greater gender justice and joy. As Alice Walker comments: "As a womanist, I am committed to survival and wholeness of entire people, male and female. I am not a separatist, except periodically for health."

Second, there is lots of healing to be achieved among men because we have been pounding on, climbing over, and even destroying one another ever since Cain snuffed out his brother Abel. We hanker to learn more respectful ways to be brothers—not our brother's boss, keeper or lackey, but our brother's brother.

A primary way for men to heal our brother-caused wounds is to spend intimate time sharing our real stories, as peers, in supportive, non-competitive places. UUMeN is dedicated to nourishing such stations of brothering throughout our religious movement.

The governing mission of our Unitarian Universalist Men's Network is to establish an intentional community of brothers and sister‑allies committed "to building a positive liberal religious masculinity that is pro‑feminist, gay-affirmative, culturally and racially inclusive and diverse...We understand such positive masculinity, working in alliance with various movements for social justice, as essential for personal and social progress, healthy spirituality, and the good life" (by-laws adopted on August 18, 1993). This lecture will offer beginning notes on what a "revolutionary manifesto" of the UUMeN might entail for the invigoration of our common and cherished religious movement.

Why Revolutionary?

When selecting the title for this address, I agonized over the use of the term "revolutionary," wishing neither to tame our organizational vision into polite irrelevance nor to espouse a concept that might unnecessarily alienate mainline Unitarian Universalists. But it has become increasingly clear to me that contemporary times require more than new information, more even than the gradual reformation of attitudes; they demand the full‑fledged transformation of being, wherein our male lives might be turned both outside-in (reflectively) and inside-out (prophetically).

UUMeN exists to remind men that we could benefit from an overhaul and that, with grace and grit, the perils and tyrannies pervading our lives can be diminished. (MEN FIXIT STUFF !) And we men, both individually and organizationally, must take the lead in our own growth! Consequently, the founders and supporters of UUMeN are not solely interested in the evolution of male consciousness but more critically in the revolution of male conduct. Altering the psyche of Unitarian Universalist men(?!!!)and changing ingrained gender patterns throughout Associational life will necessitate nothing short of a revolutionary manifesto.

The word revolution comes from a Latin word meaning to "roll back, to unroll." (NOT CORRECT ! THAT IS FOR EVOLUTION… revolution, from Late Latin revolution-, revolutio, from Latin revolvere to revolve) Therefore, the unclouded purpose of UUMeN is to roll back the assumptions, biases, and behaviors that suppress men's emotions, oppress women socially and economically, and wreak ecological havoc. Rolling back the negatives so that positives might be unrolled is the joyous duty of practicing revolutionaries committed to growing a mature liberal religious masculinity.

I appreciate the way Kate Millett phrased it in her trenchant book entitled Sexual Politics (1970): "Guys still have it in their heads that a revolutionary is a murderer. Uh-uh. A revolutionary is a changer, a teacher, somebody who hangs in and keeps at it, and keeps loving people until they change their heads." And I would add: until they change their hearts and souls as well! Norman Mailer, in Christians and Cannibals, made a similar observation: "Masculinity is not something given to you, something you're born with, but something you gain. And you gain it by winning small battles with honor."

Although the term "warrior" is sullied, perhaps irredeemably (what with its legacy of paid soldiers whose single purpose is to find and destroy opposition), there resides in the sacred literature of contemporary women and men a useful interpretation of the warrior archetype as denoting those individuals who are fiercely compassionate, protectors of righteousness, boundary setters, and guardians of goodness.

Countless men know only too well the harm of cowardice when determination and force are called for in the endless struggle to combat evil and approximate justice. It is difficult for temperamentally sweet guys like myself to ruffle feathers, raise unseemly voices, or, God forbid, engage in disorderly conduct in the hallways of any smooth-functioning "patriarchal" institution. It would be so much more comfortable to remain a thoughtful, stand pat liberal and ignore the unsettling requirements of the summons to liberation. But, alas, UUMeN won't let us transact business as usual.

The operative word for me, as a reluctant yet aspiring revolutionary, is FORCE, a term spineless do-gooders are loath to claim. Yet being a resolute force is precisely what is needed within and beyond our religious association. Our male lives must be sufficiently evolved to practice forceful alternatives to hostility and withdrawal, to incarnate what Gandhi called "satyagraha," which translates as "soul or truth force."

Every contemporary problem facing us as men—whether among family or friends, between races, governments or religions—will be addressed ultimately either through violent or nonviolent force. The sagacious and stouthearted Unitarian Universalist men among us will learn how to employ the force of justice, the force of healing, the force of noncooperation, the force of unyielding resistance to wrong, the force of imaginative, radical ideas.

Life is a partisan fray, and the tests and tribulations facing the men of our Unitarian Universalist Association are colossal. To confront our own stubborn aches and buried wounds will require revolutionary honesty. To modify the course of our chosen faith-tribe will require revolutionary defiance. To cultivate inner soil while navigating political waters will require revolutionary balance. To stop the emotional and physical harm we daily perpetrate on women, children, other men, and ourselves will require revolutionary courage. To bridge the power gap between whites and men of color, and to melt the fear paralysis between straight and gay men will require revolutionary chutzpah.

Forming a continental organization specifically to challenge the privileged status of one's own gender takes what African-American writer Toni Cade Bambara terms "sheer holy boldness."

To evolve from being males, our biological fate, to brothers, our relational destiny, requires revolutionary strides.

EVOLVE FROM BEING MALES ?.... FATE? THIS IS THE ‘SICKNESS-WRONG’ PARADIGM PARADED AROUND AGAIN

Being a brother to other men and women, to plants and animals, to the deities and demons roaming the universe signals nothing less than a radical passage from dominator to collaborator. To trade in the attitude of power-over for power-alongside all living entities demands extraordinary masculine fortitude and, yes, will extract a substantial cost.

Christian philosopher Beatrice Bruteau reminds us that the greatest revolution in the history of humanity occurred on Maundy Thursday when Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. Until that moment the whole point of human reality had been for someone, invariably a man, to get ahead or on top! My sisters and brothers, in envisioning a revolutionary manifesto we counsel the men of our liberal religious faith to do the riskiest thing imaginable: to fashion a truly mature masculinity—both soulful and prophetic!

UUMeN, while not a thriving revolution yet, is, indeed, searching for more than a few good men. We are shamelessly agitating for every registered Unitarian Universalist man and every supportive sister-ally to join our revolutionary voyage. Our by-law objectives are clear and simple: we "challenge men to confront gender injustice, homophobia, racism, loneliness and distrust between men, and violence by men against women, children, other men, themselves, and the earth." And to do so at our places of residence, work, play, and worship. Now, if that's the kind of organizational manifesto that reflects your Unitarian Universalist credo, then we urge you to accompany our caravan.

As Alice Walker reminds us: "When Martin said, 'Agitate non-violently against unjust oppression,' I assume he meant in our own home, if that's where the oppression was." So, wherever injustice rears its ugly head in our own household of faith is exactly where we ought to be focusing our revolutionary fervor. We Unitarian Universalists are notorious for feverishly passing resolutions toward changing institutions in the outside world while failing to modify the policies and deeds of our own religious clan.

Don't expect the revolution we are pursuing at UUMeN to be either effortless or pleasant. We are still, for the most part, a male-entrenched and controlled operation, and manifold men and some women will not easily alter the comfortable arrangement in our religious tribe from which so many of us gain considerable and unquestioned benefit. Heterosexism, racism, and sexism remain intractable and insidious monsters in our own progressive religion.

Truly radical religious experiments that exemplify what Unitarian forebrother Roger Baldwin called "holy discontent" are seldom popular or centrist. So, our Men's Network must persist and plod, remaining true to its purpose, marked by what Gloria Steinem calls "outrageous acts and everyday rebellions," and ever striving to embody the sentiments of Adrienne Rich:

My heart is moved by all I cannot save:

so much has been destroyed

I have to cast my lot with those who age after age, perversely,

with no extraordinary power,

reconstitute the world.

Principles of Our Revolutionary Manifesto

At the height of U.S. involvement in Southeast Asia, William Sloane Coffin was one of a group of ministers who urged Henry Kissinger to withdraw U.S. troops. Kissinger, pushing the clergy on the complexities of such a proposal, asked, "Okay, how would YOU get the boys out of Vietnam?" To which Coffin, turning to the prophet Amos, responded, "Mr. Kissinger, our job is to proclaim that 'justice must roll down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.' Your job is to work out the details of the irrigation system!"

Well, today I offer a bold framework highlighting four fundamental elements of what I perceive to be a mature liberal religious masculinity: male-positive, interconnected, inclusive, and balanced. All who join the ranks of UUMeN will be vigorously working out the details of our system in the days ahead.

I. Male-Positive

The last thing we need in any fledgling men's movement today is horizontal contentiousness, men chewing on men.

Unfortunately, that's the case in numerous corners of the secular world. On the far right are reactionaries who disregard male privilege or gender violence, espousing that men are basically as oppressed as women (simply in different ways), and in the opposing camp reside militant leftists who claim that masculinity is inherently flawed, an incurable disease, a hopeless cause.

Whereas men harboring such extremism may join our organization, the fundamental nature of UUMeN does not nurture such zealous views. On the one hand, we contend that male economic and political power is indeed dominant, and, on the other hand, we hold that masculinity is not an irredeemable condition. Simply put, we can be proud of being men without doing so at the expense of others.

When we claim to be a male-positive organization, we are declaring that no matter what social travesties men perpetrate, ours can become a healthy and honorable estate. The history of men is amply filled with both delivering and receiving wounds, but we are never exhaustively described by those wounds. Therefore, in the name of our Network, we do not tolerate the bashing of women, gays, lesbians, bisexuals or persons of color, and we refuse as well to scorn or humiliate men qua men.

We are positive about the male gender. We believe that men can relate, repent, resist, reconcile, and rejoice on the pathway to fullness of humanity. As radical black feminist Bell Hooks urges: "So many people have expressed this real hard-core sense that men are never going to change. And I have thought, can you imagine the despair of black people under slavery had we felt that there was nothing about that system that was going to change, that there was nothing about white people as a group, or as individuals, that would change? One of my favorite statements that I say a lot...is the whole notion that 'what we can't imagine, can't come to be.' So, we've got to believe that men can change, and I believe profoundly that we have individual incidents of men changing!"

II. Interconnected

We men are socialized to lead fiercely independent lives, but as a member of our Unitarian Universalist Men's Fellowship in San Diego once remarked: "I'm a self-made man, but if I had to do it over again, I would call in others." All is not lost for this particular individual, for he is now fortified by the transformative embrace of caring brothers in one of our dozen men's support circles.

Our Unitarian Universalist heritage has always revered its rugged individualists like Thoreau and Emerson. However, we seldom remember those distinguished Universalist men who formed spiritual‑prophetic brotherhoods such as the Hopedale Community and the Humiliati. What have we learned from them? We proclaim the interdependent web as an ecological and cosmic principle, and so we should, but we fail to embody it in the smaller kinship groups where we dwell. We remain gravely underdeveloped in the craft of relational power.

Therefore, among the eleven members of the UUMeN's steering council, a group that attempts to represent the varied voices of our movement, we are laboring valiantly to share power, refusing to create yet another monolithic structure of "kings on the mountain." UUMeN abides primarily as a clearing house to start and sustain local Unitarian Universalist men and groups in their personal aspirations and public responsibilities toward shaping a more just, gladsome universe.

A continental men's organization, such as UUMeN, forces us to admit that we are not self-sufficient either as individual males or as autonomous brotherhoods. Mature masculinity necessitates men migrating from solitariness to solidarity, from lone rangers to a brothering community across the gulfs of age, profession, theology, race, lifestyle, ability, and class that continue to segregate men from men.

In every Unitarian Universalist society throughout the land, there exists some form of worship life, religious education, and social action. There are also innumerable programs for singles, couples, and families, and usually a female-focused federation prospers on campus. What we need, as well, in every one of our local congregations is a structured, ongoing men's presence that welcomes adult male members into its fellowship and nourishes them through its program life.

Furthermore, shouldn't every boy who is a part of our children's religious education effort know that he is on a lifespan quest accentuating "positive liberal religious masculinity"—surrounded and guided by exemplary men (other than his own father or brothers) who can serve as challengers and comforters for his religious journey? And what about the importance of girls and women experiencing mature men in our Unitarian Universalist communities?

III. Inclusive

Additionally, our brothering tribes must be spacious and inviting, not merely in print but in deed. As Unitarian Universalist Bernice Johnson Reagon of the singing group Sweet Honey in the Rock says: "If you're in a coalition and you're comfortable, you know it's not a broad enough coalition!" Our Unitarian Universalist men's groups need to be available for the countless white, heterosexual men in their 30's and 40's searching for meaningful community, but we must also reach out to other diverse constituencies of men. African-American poet June Jordan cuts to the quick of authentic community when she asserts: "My hope is that our lives will declare this meeting open!"

But every man is our brother - including those men who frustrate, anger, and desert us, including those men who abuse, abandon, and kill women, children and us, and, yes, including those fellows who think UUMeN is irrelevant or worthless.

UUMeN heartily agrees with our forebrother Walt Whitman that "all men are my brothers," not just the progressive, stimulating, agreeable ones of our choosing.

All these men are our brothers too!

As an intentionally inclusive Unitarian Universalist brothering community, we would recognize men of all sexual orientations and celibates as well; men of every capacity, condition, color, class, and conviction—the outcast and the dictator, the hermit and the knight, the foe and the lover, the welder and the lawyer, leaders and followers and those who saunter to their own drumbeat, the magician and the impostor, the right-winger and the socialist, the notable, the heinous, and the incorrigible mixture in us all.

Now, don't misunderstand me, we are not responsible for all these guys, and, most certainly, we will engage in fierce, moral wrestling matches with many of them, but we remain related to them. We share the same gender embodiment, our histories are interlocking; hence, we are beckoned to engage the otherness of fresh and foreign brothers along our life-journey! As Parker Palmer notes: "Community is that place where the person you least want to live with always lives!" Genuine community, that is!

In an intentionally diverse, welcoming male community we also acknowledge our irretrievable linkage to those brothers who have come before us and who will come after us. Generational bridging is conveyed in this adapted poem from traditional West Africa:

Do not seek too much fame,

but do not seek obscurity.

Be proud.

But do not remind the world of your deeds.

Excel when you must,

but do not excel the world.

Many sages and crones are not yet born,

many have already died.

To be alive to hear this song is a victory.

We pay holy tribute to those male ancestors, from the North and South, East and West, in whose debt we stand and who are cheering us onward. Kokopelli, the native American humped-backed flute player; Orpheus, the father of music and poetry; Jesus of Nazareth, an incarnator of love; Francis of Assisi, a brother to the animals; John Sigismund, the first and only Unitarian monarch in history, whose ground-breaking edict established religious toleration and freedom; Unitarian Universalist Whitney Young, Jr., an unyielding warrior for racial justice; Mark DeWolfe, an openly gay Unitarian Universalist minister who, in the throes of dying with AIDS, wrote: "remember your love as a source of strength; remember who you are: lovers tossed by these difficult times." All these prominent and unsung men are truly our brothers, our holy kin.

IV. Balanced

The purpose, objectives, and program venue of the UUMeN are committed to wholism rather than faddish causes or regional preferences. While addressing the deeper hungers of the male mind, body, conscience, heart, and soul, we adhere to Carl Jung's wisdom that "the definition of maturity is holding greater and greater opposites without coming apart."

In our literature you will recognize a fast commitment to balance: being male-positive, gay-affirmative, pro-feminist/womanist, racially inclusive, intergenerationally sensitive, ecologically responsible, and dedicated to bridging with all extant organizations within our movement from the Unitarian Universalist Women's Federation (UUWF) to Young Religious Unitarian Universalists (YRUU), from Interweave to the Economic Justice Task Force, from the Black Concerns Working Group to the Seventh Principle Project.

To maintain spiritual and structural equilibrium, the Network encourages its members to encounter the deeper demons and desires of existence, to be mystical activists as well as discerning fools, to embrace life and consent to die, to honor family and welcome the stranger, to delve deeply into poetics as well as ethics, to cherish the treasures of endarkenment and enlightenment, to confess our vulnerability while claiming our might.

But perhaps the quintessential hurdle for men along our revolutionary journey is learning how to juggle the twin vocations of justice-making and joy-sharing in a society that tends to major in either duty or delight to the detriment of the other.

We want to be known as an organization that occasions for men a rhythmic blend of personal growth, social justice, and spiritual awakening.

Justice-building. In the annals of human history it's quite unusual for men, basking in entitlements, to commence an organization essentially to jettison rather than fortify their empire. Yet, according to our Men's Network, now is the time, for the white, heterosexual men of our culture and association, still the single most empowered group of human beings that ever inhabited the planet, to rise from our seats of privilege and to commit the revolutionary deed: extending the realm of justice to enfold every living reality.

An Hasidic tale underscores the primacy of our male accountability. When Rabbi Ammi's hour to die came, he wept bitterly, not because he wasn't a thoughtful gentleman or a learned scholar of the sacred Torah, both of which he exemplified, but because Ammi failed to become a public servant. He wept because, as he put it: "I was given the ability to extend justice, but never carried it out." If UUMeN progressively embraces rather than eschews our founding mission, we will become imperfect yet persistent justice-builders.

Our classic path as men has been to ascend to power or, as is currently the custom practiced among mytho-poetic men, to descend into ashes. Ascending and descending are both necessary, even noble, paths for men to take, but there is another more difficult bearing for mature men to assume today: that is, to saunter sideways, neither ahead of nor behind, but alongside other human beings—co-existing as respectful allies in the arduous quest of making peace and building justice for all. Our revolutionary manifesto calls us to be men of conscience, laboring both on our selves and our society! Radical gay activist John Stoltenberg puts it baldly: "The core of one's being must love justice more than manhood! Justice-building is acting not in one's self-interest but acting in the interest of one's OWN BEST SELF!"

There are three interlocking and mutually reinforcing zones of justice-building that we are centering on in the Network as evidenced in our purpose: anti-racist resistance, gay-straight bridging, and pro-feminist work. These are, by no means, our only prophetic charges as mature liberal religious men, but toiling in these vineyards will surely embolden us to confront other inequities.

Perhaps the major import of UUMeN will prove to be that men as men will no longer elect to simply meld, even hide out, amid the vast crowd of conscience-workers, but rather, through deliberately forming our own organization, we will face our male culpability and complicity in societal evils and to make the necessary sacrifices in our individual and institutional lives.

Confronting Racism

There is probably no more cantankerous sin for Unitarian Universalists to confess and combat, not as a three-year task force but as a lifetime effort, than our liberal denial of the intransigent racism that permeates Unitarian Universalist culture and results in paralyzing guilt or resignation rather than heartfelt repentance followed by change.

Racism is primarily a white responsibility, and we men must battle it in our souls as well as carry our burden in its institutional elimination. Lamentably, we Unitarian Universalists are often more enamored with maintaining a positive self-image or looking good to the outside world than dedicated to opposing the demon of racism itself. Yet being an agent of revolutionary justice transcends being cloyingly polite or politically correct. It means pursuing the path of prophetic compassion in a society that escalatingly undermines racial and gender affirmative action.

White folks are doing the best they can to keep tight-control of my home state of California, precisely when minorities are rising to power in numbers and the demand for equity. Where will we Unitarian Universalist brothers stand as matters heat up, as lines are drawn, and as the culture clash intensifies across the continent? What will we say and do when the forces of intolerance, bigotry, and exclusion grow more intractable in the outside world, and, subtler within our own religious walls? Will we stand tall for justice as members of the UUA, the UUWF and the UUMeN, or will we step down, back off, and sneak away to a more fashionable social cause?

Diminishing Homophobia

As a religious movement we have been pacesetters in the drive for the full dignity of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgendered folks, although evidenced by the letters printed in the Fall 1994 issue of the World, the dehumanizing monsters of heterosexism and homophobia are alive and well in our ranks.

Issues of erotic preference cause men to squirm, become defensive and rigid, often lash out belligerently. Conversely, when gay, straight, bisexual, and transgendered persons risk moving from closets to closeness, speaking our deepest truths, venturing beneath surfaces, beyond expectations, and beside prejudices, the results can be utterly transformative. But don't be lulled. We live in a culture that is both homophobic and philiaphobic. This double whammy renders male intimacy a rare accomplishment. So the task of growing affectional honesty, if not friendship, across sexual orientation lines, constitutes a revolutionary adventure.

Repelling Sexism

To be a pro-feminist man means simply to oppose male supremacy and female subordination in our culture and to labor steadfastly for gender fairness socially, politically, economically and religiously. It is critical that men play a relentless, supportive role in women's struggle for equality. The health and welfare of our mutual destinies are interwoven.

As a man I will never discover my full humanity merely by reclaiming my emotions, making peace with my father, or becoming more expressive with my brothers. Ultimately, the way to fully restore our lost masculinity and to heal the fractured earth is through working for a scope of revolutionary justice that will serve the disenfranchised of our globe: women and children; persons of color; sexual minorities; the physically and emotionally disabled; the homeless, the incarcerated, the marginalized.

I often hear my male comrades saying, "I don't have the energy or time to be political. I'm hurting too much myself." I offer two plain responses.

First, I care about the personal plight of my brothers and regularly invite them to join a men's support group. I understand, even applaud, the process of men revealing long-suppressed internal woes and agonies. Wounded animals are the most dangerous, and mature men must positively face our hurts on the road toward healing. But being wounded is only part of our story. Men are also wounders, and we must answer for that. We need to heed the unbearable pain and terror that women and children feel, living in a world in which one in four will be raped and one in six is the victim of child sexual abuse.

Second, since we're incorrigibly social animals, we men can ill-afford to smugly gaze at our navels without being public contributors as well. Mature masculinity requires that we heal both the body personal and the body politic!

Feminism reminds us that women's rights and concerns have not been satisfactorily addressed yet and that sexism has not been conquered even in our liberal Unitarian Universalist community. UUMeN encourages us to be pro-feminist supporters up close with the partners, mothers, daughters, and women who share our personal and professional lives, recognizing that gender justice that is practiced publicly but not privately is fraudulent.

Privilege, while granting men power, causes costly, irreparable damage to our bodies and souls. Consequently, it is the steadfast conviction of UUMeN that feminism lies in men's deeper interests. Working as allies with women to make the ideals of equality substantive is integral to the fullest expression of what it means to be men.

In summation, a "positive liberal religious masculinity" cries out for justice-building. Our Men's Network exhorts all males to do one more thing today for racial and gender, ecological and sexual orientation justice, and one more thing tomorrow than we accomplished today, all the way to the grave. As Thomas Sankara said during his Presidency of the West African country of Burkina Faso, "You can't make fundamental changes in society without the occasional mad act." Brothers, let us dare to engage in mad, revolutionary acts of justice.

Challenge some bit of gay-baiting or lesbian-bashing humor. Care for a child so an overworked mother can have a day that is her own. Be willing not only to assist women caught in harm's way but also to support women in times of their power and glory. Refuse to hold a men's retreat until you have included the presence of blue-collar men and men of color. Dare to be a true husbandman, prudently conserving the earth's resources, cultivating the soil, and exhibiting kinship toward plants and animals.

I confess to believing that racism, homophobia, sexism, and ecological travail will not be eradicated during my lifetime. I cannot hold to optimism, but neither am I a pessimist who cynically throws in the towel. As a Universalist Unitarian, I am rather an inveterate hoper, one who knows that on occasion our faulty revolutionary talk and walk may, as the Native Americans like to say, grow some corn.

However, remember that the justice-building of mature men must be balanced with joy-sharing. Justice-builders quickly turn into grim crusaders unless there is adequate time for foolery and drumming, chanting and gamboling. A joy, deeper than happiness and more enduring than pleasure, is central to any revolutionary program. Therefore, our Men's Network heartily agrees with socialist rebel Emma Goldman who liked to say: "I don't want to be a part of any revolution where there isn't dancing!" You've probably heard about the bishop who lamented: "Wherever Jesus went, there was a revolution; wherever I go, people serve tea!" Well, that's but a partial truth—for, in fact, Jesus was both a party-goer and a prophetic force. And while the Nazarene didn't attend tea parties, he did gravitate to wine feasts.

Even one of our premier work-horses for justice, Theodore Parker, noting the glaring absence of any exuberance among his mid-19th century Unitarian colleagues, was impelled to write: "Most powerfully preaching to the conscience and the will, the cry was ever 'duty, duty! work, work!' They failed to address with equal power the spirit, and did not also shout 'joy, joy! delight, delight!' Their vessels were full of water, but they did not gush out, leaping from the great spring..."

Indeed, our Network hankers for an abundance of laughers, singers, clowns, and dancers among its revolutionary company.

Closing Reflections

While the accomplishments of UUMeN will rarely match our aspirations, we contend that individuals and organizations are finally measured by the size of our hopes and the integrity of our principles more than by the tally of our achievements. Therefore, we march gradually forward—rolling back assumptions and prejudices while rolling in greater approximations of justice and joy.

There is a legend that tells of a contest between an elephant and a thrush. The elephant boasted that it could make itself heard the farthest and dared the thrush to accept the challenge. The thrush did. Then the elephant raised its trunk and sent forth a piercing blast. The thrush quietly sang its song. The judges went forth to find out how far each contestant had been heard.

On and on they went, until they found no one who had heard the elephant's trumpet, yet they could still hear "ever so softly" the song of the thrush. "How could the thrush's song carry farther than the elephant's cry?" asked the befuddled judges.

With gentle insistence the little bird explained "our thrush family has sentinels throughout the forest, and when one sings, another takes up the song and then another and another. So they pass it along until it is carried throughout the land."

Surely, if our song of justice is to resound joyfully throughout the far-flung reaches of our movement, even beyond our walls, then we're going to need men and women alike to enlist as sentinels in the grand and noble transmission of our revolutionary manifesto.

Tom Owen-Towle

delivered at the Spokane General Assembly (June 17, 1995)

Tom Owen-Towle has served as a parish minister since 1967 and a leader in the men's movement since 1972. He is co-senior minister with his wife Carolyn of the First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Diego. Tom is a founder of UUMeN and a member of its Steering Council.

Individual and Group Identities

I rejoice in Tom's assertion that "the last thing we need...is horizontal contentiousness, men chewing on men....(W)e refuse...to scorn or humiliate men qua men." With his continued spiritual guidance, I am confident that UUMeN will avoid those pitfalls. Nevertheless, I do have some concern that "white, heterosexual men" can be set up for a bad rap. This is a phenomenon that I call the "WH-HETMEN" scapegoat. If I were a white heterosexual male (1), I would feel some degree of resentment—if not some anger—at the implication that I am the singular source of relational and earthly destruction! That is, oddly, biblical literalism—the legacy of poor, inept Adam, who couldn't handle creation's first group relationship. I believe that ALL men, of whatever skin color or sexual orientation, face the transformational challenges so brilliantly described by Tom. And we all need each other for this to transpire. As UUMeN grows in numbers, I can foresee the creation of caucuses or special interest groups, e.g., African-American UUMeN, Latino UUMeN, Native American UUMeN, Gay-Bisexual UUMeN—maybe even White Heterosexual UUMeN—but it is my fervent hope that we, with our sister-allies, will be one, unfragmented, dynamic, and loving organization. This will not be easy to accomplish, but Tom has wisely made no promises that our work together will be easy. While all of us need to face the painful truth about our social justice sins of commission and omission, the litany of white heterosexual male mea culpas cannot go on indefinitely. For our spiritual and emotional health, we ought not to wallow in scrupulosity; rather, we ought to grow and move on toward forgiveness, reconciliation, and social change.

Social Justice Priorities

UUMeN is an infant organization, and its developmental future is unclear. Nevertheless, the doing of social justice is a central UUMeN commitment, eloquently stated by Tom. My major concern in this area is that I feel Tom overstates the case for the primacy of anti-racism in our menswork, especially in his dare to men not to "sneak off to a more fashionable social cause." There is a danger here of pressuring us into an orthodox or rigid approach to the work of anti-racism—which I prefer to describe, by the way, as pro-racial equality. I find it more inspiring and energizing to be FOR something than AGAINST something. In any case, I agree with Professor Bill Jones that, in our time, "oppression is the geopolitical megatrend." Wherever men and women struggle for freedom from any oppression, they contribute to racial equality, and I honor them in my heart, if not with my help, whatever the name of their social cause.

If we affirm the interconnected web of all existence, it behooves us to understand critically the interconnected web of all oppressions!

As we creatively and energetically pursue anti-racism education, training, and social action within our UU culture, it is imperative, in my opinion, to step out of paradigm boxes to act for liberation from related oppressions which foster the conditions of racism. No one should be intimidated or shamed that they are sneaking off "to more fashionable social causes." I can assume that this is not Tom's intention, but I would like to prevent this kind of misinterpretation. All of us have our own list and record of social justice priorities. My top four are: sexual ignorance and oppression; the crises in national and global public health; American political oligarchy; and global economic exploitation of workers and the planet.

Time does not permit an exposition of those four social justice issues, but I simply urge all men to contribute generously to the UUA project for producing a new, comprehensive life-cycle program on human sexuality. As one of the core members of the curriculum team that developed the original "About Your Sexuality" multimedia program, I know how costly and time-consuming such a project can be. Yet, as unfortunate as it is that a special fund-raising effort must be made to accomplish the new sexuality curriculum, I plead for UUMeN take an active role in addressing this need. I especially commend Cornel West for his courageous facing of the sex issue in RACE MATTERS (2), and I firmly believe that unless we, in Tom's words, "dare to be mad," we will continue to propagate myriad forms of violence caused by sexual ignorance and oppression. Society at large, including UU culture, just doesn't get it: human sexuality, sex ethics, and gender freedom and equality require a radical reframing of intimate relationships, family structures, and social mores.

Pro-Feminist Alliances

There are feminists and there are feminists, some groups of which are in vigorous disagreement with each other. I would like to qualify Tom's assertion that "feminism is in men's deeper interests," for I can imagine some conflicting positions on some social issues such as the regulation of pornography and the changes in family law related to divorce, alimony, and child custody. There is still a very strained area of conflicting interests in this awkward transitional time in intergender relations.

UUMeN will quickly wither away if it does not pay serious attention to hurting, often angry, men. It is ironic that we have been sensitized to take seriously the victimization of women while, ideologically, we distrust male claims of victimization. The magnificent services of healing conducted by such UUMeN's groups as the Seattle and San Diego chapters are good examples of dealing with the pain of men and women-friends. I anticipate some very exciting and transformative collaborative programs in the future between UUMeN, the UUWF, and other women's groups. Nonetheless, at the risk of occasional tension between some feminists and UUMeN, it is my conviction that UUMeN must be helpful in a variety of ways to enraged males who feel unfairly treated or falsely accused by women. Enraged men are more susceptible to violence and self-destructive behaviors, and UUMeN must have a mission and services for these brothers without fear of being labeled reactionary by some feminists.

The Ultimate Male Power

The ultimate male power is the self-empowerment of saying NO to violence. This transformative power is, however, subversive of political power, and it is feared and must be controlled by the rulers of all nations. Why do you think that the media of this country portray the men's movement as just drum-bangers in the woods and wimpy crybabies rolling in the mud? They don't want us to know about each other and they don't want to assist us in finding each other. Why do you think that the reactionary power elite so vehemently oppose abortion, sexuality education, sensitivity training, and the social change agenda of the men's movement? They need a ready supply of cannon fodder—men who can quickly be transformed into terrorists and mass murderers for the expediency of military solutions to political problems as well as to protect and propagate the entrenched global power of the military-industrial complex. In the contrived and maintained culture of sick masculinity, it is incredibly easy to dehumanize the enemy and glorify the home warriors.

The most amazing men's movement in American history was a watershed in male moral evolution. Although not recognized as such at the time, the Vietnam Veterans Against the War—and all those men who proclaimed at the outset, "Hell no, we won't go!"—put the most powerful nation on earth on the alert: Cannon fodder will not come cheap any more.

Is it possible to grow a global movement of brothers of all faiths and colors to covenant never to take up offensive arms against each other? The answer of my heart and my head is YES, YES, YES! I conclude with three brief stories to illustrate the evolving self-empowerment of men to end violence against each other, and against women, children, and the planet.

The NBA Championship Series

If any of you watched the basketball playoffs this year, you may have noticed some very unusual public service announcements. I do not know who developed them, but they were brilliant and powerful. They depicted young African-Americans in confrontive, potentially violent situations with other young African-Americans. As the endangered person began to clench his fist, a voiceover from an NBA superstar would say something like, "... and one of the hardest decisions of my life was to walk away." The fist would unclench, and the young man would avoid violence by just shrugging and walking away. This is a powerful message to young black men who are murdering each other in horrendous numbers. This is men teaching men a better way.

Ataa Adjiri, Ghanian Woodcarver, Artist and Intellectual

Although he currently has his studio in Seattle, Washington, Ataa Adjiri, now forty-something, spent the first half of his life in his home country of Ghana. Under the mentorship of his grandfather, the boy learned the art of woodcarving. When, with his grandfather, he went to the forest to select a tree for his use, he ritualistically explained to the tree the purpose for which it was being cut down, and he asked the tree for forgiveness. His magnificent carvings, whether in native soapstone or mahogany, reflect his deep spirituality and his commitment to world peace. When I was compelled to enter his studio by a work I saw in a window, he explained to me the meaning of the three entwined moveable men carved from one piece of mahogany. "It has a special place in our culture," he said, "because it represents the unity of the family." Ataa went on to explain several aspects of Ghanian culture, and he shared how he had first missed the nurturance of the men of his village.

It was with great excitement that I shared with him the emotional power that his "Unity of the Family" piece had for me. It symbolized, I said, the enduring and essential unity of all men everywhere—our global brotherhood. And I explained to him that I was on my way to Spokane to be with a gathering of UUMeN, and that I wanted to purchase his piece so that I could share it with UUMeN. I also revealed to him my vision of a universal peace brotherhood. He, too, was very moved, and he said to me, "Only men can teach other men, and even if it takes one man at a time sharing the dream with one other, we can do it; we can create a new world of peace." Inside, my heart was bursting with joy, and, as we embraced, I knew I had found a spiritual brother.

If you are ever in Pioneer Square, Seattle, visit Ataa Adjiri at 214 1st Ave., So. (98104); phone (206) 464-4089.

All Quiet on the Western Front

Perhaps you have read the World War I novel by Erich Maria Remarque (German, 1928; English, 1929) or have seen the movie versions. In any case, I remember one scene as follows. A young German soldier jumps into a shell hole to hide from the fierce explosions around him. Suddenly, for the same reason, a French soldier jumps into the same crater. The German soldier plunges his bayonet into the Frenchman, and then endures the long death throes of his enemy. Out of curiosity, the German reaches into the dying man's pocket and discovers an unfinished love letter to his wife, along with the identity of the man as a baker—a baker with a family, whose blood is now soaking the shell hole. The German holds the now dead Frenchman and says, "If it were not for my rifle and your grenade, we could be brothers. But they don't want us to know that, do they?"

Dad Three Essays

2007-10-10T09:04:00.000-04:00

Dad Three Essays

Copyright © 1999 by Steven Lerner

Child's Bayshore Red, 9 1/2 M, B.F.Goodrich, PF Flyers

It is 1955. I walk with Dad down a tree lined street, on old broken sidewalk, with tree roots stirring the sidewalk pieces. We are going to get new sneakers for me. I am exited as we enter a giant building with wooden floors (Sears & Roebuck). We pass through tall canyons of white enameled rectangular objects, which are washing machines, that tower over me all in a row on either side of the aisle. We arrive at the shoe department, and I select a pair of red sneakers. We walk home, I in my new red sneakers, feeling like superman. Dad carries my old shoes in the box from my new sneakers.

It is 1999. Dad died two years ago. I decide to examine all the stuff, mostly electronic parts, that he stored in the garage cabinets over the car. After sorting through numerous boxes of parts, I see a small rectangular box that looks like a miniature shoe box. It has printed circuit boards in it now, and was relabled with different contents several times. I look at the end of the box, and the original label says "Child's Bayshore Red, B.F. Goodrich, PF Flyers, 9 1/2 M". It is the box from my new red sneakers! The box is somewhat faded, since Dad saved it, to store stuff, about 44 years ago.

The feeling of being with Dad when I was age 2 or 3 entered me, for a fleeting moment in a tenuous form, when I realized what the box was.

The Skeleton Tree

When I was out in the yard, to mow the lawn, and trim the front and rear hedges, I leaned a rake against the old orange tree which I have called the "skeleton tree". On an impulse, I placed my hand against the trunk and pushed. The tree moved easily. When I completed the other tasks, I pushed the tree down. The roots had rotted away. Then I got out the electric chain saw that Dad had, and I chopped the tree into foot long pieces.

I thought of how the tree was once so tough and resilient. Now the roots were rotted out, and the wood was dry and easily cut. This tree was dying in early '97. I was in the yard with Dad, and he wanted to cut it down. I suggested waiting to see what growth came with spring. With spring, on April seventh, came Dad's death. In my mind, I linked Dad with the tree. I found today that Mom did too. She said it was like saying good bye to Dad again, when she looked out and saw that the tree was gone.

When I pushed the tree, and found it so yielding, I knew that the time for the tree to be removed had come. I thought of how robust Dad was for so many years, until his time came. Then, with just a little push from fate, when he was by himself one night, he was away from us, gone but for our memories and dreams.

A Visit to Dad One Night

I find myself walking down a very large hallway inside a huge aircraft. I know that I am going to see Dad, in the place of the dead. The place of the dead turns out to be in the tail section of the fuselage of the giant airplane. I move onward, noting the flat mat finish of the unornamented gray metal walls. Rooms of various sorts open off of the hallway. Finally I reach the big double doors that are the entry way to the place of the dead.

As I enter, I can feel a strange feeling of dislocation; the laws of physics are different here. The rules that I am familiar with do not apply here. I hear a voice, over a public address system, which sounds a little familiar. I realize that it is the voice of Grandfather Morris, Dad's father, calling for Dad's brother, Uncle Henry. Movement in my peripheral vision draws my attention to the corner of the hall by the big doors. It is Henry, facing away from me, dressed in chino slacks and a muted tartan shirt, that are increasingly clearly not a three piece suit. I say nothing, and move farther into the place of the dead, looking for Dad. A few people I do not recognize are entering and leaving the hallway from rooms on the sides. I'm not sure who or what I may encounter.

After a while (Have I been here forever?), I come upon Dad, standing by a long, narrow, unfinished wooden table (I know it is of his manufacture), by the side wall of the hallway. Dad is wearing a sport shirt and slacks that change back and forth into a three piece suit continuously. Dad is everyone who he was simultaneously. Time happens all at once in the place of the dead. We talk without speaking, and without knowing exactly what we say to each other. I pick up a small tray, with some unidentifiable, odd, small tools and hardware items on it, from the table. The tray and its contents, as well as Dad, have been waiting there for me for all time. They are given me, to take with me, without it being said with words. I just know they are now mine to take with me. It is time to leave the place of the dead. I speak to Dad, saying that I hope that there is a lot of interesting stuff like this here that he can enjoy. I turn away from Dad. I can feel that it is definitely time for me to go.

Knowing that the rules are different, and much surer of myself, and the way, I rise into the air in the hallway, assuming a horizontal position with my hands forward. I fly swiftly, retracing my way through the hall to the two big doors that are the boundary of the place of the dead. Once beyond the doors, the rules apply, and I settle to my feet, walking back towards the front of the huge airplane. I can feel that I have something valuable that I did not have before.

The giant airplane keeps flying, wherever it is going. I don't know who is piloting it, or where its destination is, but I am not particularly concerned, knowing as I do that I am on it.

This was a dream.

Prayer

2007-10-08T23:49:00.000-04:00

Prayer for Men

Creator God, we pray for men; those whom you have created to share in the conception of life, and share in the responsibility of raising children.

Amen.

Sermon Rev. Daniel O'Connell

2007-10-06T17:42:00.000-04:00

Bring a Man Sunday – Rev. Dr. Daniel ÓConnell, October 2, 2005

Some of you may be wondering why today is "Bring a Man Sunday." At the end of last month– at the end of August, we had a "Bring a Friend Sunday." That we can understand. We may know some folks who might be interested in what Eliot Chapel is all about. But– Bring a Man Sunday?

Come on. Religion is a man's world, right? The Pope is a man. Most founders of world religions have been men. Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, the 12 disciples– all men. Catholic priests are all men. 95% of senior Protestant pastors are men. We've heard for years that western religion is a male dominated patriarchy.

And yet. In our context, most UU ministers are women. Most UU ministry students are women. More and more women are entering senior pulpits. Why, I've even heard that the president of one of our UU seminaries is a woman.

In many churches, most of the staff are women. Imagine our staff meetings here at Eliot. We typically have 8 people, and I'm the only male.

I used to bring news articles to meetings. One day I brought a bit about the government of the Netherlands deciding whether or not to charge a special tax on men– since– the idea went– men were responsible for crime, wars, what-have-you. Immediately the staff began chanting with a certain glee: Man tax! Man tax!

At church, most of our RE teachers are women. Most of our lay leaders are women. Drop in at Eliot during the week, and most of the people you meet will be women. Most of our volunteers are women.

Speaking in a hasty generalization– in large measure it is the women who keep this place running. Men built the church, men fix the church, but women keep it going. Women's Weekend is a huge event for our church. Many of our classes have a majority of women.

We have a big Women's Alliance group– they have 3 meetings a month– but all the men in the Retired UU Men's group have retired from that group.

Could church function without men? Imagine you showed up here on Sunday and there were no men. Could the church function? Sure. Could the church function without women? Not a chance.

Mainline Christianity has more of a problem with men in church, so they've spent more time studying this issue. Many Christian churches are– as one man put it– are Women's Clubs with a few male officers. As one writer asks:

How did a faith founded by a Man and His twelve male disciples become so popular with women, but anathema to men? The church of the 1st century was a magnet to males. Jesus' strong leadership, blunt honest, and bold action mesmerized men.

Today's church does not mesmerize men; it repels them. Just 35 % of the men in the US say they attend church weekly. In Europe male participation rates are in the neighborhood of 5%. (Murrow, Why Men Hate Going to Church, 7).

By way of contrast, male and female participation is roughly equal in Judaism, Buddhism, and Hinduism.

What is the ratio of women to men here at Eliot? I went through the first 10 pages of our 3 year old photo directory and came up with the following: we are 57% women and 43% men. That gives our congregation a slightly higher percentage of men than is true for most of mainline Protestantism. It's also true that you can't really judge participation by who's in a family photo in the directory.

Because Eliot is large, we have more than our share of rough-and-tumble men, high achievers, alpha males, risk takers and adventurers, and that is a good thing. But men like that are largely missing from churches.

When I talk of "male" qualities today I don't mean to force a stereotype. The qualities I'm talking about are of course found in men and women, but they often exist more especially in men.

Why would men find church difficult? You have to be pretty comfortable around and with women to do church well. And not all men are. In various surveys, men give lots of reasons why they don't find "church" useful.

Some men say they aren't interested in church because they don't have time, it's boring, it's irrelevant, they don't like the minister, they don't want to talk about it; it's too long; they ask for money too much.

But– here's something interesting– women don't tend to have these same attitudes. Maybe those are just excuses hiding other reasons. Men don't like to feel incompetent.

Some men would rather play bad golf than go to church, because that's how incompetent they can feel in church. Men fear being singled out & embarrassed. That's understandable. Other men are afraid to sing in public. We have two choirs and the Wednesday night choir is short on men. But guys, I gotta tell you, singing in a group can be fun, even if you're not pro.

Other men say churches are out of touch. Why has the rest of the world moved along, while in most churches it looks like it's 1870? Men realize the churches could function better with modern technology. One religious pollster says that for men under 50 "information conveyed through the use of technology often has a higher degree of believability than does information coming directly out of a speaker's mouth." (Barna, Second Coming of the Church, 58).

Some men say they feel they have to check their manhood at the church door. This is because of the emphasis on the feminine aspects of religion, and sermons which preach humility, relationships, & communication. Also, that the hymns fits the sensibilities of women and children– there are lots of hymns with feminine imagery but no mens hymns) and that it all boils down to the idea that to be religious is to be like your mom.

Men who do find their way to church sometimes find their gifts and styles don't make a good fit. Church can feel alien to them. As one wag put it: "the church and the Titanic have something in common: it's women and children first."

So, let me ask you this: if you had to pick– is church a man's world or a woman's world?

Some men won't go to church for the same reason they won't wear pink– it's "unmanly." Of course, that's a short sighted view, but it's out there.

And you and I know that all our volunteer positions are open to either men or women. Why would some men think there's not much for them to do at church?

Many jobs in church stress verbal and relational skills men may feel they don't possess. "They demand proficiency with children, music, teaching, hospitality, or cooking, areas where women typically have more experience."

Because men don't usually possess the soft skills needed for spiritual work, they tend to gravitate toward practical ministries: building, finance, usher[ing], and committee work. But [this kind of work] may seem incidental to the "real" work of the church".

Fortunately, lots of liberal religious men rise above that. I have seen Eliot men visiting others in the hospital. I have seen Eliot men working at our Room at the Inn program where we house the homeless right here in church 3 Thursdays a month. I have seen Eliot men who are not fearful about their masculinity do the various ministries that make up the church.

But I also know that the culture outside our walls is different than the culture inside it. And the outside culture can make it tough for men to discover us, to find a spiritual home.

Men avoid church, and they are worse off because of it. How do I know this? Statistics tell me so.

Men are more likely than women to be arrested, die violently, commit and be victims of crimes, go to jail, and be addicted. They die more often on the job, have more heart attacks, commit suicide in greater numbers, and live shorter lives than women. I could go on.

If men want to avoid these pathologies, they could go to church. One study found that churchgoers are more likely to be married and express a higher level of satisfaction with life.

Church involvement is the most important predictor of marital stability and happiness. It moves people out of poverty. It's also correlated with less depression, more self-esteem, and greater family happiness.

Religious participation leads men to become more engaged husbands and fathers. Teens with religious fathers are more likely to say that they enjoy spending time with their dads and that they admire them.

So, men are a minority in church, and we've heard some reasons why. We have also heard some ideas on why participating in a religious community is good for men.

Is what we might call "male energy" good for church? That energy can promote church health:

An expansionist outlook (they seek to grow our influence)

Orientation toward risk (risk is what produces reward)

Focus on the outside world (some of the work of the church is like manure: keep it to ourselves, and it begins to stink; spread it around outside and it makes things grow)

Concern with rules and fairness

Pragmatism brings innovation to the church (how we can do things better)

Men bring strength to the church

Men bring money to the church

Men bring women to the church

Men bring their families to the church

Let's just highlight two of those: money and families. One pastor put it this way: "When she comes to church and he doesn't, you get the [pledge] off the grocery money. When they come together you get the [pledge] off the paycheck." I have to say, that for heterosexual couples I have found that to be true; it seems less true for gay and lesbian couples, in my experience.

As far as families go, the indications are pretty clear: "when a mother [becomes active in church] the rest of her family follows 17% of the time. But when a father [becomes active] the rest of the family follows 93% of the time" (47).

We might not like that statistic. We might say it's sexist. But it is reality. We'll talk about "make believe" versus "reality" next Sunday. But if it's true that the family follows Dad to church 93% of the time, then this has implications for us.

Here's another thing I didn't expect in researching this topic. An evangelical writes:

If you want your church to attract men, you must put a high prioirty on developing leaders, especially male ones. Men are not looking for theologians, teachers, or facilitators. They are looking for men who will lead them to greatness.

Whoa! That last sentence got to me. I know that I look to men in this church to lead me to greatness. That language sounds a little strange but I think it rings true for me.

I look to my elders in this church for the big picture, and for patience.

I look to my peers in this church for new perspectives & for solidarity.

I look to those younger than me to remind myself of where I used to be, to remember to minister to boys, youth, and young adults in their journey.

I look to some Eliot men to lead me to greatness. In the UU tradition, there is not just one exemplar we should all follow. We are a community of all souls– if not all saints– and we each have something to offer each other. All of us have different strengths to model.

Of course, I learn things from women too. For example, my spouse is a constant source of illumination. Oh yes.

When we think about attracting people to church– which frankly– is not something we speak of very often– we sometimes think about the complexity of explaining who we are & what we're about. Sometimes there is an inclination to make it as easy as possible for people to fit in.

But that may not always be the right way to go. Consider Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton. He posted this announcement in 1913 for his expedition:

Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages. Bitter cold. Long months of complete darkness. Constant danger. Safe return doubtful. Honor and recognition in case of success.

More than 5,000 men applied for 26 positions.

I must admit, I would not have been one of them. But contrast that message with the idea that if we want to recruit for the church, we have to market our religion like Tylenol: an antidote to spiritual suffering.

The depth oriented path to Unitarian Universalism requires something of us. It requires us to really think about what we believe and why we believe it, and what difference it makes to us and the people around us.

Unchurched men and women wonder: what are we about? If we're not heading to the Antarctic, where are we heading? What is our mission? "Eliot Chapel, a Unitarian Universalist community, gathers to foster free religious thought, nurture spiritual growth, and act for social justice". That's our mission in life.

In some ways, UUs have it harder than creedal religions. We don't get the certainty of a creed. We don't get the velvet coffin, the velvet coffin of a sealed revelation. Our revelation is still open.

To be perfectly honest, Unitarian Universalism, properly practiced, can be– dangerous.

Our religion is not an insurance policy for the after-life. Our religion is a ticket to spiritual adventure.

Unitarian Universalism affords the danger that cherished notions will be called into question. That old religious wounds will be re-opened (to be cleaned and more fully healed). That routines will be replaced with adventures into the unknown.

Unitarian Universalism is dangerous. Let's face it. We are a minority. There are more truck drivers in Missouri than there are Unitarian Universalists in the whole world! And our UU ideas are heretical. Still! Even today.

The Challenge

Because we are so small, our dreams must be big. This is our history. Our spiritual forebearers had big dreams– to abolish slavery, to get women the vote, to get civil rights for everyone. These were all goals thought impossible at one time that we take for granted today.

It is in that spirit, that I offer some of you a challenge. It is a 7 month challenge. The details of the challenge are in 4 (at first service or 6 at second service) sealed envelopes.

In a moment, I am going to ask everyone to bow their heads and close their eyes. I will ask our accompanist to play a little something and while the music is playing, if you feel you would like to take this challenge, then with your head down and eyes closed, raise your hand into the air. I will select a few of you at random and place an envelope in your hands.

Those who accept an envelope agree not to open it until they get home. They will have between now and May Day, 2006 to complete the challenge. And, it being a Unitarian Universalist challenge, they can work on it as much or as little as they wish.

To accept this challenge, you do not have to be male. You do not have to be a member or friend of this church. You do not have to be "from around here". You do not have to be an adult nor a child, nor a youth; neither rich nor poor; only a desire to use whatever skills & energy you can muster to take the challenge to help a stranger. And then to write one page about your experience. That page is due to me on May Day, 2006.

This is a spiritual journey. There are no wages. Neither excessive cold nor heat. Seven months of occasional thought and action. No apparent danger. Honor and recognition in case of success. It is a journey to an unknown land. But you will not be alone.

Even if you don't get the envelope, you may hear of the challenge, and decide to take it anyway. Life is like that sometimes.

And now, let us bow our heads, and listen to the music. And if you are up for a challenge, raise your arm in the air.

Very good.

Even though you may not have received an envelope, once you learn of the contents, you may want to take the journey too. Because more than

"Once, to every Soul and Nation, comes the moment to decide, in the strife of truth with falsehood, for the good or evil side: Then to stand with truth is noble, when we share its wretched crust; 'ere that cause bring fame and profit and 'tis prosperous to be just.

Let's rise and sing it, shall we? Once to Every Soul and Nation, #119

Groups for men... not a novel idea.

2007-10-05T19:57:00.000-04:00

GROUPS FOR MEN... NOT A NOVEL IDEA !

Groups for men are not a novel idea, nor are they the private domain of psychotherapy or AA or the new "men's movement." No, being part of a group for men has always been a valued source of companionship, identity, learning and fun which we have lost. Remember team sports, boy scouts, the "gang", fraternity, the club, even your army platoon; remember what you got from those experiences? Today, most men are completely isolated from any type of "male "reference" group; so have lost the needed reorientation which other men have always provided for them. Simply stated, we need other men in our lives to keep the "spirit" of being a man alive. We need men in our lives so we feel confident in the ideals we pass along to our children; and we need men in our lives so we know how to give to, and what to expect from, our women. Being part of a group of men capable of exploring their world is a powerful experience. Unfortunately, there are few opportunities for men to have this experience which is why we started "MensWork."

“MensWork” is a learning experience for and about men looking to accelerate their growth into fully mature and self-actualized men, we call this man “King.” Some authors have referred to this final stage of male development as “the King within,” or the "deep masculine." Men at this stage of development feel completely engaged in life; and challenged by life’s problems; rather than overburdened, frustrated and depressed. Relationships with family and friends work because this man freely empowers others knowing that the source of his own power is within his control and inexhaustible. His community knows him as a man willing to give of himself and his time.

MensWork is designed to help men unlock their true masculine power and with it the motivation to improve their lives, their relationships, and the world around them. Men self-actualize or grow toward becoming kings only when they can reclaim their power as men. We believe men can learn to feel more powerful by working together within a trusting environment of relationships with other men. Groups of men work together helping each other overcome obstacles, which prevent a man from experiencing himself as powerful. The cohesiveness of a men’s group holds each member accountable to live his life according to the standards he has set forth for himself as a man thus encouraging and supporting the changes he wants to make.

Benefits of Men's Groups

2007-10-04T08:55:00.000-04:00

At least six predictable patterns of behavior and communication will emerge in a group. If the members let these patterns unfold without attention, then they will get stuck in certain roles and ways of communicating. The feeling of dynamic growth and expectancy that marks the beginning of a group can disappear, and the group is likely to fragment, because members will begin to feel distant from each other.

These patterns are not good or bad, they happen automatically, like gravity. If the group is willing to pay attention to them, this awareness can lead to understanding of how we communicate, both within the group and outside, and can help enormously in our relationships.

Two of the patterns are issues of how the group creates itself: Commitment Leadership The four other patterns are personal or psychological issues which will emerge as men meet with each other.

SEE THE FOLLOWING FOUR PATTERNS IN NEXT MONTHS NEW ADDITIONS TO OUR HOMEPAGE

Creating and Avoiding Intimacy

Family Patterns

Dominance

Truth telling vs. Blaming

General questions follow each description. These questions can lead to fruitful discussions if group members plug them into the discussion format in Chapter 7.

GROUP CREATION

QUESTIONS OF COMMITMENT

These dynamics relate to questions of involvement: Are group members committed to the process? Are agreements about commitment, attendance, and promptness clear enough so that men can keep them? Laxness about creating the container of the group is a statement of intention; it says something like, "I want an escape valve so I don't really have to be here?"

If attendance becomes a consistent problem for a man, often he is showing his dissatisfaction for the group in the only way he knows how. Of course, men need to stay current with other members if their commitment level changes. It is easy to make the absent member the scapegoat for ambivalence that other members may be feeling, but do not know how to talk about. It is important to remember that the real commitment is for group members to be present and willing to invest themselves, their truth, and their vulnerability into the group.

Key Questions

1. Is the group set up so that the agreements about when and where the group meets are clear? Do the group members come on time and consistently? Do members expect a call when someone is going to miss?

2. Do group members feel free to talk about their own or others' lateness or missed meetings? What emotional reaction do these misses trigger in other members? How are these reactions familiar from previous relationships?

3. Do the members come ready to be present, or are they affected by their working pace or drugs like alcohol or coffee?

LEADERSHIP

Who is going to run the group, and how will this be decided? How will group decisions be made? Questions like these inevitably arise when men get together to create something. Men have found great inspiration and energy with good leaders, and they have been wounded and abused by bad ones. This history will be present in a group, especially at the beginning, as the members begin to develop some trust.

John Guarnaschelli, who has put together dozens of men's groups through "On the Common Ground" in New York City, has suggested to me that this is the one hurdle that his groups struggle with the most. Men launch into group work together without handling this single fundamental issue: how will the members decide where to meet, when to meet, and most importantly, how will they meet? The failure to come to a common agreement means that some men will unconsciously take power, and others will give it up. Unspoken resentments will build, until someone has the courage to tell the truth, or until the group fragments.

Key Questions

1. What kind of leader do I want for this group? Do I want to be the only leader? Will I give my respect to another leader? Do I want leadership to rotate, or rest with one individual?

2. What kinds of issues do I have around leadership? Do I want to control and manage, or do I sit back and criticize? How do I react when I am being lead or controlled and I don't like it?

3. Am I willing to make leadership a topic of the group? Am I willing to speak honestly about my needs when the leaders do not appear to be taking them into account?

CHAPTER 7: Stages in the Group's Life: The Beginning

We will always find the first meetings of a group exciting, frightening, and challenging. We come together bringing all our fears from past men's events (fraternity hazings, army drinking parties, high school football) where we were hurt or maybe shamed for being vulnerable. All these painful episodes and memories reside somewhere in the room when we meet. As much as we want to let go of these memories, we will also want to control group process, so we don't have to be vulnerable until we build up some trust.

When I began leading groups, I wanted to be in control, so that the group would work "right", and so that the members would get the "proper" experience. What that meant, of course, was I was afraid to be vulnerable and say when I didn't know what to do next. I needed to appear "together," so I could stay safe. In this phase of my leadership I thought I had to manage the group carefully, so that members would feel good about the group. (And thus I could feel good about myself.)

Over time, I learned to trust group process and the members more. I began to let go, to let the group take care of itself, in terms of deciding on and doing activities, and even in intervening with and making comments to other members. But most important, I let go of holding myself back from the group, and of attempting to create a positive image of myself in their eyes. I started sharing my own life events more in the group, my thoughts, doubts, and feelings while I was with them.

Because of my belief in the importance of men's community, I realized I had to be in the group more, instead of playing the role of a therapist-observer. This is also an issue of timing. After the group has built up cohesion and trust between group members and between members and leaders, the time is ripe for more personal sharing by the facilitator.

And I know that whenever I join a group or a project, I am anxious, and this anxiety shows itself in different ways. I want to please the other members of the group, and sometimes I make jokes to diffuse my own fear. All of us, in the beginning stages of a group, will resort to old defensive patterns to keep people away, to control how vulnerable we will become.

One time several years ago, my men's group interviewed a new man. The whole evening he was there, he spent drawing a picture on a big pad in his lap. Finally one of the other members said, "Tim, what are you doing..." Tim said, "Oh just trying to sketch out some ideas I had about...." Needless to say, we were not impressed with his willingness to be present and didn't invite him to stay.

I use this example because we all resist intimacy in some way. Men will ask a thousand questions before they commit to a group, and most of the questions revolve around one or two central issues: Will I get hurt? Will the group love and accept me if I really show myself? If the group can talk about these issues in depth, great awareness and transformation can occur.

I have begun here in Chapter 7 with a group of exercises designed to help the group get started with clear intentions and a clear vision, with some simple group activities (mostly discussions), and with brief rituals to open and close the group. This section of exercises could take six to ten meetings to complete, since the discussion questions raised in the Group Topics exercises could each take a two-hour meeting or more to complete. I recommend taking time on each one, until members feel in accord with the vision of the group and their intentions to explore psychological dynamics that will inevitably emerge in a group.

CHAPTER 8: Stages in the Group's Life: Going Deeper

In the second stage in the group's journey, men feel excitement, deepening trust and new depths of friendship. Often group members are exhilarated that such great obstacles as fear and logistics were overcome and that they actually can meet together and bond.

I remember reading in Alan Ginsberg's journals where he described the long, cross-country journeys he and Jack Kerouac and Gary Snyder and others would take to meet. He wrote something like, "We would hitchhike across America to talk to a friend." In Ginsberg's comment I heard his great loneliness, and also the bond he shared with his fellow travelers and dharma bums, a bond in which their hearts had been touched by some capacity for truth or joy or creativity in their brothers. A heart once touched by a kindred spirit will never be the same. Many men like myself have experienced these powerful emotions of bonding and brotherhood through men's meetings.

In the early 1980's the men in the Bay Area who attended retreats together created a group called the Golden Gate Men's Council. We drove from all over the Bay Area to a small community center in San Francisco one Sunday a month, and well I remember the fondness and even hilarity with which we greeted each other after a month's absence.

We were new to such intense male friendships, and we created funny rituals and awkward activities, as we experimented with community building. One time at the Golden Gate Men's Council meeting, my friend Doug and I tried in one afternoon to bring back a ten-thousand-year-old tradition of initiation, a tradition that the men there agreed we had lost in our childhoods, somewhere between the "Ozzie and Harriet" show and little league.

Doug and I dressed up in robes, and we wore the bones of cattle over our heads. We asked the thirty men at the meeting to line up blindfolded all around the walls of this small gym. We tried to terrorize them by blowing conch shells in their ears and jostling them, because we knew that indigenous tribal rituals contained the threat of death, or at least embarrassment, for the boys. But unfortunately most of the men there knew when they took off their blindfolds, they'd still be in the gym. No lives were at stake. Doug and I wondered why these guys weren't permanently transformed by our attempts to bring back ritual into their lives. Then we sat down together to a lunch of spaghetti, after which we played volleyball with terrific zeal and little skill.

In the second stage of the group's life, besides the excitement, men are testing each other. How safe is it? How much of myself can I reveal? As we share secrets about our lives, we look around the room, afraid to be so vulnerable. Will we be received, or will someone shame us, and recommit the abuses we've all experienced in the past? There is only one way to find out.

As my friend and colleague, Lou Dangles, suggested, the group is deepening into contact in at least three different ways. Personal stories and discussions both bring the group together, and they prepare the ground for direct sharing and interactive work between men, the second form of depth. Ritual work provides a context for men to work and bond in; we see ourselves as part of the great forces and mysteries of the universe, not just guys stuck in our personal dramas and traumas, but men wrestling with important issues of community, creativity, and compassion. This larger picture brings yet a different form of depth.

In the exercises for Chapter 8, I have included a number of discussions, creative arts activities, and rituals. A couple of the discussion activities encourage direct dialogue between group members. These direct dialogues prepare the way for activities which help solve group problems in Chapter 9, Plateaus and Problems.

CHAPTER 9. Stages in a Group's Life: Plateaus and Problems

As months go by, the group can begin to feel stale and dull. Sometimes a new member can bring in excitement, or doing new activities can help, but eventually, my experience has shown me, the group has to move towards introspection.

Members have to do a "gutcheck" and ask themselves if they like what the group is doing. This self-analysis scares members. It forces them to look deeply at their communication habits and their ways of being intimate and being distant. It also requires direct conversation between members.

This cycle of group life can lead to great awareness and revived interest in the group, and to learning new skills that are invaluable outside the group. If however, group trust and safety have not been created, and if men don't feel bonded, the group can fragment. This is a tough balancing act, but it is one that we do all the time with other relationships too, so we have some experience with this judgement call.

A couple of years ago, a friend, Andrew, was starting up a group with some of his buddies. After a few meetings, I called and asked him how it was going, and he said, "I can't believe how angry I have gotten...First of all this guy, I hardly know him. Didn't come two times ago. He called in to say that his girlfriend wanted some quality time and it had to be on that night. We had just agreed on meeting nights the week before...But that wasn't all. There's this other guy in the group, very successful doctor...he talks all night. Whenever there is a pause in the action, he jumps in. He takes up all the time. I don't get to talk..."

I asked him if he felt like he could tell these guys about the problems he was having. He said, "No. It just makes me want to stay home too." I knew that he had joined the group to get support about issues with his teenage kids, and to practice interacting with people, so I said, "Do you see how the group is doing its work? You feel like people can't hear you. You feel abandoned by this man. And you don't know how to talk to them without blowing up, just like your father used to do with you...I'd say that the group is giving you a perfect opportunity to work on the issues that you said you're there for."

"Yeah, I guess so," Andrew said. "It's just hard to be vulnerable with this group of guys. Even though I've known some of them for a long time, I don't know how to bear my heart to them. There is such fear in me. And of course, I don't want to talk about that, I'd rather be mad at the other fellows. I see how that is my pattern of protection."

Andrew's group had originally met to talk about specific topics, but inevitably group dynamic issues were raised. And Andrew was wrestling with fundamental problems of safety and trust, within this group of powerful men. My experience shows me that unless Andrew's group could communicate some of these deeper group experiences, the members would reach a plateau. Eventually general topics will not hold the group together, because of the unspoken conflicts which need to be aired.

Several clear signals indicate when a group is in a plateau.

1. Men are complaining outside the group about certain members, or about the way the group is working.

2. Men leave the group meetings feeling uninvolved, or there are long periods at the meetings when men are bored.

3. Men begin missing group sessions; other life commitments become more important.

4. There is more expression of anger at the meetings, sometimes with inexplicable causes.

5. There are no activities or conversations that bring men into direct contact with each other, so a backlog of un-communicated feelings builds up. It is important to remember that what may be a plateau for one man, a time when the group feels slow and stagnant, may be a period of quiet calm and nurturing for other members. These divergent voices must all be heard, so that men can reflect on and communicate how the group is working for them.

The exercises in this chapter build on some of the interactive exercises in Chapter 8. They ask men to tell the truth to each other and about the group itself.

For example, in one group, we spent three sessions in a row going around the room and saying to each other, "Blank, something I have been meaning to say to you for a long time but I haven't been able to is....." Many deep hurts surfaced, and some men expressed their pain and anger. But the group provided a place for an exciting experiment in conflict resolution, and after the emotional clearing, we felt much more bonded and open to truth telling.

Men should hold in their hearts the vision that they can clear their judgements and old unspoken communications in a group setting and thereby become closer to the other men.

After ten years of group work, I know that groups will deepen as they begin to deal with conflict directly. The exercises in this chapter give tools for this important exploration. They help members confront their own deeply unconscious patterns of withholding love and truth from others. Sometimes meetings which use these exercises can be painful, but if men enter into them with a heart full of hope and forgiveness, and with a mood of exploration, they can create deeper bonds.

Here are some tips for these interactive processes.

1. These exercises should have a designated facilitator for the night, since each man can get caught up in his own emotional reactivity. An outside observer is very helpful.

2. When doing one of these exercises, the leader should help participants take the focus off the other man whom the member is talking to and about. The member should concentrate on his own bodily-emotional experience. One of my teachers, Dr. Gay Hendricks, says the goal is to make statements from our own truth which are inarguable, such as the difference between "You let me down," and "When you act that way, I feel sad and distant, and my chest hurts." The second statement is strictly my own truth--to the bone.

3. Members should always ask themselves what past wound or hurt in their personal history is being activated, if they are feeling reactive to another man, if they want to judge or blame, or if they are angry with? These face-to- face talks go much better when each person is trying to plumb the depths of their own patterns of emotional experience.

4. The facilitator for the night must pay attention to the types of statements that are being made: are they inarguable personal truths, or are they accusatory or blaming? The easiest way to tell is to listen to the response of the other man.

CHAPTER 11: Men's Resources for Change

1. Books

FAIRY TALES AND MYTHS

King Warrior Magician Lover. Moore and Gillette. HarperCollins. New York. 1990. Many positive images of men and a sympathetic analysis of our psyches.Iron John. Robert Bly. Harper and Row. New York. 1990. The book that came from the material that started it all. How can you miss it? (order on-line)

The Complete Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm. Jack Zipes, translation. Bantam Books. 1987. The seminal work of the Grimms, seedbed of story lines and images. (order on-line)

SOCIOLOGY-HISTORY

Warrior's Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet. Jed Diamond. New Harbinger. Oakland. 1994. A book that inspires change and outlines a plan to get from here to there. This book provides an thoughtful analysis of violence and addiction, and shows how men can heal from these habits, from a pioneer in the men's movement. Order hardcover on-line Save 30% Order softcover on-line Save 20% Interviedw with Jed Diamond about this book: "Warriors and the Planet"

Manhood in the Making. David Gilmore. Yale University Press. 1990.Another sympathetic analysis of how men are trained to be the way we are. Fascinating, slightly academic and intelligent. (order on-line)

RITUAL

Of Water and the Spirit. Malidoma Somé. Tarcher-Putnam. 1994. An African shaman with a Western education describes his life in these two worlds. Order on-line: Book

Audio Cassette

Betwixt and Between: Patterns of Masculine and Feminine Initiation. Louis Mahde, Stephen Foster and Meredith Little, eds. Open Court Publishing. 1987. An anthology of articles and descriptions of personal and tribal initiations, with information about how to create our own. (order hardcover on-line) (order trade paperback on-line)

SPIRITUAL LIFE

Healing into Life and Death. Stephen Levine. Doubleday. 1987. A road map on how to work with illness, death and loss. Many valuable guided meditations. (order on-line) (audio cassette)

A Path with Heart. Jack Kornfield. Bantam. 1993. Stories, autobiographical and otherwise, by a leading western teacher of Buddhism. A man with heart has chosen inspirational stories and teachings to help us wake up to living life with attention and compassion. (order on-line)

POETRY

News of the Universe. Robert Bly, ed. Sierra Club Books. 1980. A seminal collection of poetry on nature, mysticism, love and death, organized around Bly's thesis that nature poetry is re-emerging as a vital stream in Western poetry, after centuries of misuse and ignorance. (order on-line) (audio cassette)

Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. Robert Bly, James Hillman and Michael Meade, eds. Harper Collins. 1992. A collection of poetry loved by men who have attended workshops with these three important teachers. (order on-line)

RELATIONSHIP

Conscious Loving. Gay Hendricks, PhD. and Katie Hendricks, PhD. Bantam. 1990. Excellent text for understanding body-oriented healing and for practicing truthtelling and non-blaming conversations. See especially the exercises in the back of the book. (order on-line)

2. Video:

A Gathering of Men. Bill Moyers. PBS. A poignant interview with Robert Bly explaining his work with men, intercut with workshop footage of men talking with each other and Bly.

3. Web resources Check out MenWeb's listing of resources for men on the Web.

4. Men's Centers

The best place to find a current listing of centers in your area is:

Menstuff:The National Men's Resource Calendar

MAS Medium Co., Box 882,San Anselmo Ca 94960-0882

Phone Line: 415-453-2839. This quarterly has ceased hard-copy publication, but the information is now available on the Web.

This project of maintaining information on these groups is a massive on and all praise is due to Gordon Clay for his work on this.

MenWeb has a listing of men's centers and men's councils as well. Click here to see it.

The following is a list of centers which I am personally aware of:

West Coast Regional Centers

Bay Area Men's Centers:

Berkeley

Berkeley Men's Center

2925 Shattuck Ave.

Berkeley CA 94705

415-644-0107

Marin County

Echo Rock Therapy Center Men's Program

45 Camino Alto

Mill Valley Ca 94941

415-388-0333

Coordinator: George Taylor.

Santa Rosa, Sonoma County

Redwood Men's Center

705 College Ave.

Santa Rosa, CA

707-575-0550

East Coast

John Guarnaschelli

On the Common Ground

250 W. 57 St. #1527

New York, NY 10107

Here are some numbers I'm reprinting from Gordon.

Seattle Men's Wisdom Council. 206-454-1189

Portland Resource Center. 503-235-3433

Los Angeles Lost Dog Men's Council. 310-475-1069

Midwest

Men's Council Project

Box 17341

Boulder CO 80301-0431

303-444-7741

5. Publications and Periodicals

Men's Voices Journal. 7552 31st Ave. NE, Seattle WA 98115 (quarterly, $20/4 issues)

Brother to Brother. P.O. Box 1876, Nevada City Ca 95959

Journal of Men's Studies. Box 32, Harriman TN 37748. ($30)

Men's Center of Los Angeles Newsletter. 213-276-9598. $10

Men's Groups - report in from DOWN UNDER (Australia)

2007-09-20T20:38:00.002-04:00

MEN IN GROUPS

Cliches abound with men’s groups. But what really happens? Imagine a room with up to nine men sitting in a circle. Evenings usually begin with a ‘clearing’; each gives a five minute rundown on his last week. The others listen and identify with themes relevant to them.

Confidentiality is paramount. ‘I’ statements are encouraged. Talk is often with shades of truth. ‘I’m tired and irritable,’ said Jack. ‘I almost didn’t come this week. It’s been an emotional roller coaster. I worked fifty hours plus......again. I’m at everyone’s beck and call; work during the day and my family at night, as if I’m here to serve others and my needs going unmet.’

Anxiety prevented Ken talking personally. ‘No-one stands up to my boss. He sets each meeting’s agenda. Some days he’s easier to get on with.’ The facilitator intervened: ‘Ken, what are you feeling right now?’ A long silence. ‘I feel bad,’ said Ken. When pressed, he said, ‘I feel sad’. But it lacks emotional depth, a stonelike quality dominates his face.

After each has a turn, it’s time for ‘identification’; relating experiences similar to those heard. Jack’s story struck a chord with Tony. ‘Jack, when talking about your boss and needing time for yourself, I sensed your anger and felt sad. Boundaries are a problem for me too. Getting priorities straight, making sacrifices for family, work and me, is hard. See, ‘I’ come last again. But seriously, with gym twice a week I’ve become more attentive to others.’

It was Malcolm’s first evening. A revelation. ‘I didn’t know others had these issues,’ he said. There were nods of agreement all round.

After the break, male stereotypes, the discussion topic was shelved. Kim was in crisis, a relationship break up. ‘It’s been three years since we met. She’s moving out Saturday,’ he said. ‘I feel lost.’

Stories and how they coped had Kim’s full attention. ‘I waited six months for her to come back,’ Peter said. ‘For a while I felt sorry for myself, then got out there again,’ said Ken. When the evening closed, a couple of men spoke quietly with him before going home.

With greater openness, men feel supported and nurtured rather than ashamed, inadequate or embarassed because they ‘said too much’. The camaraderie and excitement is self perpetuating. One night, no discussion took place. They danced instead! Other times they sat with a candle at centre circle for half an hour or so, discovering how profound silence can be.

Anyone can ‘pass.’ Robert wouldn’t role play a conversation with his father. It was ‘too close to the bone’. The rest accepted this, some resentfully. Later, in the sharing, Paul said, ‘It get’s to me. We participate, why don’t you? I get angry.’ Robert replied, ‘I felt alone and exposed. Now I feel rejected as well. The fact is I am not ready yet.’

David’s perspective differed. ‘This stuff can get scary,’ he said. Again, there were nods of agreement. Peter said, ‘I’ve felt lonely for it but realised how afraid I can be to reveal myself.’

Robert’s anxiety became apparent. ‘But, I still don’t understand why it’s “Men Only!”’ he blurted out. Peter came in with, ‘Men tend to look to women for support and self disclosure. ‘Most would be trying to make out with them. I’ve come to appreciate non sexualized, intimate relationships with men. This flows on to women.’

With time and trust, more is revealed. For several weeks, Ken had felt belittled by Doug. When confronted, Doug replied with anger, ‘it’s you, constantly taking over!’ The truth came out, albeit slowly. ‘I am threatened and jealous of Ken’s success,’ he said. ‘And now I’m embarassed and hurt.’

Ashley found it important. ‘Conflict can be resolved.’ he said. ‘Despite your anger Doug, we didn’t die from it. I would have walked away before. You must be close to be so honest with one another.’

In the closing circle, all stood with arms around each other’s shoulders. Doug thought, ‘I’ve calmed down.........I didn’t disintegrate telling the truth. I know what’s mine to deal with.’

Next week, Doug apologised, and explained his behaviour. But it didn’t finish there. Robert hadn’t shown up, phoning in ill. Others noticed him looking down during the argument. Was it too much for him? Sadness enveloped the room. ‘I miss him, I’ll talk to him tomorrow,’ said Peter.

And Ken, who had worn the halo of virtuous victimhood, alluded (in private) to competitive males trying to control situations........ So, was Doug’s anger justified? ‘Yes,’ he agreed grudgingly, ‘I didn’t like his manner though.’ Should he come clean with the group as well? ‘I’ll think about it,’ he said.

It’s a journey. Most meetings are revitalising. ‘I feel connected to the human race again,’ said Jack. ‘Vulnerability is a great leveller. We may lead different lives but have similar issues.’

The tradition of the unemotional Aussie male is losing its hold. Friendship between men creates gentle, more certain men. While not a sensational way to promote change, the honesty a men’s group can foster would make relationships more fulfilling.

Men

2007-09-20T20:38:00.001-04:00

Why come to the Men's Group ?

2007-09-17T21:47:00.001-04:00

Why come to the Men's Group?

A man is walking along and suddenly a hole opens up and before he knows what has happened he falls in. He looks around the hole and realized that he is alone and it is impossible to get out. He waits and soon a doctor comes along, he calls to the doctor for help. The doctor looks down in the hole, takes out his prescription pad and writes him a prescription and drops it into the hole. The next person to walk along is a priest. He calls to the priest and the priest looks down into the hole. The priest writes him a prayer and drops it in the hole. By now the man in the hole is getting very discouraged and feeling very helpless. Then he sees his friend walk by and yells, "Tony help me, I'm stuck down in this hole." Tony stops and looks down at his friend in the hole and without hesitation jumps in. The man said, "Tony why did you do that? now we are both stuck in this hole." Tony replies, "I know, but I've been down here before and I know the way out!"

Why Join a Men's Group?

2007-09-17T05:22:00.000-04:00

Why Join A Mens Group?

Why join a men's group?

80% of those who have serious drug addictions are men.

80% of the homeless on American streets are men.

Men are 43 times more likely than women to be admitted to psychiatric hospitals and 25 times as likely to end up in prison.

80% of suicide deaths are men.

Life expectancy for men is 7 years less than for women. Men have higher death rates in the 15 leading causes of death.

Why are men so much more at risk than women?

While women already have an average of six close friends for social support, men average only one, who is usually his partner. Without social support both genders are at three to five times greater risk of premature death and disease from all causes.

How can the East Bay Men's Network (or another men's organization) help?

First, we provide a safe space. Members need to trust each other to disclose vulnerable feelings rather than report superficial activities. With the case of EBMN or an umbrella men's council, volunteer screeners ensure only appropriate members are placed in groups. If a man is in crises, domineering, demanding or needy we will refer him to professional psychotherapy.

What does it mean to share what's really going on? This is the expression of our basic feelings, happy, sad, angry and fearful. Some studies report that boys start out being more emotionally expressive than girls even at 6 months old. By age six, boys start shutting down due to conditioning by parents and society. We are discouraged to express vulnerable feelings. Emotionally gifted boys grow up into being emotionally stunted men. A men's group can encourage its members to re-learn the language of feelings, a vocabulary long since forgotten.

Second, members agree to maintain confidentiality. What comes up in the group stays there as sacred trust.

Third, we ask each member to make attendance a high priority. If a man shares a significant part of himself, those who don't show miss out.

Fourth, we make friends with each other by disclosing that which is valuable and precious. We reach out to each other between meetings by sharing a walk, a meal or a personal project. The, 2-3 hours we spend in group is more than most of us spend with other friends. For many our men's group forms the core of our personal friendship network.

Finally, we value and give credence to the human "being" rather than the human "doing". The worth of a man is more than his productivity and accomplishments. You will not see an annual job-performance evaluation here.

Thus, support groups give men the opportunity to safely share feelings, overcome isolation, build friendships and be "at home" with others. Take heed, having a good support system is critical to your well-being. It is just good medicine.

Mainely Men Weekend coming up . . .

2007-09-16T18:00:00.000-04:00

Mainely Men is a twice-yearly weekend conference in which men gather in a quiet, rustic lakeside settling in central Maine. Our next meeting is October 5th-8^th, 2007. Go to www.mainelymen.org for more information or to register.

Located in West Gardiner, Maine, ten miles southwest of Augusta, the lodge is located on the east shore of Lake Cobbosseecontee.

Men sleep in simple cabins with beds with a separate shower house and in a large central lodge.

During the weekend each man may develop new friendships, participate in a program or workshops related to men's issues, become involved in a talent show, relax, enjoy the woods and learn more about himself.

Mainely Men provides a comfortable environment in which men may examine traditional male roles, explore what it means to assume alternative roles. Workshops may focus on such issues as:

Improving relationships with fathers, sons, women, children, co-workers or partners
Developing intimacy and friendships with other men
Nurturing self and others in massage workshops crafts or dance
Enjoying spontaneous games or chats
Recognizing and reducing homophobia through gay-straight discussion
Coping with life challenges such as divorce, aging, loss
Learning how to be a better father to sons and daughters
Discovering mythic connections through rituals

Many workshops are just plain fun-designing, building, writing and painting. Even hiking the trails, going canoeing or playing volleyball. We have campfires and sweat lodges some sessions. We have many traditions such as opening circle and closing circle that are the common threads that bring all men together.
We provide an orientation to all new participants who are the lifeblood of the weekends. Mainely Men has sustained itself for two decades because it renews itself with transfusions of new members and keeps its continuity through the many men who return year after year.

Sheddies . . . .

2007-09-12T22:24:00.000-04:00

Sheddies

For years blokes worldwide seeking to escape nagging wifes and life's tribulations have hidden away in the solitary, cobwebbed gloom of their garden sheds. But over in Australia hobby handymen are flocking to take up tools at communal sheds across the country. What a great idea, and one that we should be adopting over here. Instead of pottering alone, men gather in groups, drilling and hammering while setting the world to rights over frequent mugs of tea. More than 200 such community sheds have sprung up over the past decade, and many more are planned. The 10,000-strong "men's shed movement" is one of the fastest-growing interest groups in the country, and officials are sitting up and taking notice. Not only do the sheds provide a practical community support network, they also give their users a potential health boost. The Sheddies, as they are known, are mainly older handymen, most of them retired and some widowed. For the men, tackling a spot of woodwork at a communal shed seems to lift their spirits and provides them with a new group of "mates." Saws, screwdrivers and drills hang along the walls, alongside try squares, trays of nails and an array of power tools. Its regular users make toys for hospitals, games for retirement homes and repair furniture for community groups. "The woodwork and other hobby's are the excuse, not the reason, why men come here," said one of the organisers "They come for companionship, even though they may not admit it. I have seen amazing changes in these blokes"Talking becomes easier." At the frequent brew times tools are downed and the men perch on stools to drink tea and talk. Half an hour later they are hard at work again, the sound of sawing punctuated by laughter. Barry Golding, a professor of education at Ballarat University in Victoria, who has completed the first comprehensive study of men's sheds, described it as the most exciting research he had undertaken. "It's a myth that men don't talk - they do if they are given the right opportunity," he said. "Sheds give men licence to celebrate being men and to be sensitive and supportive about each other. "If you put up a sign that says Men's Health Centre, men won't come. If you put up a sign that says Men's Learning Centre, men won't come. But if the sign says Men's Shed, then people will come. And that's when the magic begins."

John F Kennedy - famous quotes

2007-09-11T22:36:00.001-04:00

John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

Success and Failure

Politics, Government and Power

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, make violent revolution inevitable.

When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existance. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

The men who create power make an indispensable contribution to the Nation’s greatness, but the men who question power make a contribution just as indispensable, especially when that questioning is disinterested, for they determine whether we use power or power uses us.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

The ignorance of one voter in a democracy impairs the security of all.

Leadership

Courage and Fear

Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.

The Courage that we all prize and seek is not the courage to die decently, but to live manfully.

Truths, Ideas, Ideals to Live by

Conformity is the jailer of freedom, and the enemy of growth.

Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.

The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.

A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.

The greatest enemy of the truth is very often not the lie--deliberate, contrived, and dishonest, but the myth persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Belief in myths allows the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

Optimism and Pessimism

Mistakes, oversights, misfortune

Opinion

Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

Comebacks, Humor

The great French Marshall Lyautey once asked his gardener to plant a tree. The gardener objected that the tree was slow growing and would not reach maturity for 100 years. The Marshall replied, 'In that case, there is no time to lose; plant it this afternoon!'

...probably the greatest concentration of talent and genius in this house except for perhaps those times when Thomas Jefferson ate alone.

When I became President, what surprised me most was that things were just as bad as I'd been saying they were.

Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.

History

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.

Let the world go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans, born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage, and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today, at home and around the world!

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty.

All this will not be finished in the first 100 days. Nor will it be finished in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin.

I believe this nation should commit itself, to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth.

But peace does not rest in the charters and covenants alone. It lies in the hearts and minds of all people. So let us not rest all our hopes on parchment and on paper, let us strive to build peace, a desire for peace, a willingness to work for peace in the hearts and minds of all of our people. I believe that we can. I believe the problems of human destiny are not beyond the reach of human beings.

We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy - but because they are hard! Because that challenge is one we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone and one we intend to win!

We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people.

For in the final analysis, our most basic common link, is that we all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children's futures, and we are all mortal.

Perspective on Life

Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

We need men who can dream of things that never were.

We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch.

We stand for freedom. That is our conviction for ourselves; that is our only commitment to others.

Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.

There are risks and costs to a program of action. But they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.

Dreams

Rich, Poor, Generosity

If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.

The quality of American life must keep pace with the quantity of American goods. This country cannot afford to be materially rich and spiritually poor.

Education, personal development, personal responsibility

Our progress as a nation can be no swifter than our progress in education. The human mind is our fundamental resource.

Let us think of education as the means of developing our greatest abilities, because in each of us there is a private hope and dream which, fulfilled, can be translated into benefit for everyone and greater strength for our nation.

The American, by nature, is optimistic. He is experimental, an inventor and a builder who builds best when called upon to build greatly.

Liberty without learning is always in peril; learning without liberty is always in vain.

The ancient Greek definition of happiness was the full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.

Meeting of Maine Coast Men - Oct 12-14

2007-09-09T07:25:00.000-04:00

Meeting of Maine Coast Men - Oct 12-14, 2007 Lincolnville, ME

The Gathering

A typical weekend is very informal. MCM's is in a remote wooded area on a river with enclosed bunk houses and gathering rooms. It begins with a Friday night potluck and a voluntary "check in." Saturdays offer workshops which are conducted by other members who volunteer. In the past their have been workshops about anger, living single, relationships with fathers and sons, spirituality, co dependency, homophobia, racism, singing, and so on. No one has to attend anything but usually over the weekend those who gather engage with each other and feel support and comradeship.

Saturday night is a "variety" show with stories, music, singing, and improvising. Sunday Brunch is followed by a group picture, a chance to plan for the next Gathering, and a closing circle.
Most guys are amazed at the energy that comes from the weekend and take that with them to their everyday world, renewed and often more interested in building community back home.

To Join InThe registration form The registration form can be downloaded and sent to the registrar, MCM Wellman P O Box 673 Westminster, Mass. 01473-0673. The fee is on a sliding scale and can include scholarships. Interested men can also E-Mail for materials to be mailed to them.

Poem - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

2007-09-05T06:59:00.000-04:00

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living

I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart's longing

It doesn't interest me how old you are

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,

for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,

if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled

and closed from fear of further pain

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own

without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it

I want to know of you can be with JOY, mine and your own

if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips

of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful... be realistic...or

to remember the limitations of being a human

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself

if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day

and if you can source your life from ITS presence

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand

on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES !"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you

have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,

weary and bruised to the bone...and do what needs to be done for the children

It doesn't interest me who you are...how you came to be here

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

Indian Elder MAY 1994.

Words to live by

2007-09-02T21:39:00.000-04:00

My Father

“The image of my father floats like a spectre before me as I try to form my thoughts about manhood. I see him as he is now – a shell of a man, lost in private memories, spending his days idly flicking a television from channel to channel in hopes of finding something to occupy his time. I see him as he is, but I remember him as he was….”

My Father

“With each passing day I realize more how much he lives within me, and how great a shadow he casts over my life. It is the same for all men. None of us can escape this shadow of the father, even if that shadow fills us with fear, even if it has no name or face. To be worthy of that man, to prove something to that man, to exocise the memory of that man from every corner of our life – however it affects us, the shadow of that man cannot be denied.”

My Father

“To become a father is to understand that power of that shadow from the other side. You realize that the touches you make upon your son will shape him, for better or worse, for his entire life.”

Being a Man and Male

… Being a man is something different. It is taking these male traits and forming them into a life that meets the demands of the world around you while serving the needs of others. It is action in service of a dream…

Being a Man and Male

“You were born into a different world that will present you with different gifts and challenges. A new vision of manhood will be called for that does not tie so closely into the more aggressive and competitive residues of our male character. You will need to search out new ways of expressing strength, showing mastery, and exhibiting courage – ways that do not depend upon confronting the world before you as an adversary.”

Being a Man and Male

“… when maleness operates untempered with moral value, it visits damage upon the earth.”

Being a Man and Male

“Being male is not enough; being a man is a right to be earned and an honor to be cherished.”

Being a Man and Male

“… the formation of your manhood must be a conscious act governed by the highest vision of the man you want to be.”

Being a Man and Male

“Most of all, do not fall prey to the false belief that mastery and domination are synonymous with manliness.”

Being a Man and Male

“Measure your greatness by the length of your reach, but also by the gentleness of your touch.”

Strength

“For ages we have lived with this biological imperative by which manhood has been defined as strength to master others, strength to master our emotions, strength to master the world around us.”

“The world doesn’t need this version of strength anymore. We are not locked in some physics of survival where we must turn force against counterforce in an elemental battle to see who will prevail. We need greatness of spirit more than we need greatness of physical strength.”

Strength

“But there is much more to strength than overcoming fear.”

“Martin Luther may have put it most succinctly when he stood up for his vision of God. ‘Here I stand,’ he said, ‘I cannot do otherwise.’

Strength

“Try to find this strength in yourself. It lies far below anger and righteousness and any impulse toward physical domination. It lies in a place where your heart is at peace.”

Strength

“Remember the words of Tao te Ching. ‘The only true strength is a strength that people do not fear.’ Strength based in force is strength people fear. Strength based in love is a strength people crave.”

Work

“Your work makes you who you are, because it is where you put your time.”

“We are what we do, and the more we do it, the more we become it.”

Work

“So a true vocation calls to you to perform it and it allows your life to speak.”

Work

“But now amount of security is worth the suffering of a life lived chained to a routine that has killed all your dreams.”

Money

“Yet money is not of central importance. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the lasting values that make life worth living.”

Money

“Knowing how to be poor means developing an unerring instinct for the difference between what is essential and what is only desirable. It means knowing how to take control of your life – how to repair and maintain the things around you, how to purchase wisely and well, how not to purchase at all when you do not have the means to do so, how to take joy in the simple pleasures in life.”

money means the loss of who they are. If you learn to accept poverty when it comes, it will make you clearer and stronger and more self-reliant. It will make you more appreciative of the simple gifts of life and will keep this appreciation close to the center of your heart. But you must learn to live by its rules. You must learn to embrace the life of limitations that it forces upon you.”

Tragedy And Suffering

You must embrace them and realize that they too, are a gift of life because they take you out of yourself and, for a moment, make you one with all others who have known loss or pain or suffering. The great lesson of suffering comes from the fact that it is so much greater than the confines in which we live our daily lives.”

“When we finally reclaim ourselves, as we ultimately do, we are changed. We have been dropped into chaos and nothing is as it was.”

Tragedy And Suffering

“Those who insulate themselves from further pain miss a great opportunity. They miss the chance to use their pain to grow outside themselves and recognize something greater and shared in our human experience.”

“Whatever it is, it is your measure, and you need to look upon it as a gift to help you reclaim what is important in your life.”

Tragedy And Suffering

“The question you must ask yourself is not if you will heal, but how you will heal. Grief and pain have their own duration, but when they begin to pass, you must take care to guide the shape of the new being you are to become.”

Loneliness And Solitude

Time spent alone returns to you a hundredfold, because it is the proving ground of the spirit.”

“Most people fear being alone because they understand only loneliness. They feel that unless the world presents them with a mirror in the form of another person responding to them, they are close to annihilation.”

“Solitude is a place you reach, not a decision you make.”

Fatherhood

“ So move cautiously toward fatherhood. It is much easier to become a father than to be one. When you become a father your whole life suddenly becomes measured against your vision of what good fatherhood should be.”

Fatherhood

“So look upon fatherhood as a gift. It is one of life’s common miracles, available to everyone and given freely to us all. A child, whether healthy or ill, misshapen or beautiful, opens the world into a new sunlight. It is an experience greater than a dream.”

The Burden Of Age

“They [elderly people] are a weight and an encumbrance and a mirror of our own mortality. It takes a person of great heart to see past this fact and to see the wisdom the elders have to offer, and to serve them out of gratitude for the life they have passed on to us.”

“But no matter how they make you feel, you should always watch them carefully. They were you and you will be them. You carry the seeds of your old age in you at this very moment, and they hear the echoes of their childhood each time they see you.”

…”they very often fear their own loss of importance. They face the uncertainty of death and are often embittered that the world they worked so hard to create is being discarded by the generations now in power. Their bodies are giving out on them. They increasingly find themselves surrounded only by people their own age, because they know that the young would rather be apart from them. They often live in memories.”

The Burden of Age

“You must remember this: even in their infirmity, elders seek and value their dignity. What they want, above all else, is to feel that their lives are valued, and that their time on earth has not been wasted.”

Masculinity

Norman Mailer, in Christians and Cannibals, made a similar observation: "Masculinity is not something given to you, something you're born with, but something you gain. And you gain it by winning small battles with honor."

Giving

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. (Winston Churchill)

Optimism – Pessimism (Winston Churchill)

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.

Mistakes (Winston Churchill)

If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing badly.

You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also fierce you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her. She was meant to be wooed and won by youth

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

Giving up…. (Winston Churchill)

Here is the answer which I will give to President Roosevelt... We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire. Neither the sudden shock of battle nor the long-drawn trials of vigilance and exertion will wear us down. Give us the tools and we will finish the job.

Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.

Success (Winston Churchill)

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

Winston Churchill (Misc)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents

The price of greatness is responsibility.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Courage (Winston Churchill)

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak.

Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.

Winston Churchill

This truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it; ignorance may deride it; malice may distort it; but there it is.

Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.

Seneca

There is nothing in the world so much admired

as a man who knows how to bear unhappiness with courage.

Robert Frost

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Charles Darwin

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent; it is the one that is most adaptable to change.

Harry Truman

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Doing what is right . . .

Cowardice asks the question - is it safe?

Expediency asks the question - is it politic?

Vanity asks the question - is it popular?

But conscience asks the question - is it right?

And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular; but one must take it because it is right.

Martin Luther King

Courage

Courage is the power of the mind to overcome fear.

Martin Luther King

Ultimate measure of a man

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Martin Luther King

Principles

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. Martin Luther King

The measure of a man

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

If a man hasn't discovered something that he would die for, he isn't fit to live.

Martin Luther King

Enemies

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

John F. Kennedy

Fear

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.

First of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Future

We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Albert Einstein . . .

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.

Love is a better teacher than duty.

It is only to the individual that a soul is given.

My sermon on Restarting Fatherhood . . . .

2007-08-28T21:17:00.000-04:00

2007 UUMen Sermon Award Winner

Restarting Fatherhood, My Up-Down Solution

by Frank Mundo

Reading ….

From Forgiving your Father for Fathers Day, By Mark Brandenburg:

The memory of my father stays with me like a shadow.

It’s a shadow filled with a complex array of gratitude, sadness, disappointment, and awe. It is the same for all men, for there’s no escaping these memories. They are deeply imbedded in us, and they impact us every day of our lives.

And whether you’re trying to live up to your father’s expectations, prove him wrong, or rid your memory of him, the shadow of your father will remain. Each effort demands its’ own cost. And each effort will keep the shadow close to you.

When you have children, the memories of your father grow stronger. The wounds that haven’t healed are poised to be inflicted on them. We all carry wounds from our father. We all feel the pain of not “measuring up” in some way. But whatever your wounds, it’s important to remember this: What is not healed in you will show up in your children. It will show up no matter how hard you fight against it, and no matter how hard you try “not to be your father.” It will show up, and transcend all your efforts to prevent it.

What’s left to us is a simple choice. Would we like to live with these wounds, and transfer them to our sons and daughters, or would we like to explore them, and find a way to heal them? To be an effective father is to understand the power of the memories you make with your child each day. These memories can be touched by the wounds from your childhood, or they can be touched by forgiveness and love. And while the path to forgiveness can be difficult, it’s worth every ounce of effort you give it. And most importantly, it is a gift to your children, and the generations that follow them. (1)

* * * *

Let me start with a short piece written by Ken Druck, author of The Secrets Men Keep:

“When my Uncle Nathan was 70, he visited his father’s grave tucked away in a corner of a cemetery in the Bronx. He stood there facing the headstone, the November wind ruffling his silver hair. Suddenly, his body started shaking. Tears streaked his face. “Dad, you never even put your arms around me,” he sobbed, spilling out a secret grief that he had carried around with him all these years. “You never touched me. You never hugged me. Where were you when I needed you?

It may surprise us to know that the most powerful common denominator influencing men’s lives today is the relationship we had with our fathers. The events and circumstances may have taken place years, even decades, ago. They may appear irrelevant to our lives in the present. But if we look beyond the surface, we will discover, as my Uncle Nathan did, that Dad is still very much with us today. Much of our behavior and many of our attitudes toward living can be traced to our fathers. Whether our dad was physically or psychologically absent, whether he died when we were young or is still alive at a ripe old age, whether we consider him a good father or a poor one, our fathers are in us. Every man hears the silent voice of his father inside his own head.

One of the most important clues to discovering who we really are lies in knowing who we were in relation to our fathers. One of the best-kept secrets for many men is the extent to which they allow themselves to be tied to their fathers, dead or alive.

…… our stories uncover a deep yearning for Father’s love and acceptance.

And some, like my Uncle Nathan, will journey to their own graves with that secret longing unsatisfied…”(2)

How do we mend ourselves with our fathers… and mend our sons and daughters with ourselves?

What about my father?

My father was a physicist. During WWII he was swept off a Radar Mast of an American Destroyer in mid Atlantic and was lucky enough to be plucked out of the sea by a sailor tied by a lifeline to a following British Destroyer. Later my father participated in the war by getting American planes filled with bombs into the air and then bailing out so they could flown by radio control to Germany to blow up submarines in their bunkers. Joe Kennedy was in my father’s group. He didn’t make it out of his plane. There is my awe.

During my younger years my father designed guidance systems for Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles. In his work he was rarely home. But he provided for us, we had what we needed but rarely saw him…. with his travels, working late at night and on weekends. We never wanted for anything… in a material sense. There is my gratitude.

He was never there at any significant event in my life that I can remember… he was somewhat like the Lone Ranger… always riding in and out of town. Like many men of his generation… “he wanted to raise us but [it seemed] he didn’t want to know us.” There is my sadness and my disappointment.

I never understood my father’s work. I was never introduced to it. I feared it. Would I be lost at sea… or disappear from my family when I became a man, and began to work?

I recall the cold shock of horror I received… like nothing I had ever felt before… when, as a child I saw the movie, Moby Dick. You will recall from that story… that Captain Ahab had a fury and an obsession with catching the White Whale… Moby Dick… the whale that had bitten off one of his legs. He pursued the whale relentlessly across several oceans and finally, when he did come upon the whale at last he jumped into a whaleboat and harpooned the whale. As the harpoon rope raced out he got caught in the rope and was pulled over the side. The next scene – and the one that struck horror in my heart… was the shot of Captain Ahab’s body, lashed to the side of the whale as it surfaced and then sank under the waves.. Ahab’s lifeless arm swinging back and forth. A “symbolic” last farewell….

For years I had thought that the horror I experienced in that movie – and it was truly visceral - was based on an unconscious recognition of the consequences of uncontrolled anger. However, in preparing this sermon I have come to an entirely different awareness. Ahab was very likely my father ... and his predicament … one that lay in wait for me were I to become passionately committed to work.

What was it that I expected to get from my father that I didn’t get? Was it hugs? Was it his presence at my games and plays or recognition of me as a person? Edward Frost puts this question felt by so many men… better than I…..

“What is it about fathers that has them brought so often and kept so late in the court of their children’s judgment? … What is it about the task of fathering so many fumble with and finally put aside?(3)”

When I became a father I promised myself to be more involved with my children... and for a time, it worked. I raced to daycare. I took time off for birthday parties. I went to school events and games. I sat in bed with my youngest son and read him stories. We had a favorite book on dogs. All kinds of dogs. He could recognize and name them all.

I must tell you about one of those “moments” that a parent has, which will always bring a smile to my lips. We were in the park, and I was pushing my son along in his stroller. A middle-aged lady came along with a small dog on a leash. Seeing Frank Jr. she knelt down, scooped up her dog and presented it him. “See, she said, “…doggie”. My son gently patted the dog on the head, then looked the lady square in the eye and uttered a single word. “Chihuahua.”

My other son… I used to put him in a waste basket and fly him around the house – he holding on to the edge for dear life… and I… well making airplane noises while we buzzed by wing chairs and over ottomans. Cherished memories…

As my children grew older, I grew less and less able to be a part of their lives. Divorce was part of the equation. But an equally large part is that I never had had any experiences of son-to-father. I didn’t really know how to relate. I didn’t know how to be involved… and perhaps worse yet…. I didn’t sense the loss of what I really didn’t have before… from the son side of the equation. Indeed it wasn’t until I arrived at being older that I was suddenly struck with the profound sense of loss of shared experiences … experiences that never were and which will never be.

Thinking again about my father…. and what I had missed…. I recalled an Edward Frost sermon. I wrote to him for the text…

What did I expect from my father, I wonder? What was it I so desperately needed, after it was too late, after he could no longer give it? Robert Bly… said what boys and young men need from older men is blessing -- because too few are blessed by their fathers. Blessing is the bestowal of approval and encouragement. "Blessing," says Webster’s Dictionary, "is a thing conducive to happiness and welfare." And without the blessing of the father all else, it seems, fails to be conducive to happiness or welfare.

For some of us, it seems, without the father’s blessing, his approval and encouragement, nothing fully satisfies. Always there is the rising urge to take the small or large success and burst with it through memory’s door shouting, "Hey, Dad, guess what?" And if he is not home, or occupied with his failings, or deep in his despair, his hopeless anger, his envy of his children, where, then, shall we go for blessing? (3).

I came to realize I had stumbled on the source of the profound sense of loss and sadness I had in my life. I wondered if other men felt it. I sought out their counsel, their wisdom and, finding many with similar backgrounds and stories, experienced their grief. Out of that I came to realize that fathering is an inter-generational thing. It doesn’t get fixed so easily in a single generation. What is needed is what I came to call an “Up-Down Solution.”

The “Up” part is fixing yourself and your relationship with your own father …with forgiveness. Returning to thoughts of Mark Brandenburg, who wrote the words of our reading this morning….

Forgiveness can be a powerful and transforming experience. It is a way of giving up hope that the past can be changed. When you forgive your father, you accept the past as it was, and ready yourself to move forward. No matter how abusive or absent your father was, you accept what happened, and stop blaming your father for your current problems.

Forgiveness is not a one-time event. It happens emotionally when we feel the pain and sadness from letting go of a better past, and what we might have had. It happens when we stop blaming our fathers, and stop using anger to shield us from our sadness.

Forgiveness happens in our thoughts when we see our fathers for who they were, and not for whom we wanted them to be. It happens when we end the illusion of the selfless father, who looks after our needs first and foremost.

Forgiveness is complete when we allow it to unfold. It is a process, and it may take years. But as each layer of anger peels away, your opportunities expand. The energy that was devoted to anger and regret can now be devoted to things that matter: passion, truth, and love…[ and being a better father]. (1)

The other part of forgiveness is to try to forgive yourself. To help with this I would offer you a poem written by David Ray. It’s called "Thanks, Robert Frost."

Do you have hope for the future?
Someone asked Robert Frost, toward the end.

Yes, and even for the past, he replied,
that it will turn out to have been all right for what it was.

Something we can accept,
mistakes made by the selves we had to be,
not able to be, perhaps, what we wished,
or what looking back half the time
it seems we could so easily have been, or ought...

The future, yes, and even for the past,
that it will become something we can bear.
And I too, and my children, so I hope…
will recall as not too heavy the tug of those albatrosses
I sadly placed upon their tender necks.

Hope for the past, yes, old Frost,
your words provide that courage
and it brings strange peace that itself passes into past,
easier to bear because you said it, rather casually,
as snow went on falling in Vermont years ago.

The “Down” part of the solution is to bless your children. It could be as simple as a phone call this afternoon. Call your children and tell them how much their life has meant to you and that you are proud of them. Recognize and honor the choices they have made if you can. If you can only acknowledge their choices, do that and speak to them of how their “being” has added to your life.

Speak to them of the time they were in the stroller and knocked some lady on her keister with their juvenile brilliance.

It is quite likely, when you’re pushing up daisies, they’ll remember your phone call. Maybe even make one of their own….

* * * *

(1) Mark Brandenburg, Forgiving your Father for Fathers Day

(2) Ken Druck, The Secrets Men Keep

(3) Edward Frost, sermon: Life with Father

Men's Network Male Involvement in Church

2007-08-27T19:31:00.000-04:00

UU Men's Network – UU Church, Male involvement

Are we losing our men, and if so, why? Church after church reports that roughly two thirds of new members are women, and nominating committees report that men are more difficult to drag on into serving positions of leadership. More men fail to serve out their terms of service, for whatever reason, and men report, often sheepishly and occasionally with surprise, that they're feeling excluded from decision making and the object of "politically incorrect" gender bashing. A panel of UUMeN members and one woman minister gathered to discuss the causes and solutions to these problems. Jaco ten Hove of UUMeN moderated a panel consisting of Dick Michaels, Abhi Janamanchi, Carol Rosine, and Tom Owen-Towle.

Dick Michaels asked, "In a world when the role of men is changing and in many ways being devalued, what is the role for men? The dilemma for men is particularly poignant. Men tend to disengage, and so our congregations become less and less male." He then wondered whether our problem resides in our inability to frame our existential questions in terms of anything but disengagement or the "competitive society."

Abhi Janamanchi, the minister of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Sarasota, reported that in his church, two thirds of new members are women, and there are more women than men in leadership positions. His nominating committees report more difficulty getting men to volunteer than women and that they tended to resign prematurely. Many of the men stated they had held leadership positions all their lives and just wanted to be and come to church and "help out" now they are retired. Still, Janamanchi wondered if the reasons were deeper. In another church men reported feeling excluded and solutions they presented were characterized as "Oh, that's typically male!" Perhaps we have redefined who we are to eliminate patriarchy. Our test is the number of women, but we have not redefined that space to honor men.

Carol Rosine is minister of First Universalist of Franklin, MA, which grew from 20 over 400 members under her leadership. She reported that men had been watching the women who were deeply and enthusiastically involved in "Cakes for the Queen of Heaven" and other feminist programs. The men wondered if women were more emotional or spiritual than men, but finally decided that it was up to them to find their authentic voices. Rosine, though a feminist, knew she had to minister to both men and women, but she was puzzle how to reach them. The men's group experienced several false starts and usually fizzled out after a few months. The key event was that "Men With Tool Belts" rebuilt a house on property the church owned, and this experience was the basis of a renewed and finally successful group. Finally, she began to meet with them for two hours a meeting. They began by talking to her about what was it like to grow up as a boy, what they worried about and other issues that generally are taboo among men. The men in the Franklin congregation wanted her to know there are different sides to being a man. There is a playful side involving sports and competition and "potato cannons." There also is a side that longs for relationship and to nurture and be nurtured. In most places in their lives it is safer to keep a lid on their emotions and not to make themselves vulnerable. In the process of talking to her, they began to talk to each other and discovered the church is a safe place to expose their longings and vulnerabilities. They also learned the importance men play in the lives of boys and in their becoming men. They found a way to achieve all these goals in a satisfying and meaningful way that did not challenge their images of themselves as men.

Tom Owen-Towle, the outgoing president of UUMeN, is co-minister of the First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Diego, CA and a long-term leader of the men's movement in Unitarian Universalism. He said the future needs to be different from the past. He sees the challenge as needing to create a culture that is male enhancing and affirms masculine energy and gifts, but that does not accept that dominance at the expense of others is a necessary part of maleness or of masculinity. He also stated that no man or boy should have to look outside of his own church to find support.

In the audience participation, some disagreement emerged, particularly with the role of feminism in UUMeN, but there was general agreement that men were not entirely pleased with the new world. One participant saw that "matriarchy" was generally viewed as always positive and nurturing, while "patriarchy" generally was viewed as negative and isolating. Another reported that he didn't view all men as potential rapists. One man emphasized that most sexual violence actually occurred in prisons and was against other men. Others agreed that perhaps men felt a sense of loss, since they were having to move back from the table to make room for women, but that women were experiencing exhilaration in finding full humanity.

From the animated looks on the faces of the participants, and from the continuing knots of men talking as they departed the room, they enjoyed the discussions.

Reported for the Web by Bob Hurst

Oh Brother Where Art Thou ?

2007-08-26T07:37:00.000-04:00

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

An essay by the Reverend Kenneth S. Beldon

Published in the Fall, 2001 issue of

UU Voice, An Independent Journal of News and Opinion

The scene is by now familiar to me, although, even in the midst of joy, it is somewhat dispiriting. Another new member Sunday: our membership book is opened once more to receive the signatures of the new people who desire to join our liberal religious community. The names of the new members are read aloud. They come forward to the front of our sanctuary to sign their names and to receive a flower and a packet containing introductory information about our congregation. They are welcomed by both myself and representatives of the Board. After each person signs the book, they remain standing near the pulpit with the other new members. When all the names have been read, the congregation stands and reads together a covenant of welcome and affirmation to the new folks. The assembled worshippers applaud, and then, the ritual concluded, everyone takes their seats.

Glad tidings and good feelings abound on the day that we welcome newcomers to our congregation. We all partake in the excitement that comes from knowing that our faith is being shared among a greater number of souls. And yet, I can’t help feeling that there’s a pattern emerging during the several years that our new congregation has been welcoming new members: a subtle indication that our liberal religious community may not be reaching a group of people in need of the liberating message that Unitarian Universalism has to offer. When I look at our membership roster, when I try and track attendance and participation in our congregation, I arrive at this question: Where, I wonder, are all the men?

The relative scarcity of men in my congregation is evident not only on Sunday morning. It can be perceived when our committees gather, when religious education classes meet, when social events bring us together simply for the sake of shared time. When I examined the visitor’s book for the last six months, women outnumbered men by a substantial margin. The concern for gender equity is preeminent when our nominating committee considers names for Board positions: are there enough men willing to serve so that there might be equal numbers of male and female?

Such issues are not limited to my congregation alone. A panel discussion at the General Assembly just passed in Cleveland wondered aloud about the status of men within our religious movement by asking the question, "Is There a Future for Men in Unitarian Universalism?" It was reported that nearly two thirds of new members in many of our congregations are women, and that congregations are often hard pressed in finding men to serve in positions of leadership. We also know that a clear majority of the people now informational and seminary training for the ministry are women. Over half the ministers in our denomination are women. Women, it seems, are stepping up to the call to service in our congregations, while men, it appears, are stepping out. To say it plainly: we don’t need fewer women, we do need more men.

The various feminist and women’s rights movements in the history of our country have affected our association more profoundly than any other American denomination. This ought to be a cause for unequivocal celebration for men, not just for women. It would be an overstatement to say that there are as many varieties of feminism as there are women, but feminism cannot be seen as monolith, asserting only one ideology or view about the status of women. There are certainly varieties of feminist thought that diminish, if not demean, the experience of men, and doubtless some of these ideas are found in our churches, operating in such a way to make some men feel unwelcome and unwanted. But, as a man and a minister I can say that I have found male bashing to be extremely rare and it is usually bound up with other issues regarding the use and abuse of power within our congregations.

The practical commitment to feminism I’ve most often witnessed in our churches is similar to how my ethics professor, a Catholic Sister of Mercy, in divinity school defined the word. She said that feminism was a belief in equality and mutuality between the sexes grounded primarily, but not exclusively, in women’s experiences and was also committed to the flourishing of all human beings. The concern for the flourishing, the full development of the potentiality in all our lives, male and female, can be said to be rightfully the aim and goal of our liberal religious movement. At their best, our congregations aid in the cultivation of our gifts, our strengths, our healing, and our ministries. With its concern for wholeness and a commitment to standing against all those elements in our common existence that inhibit and destroy the fullness of lives, feminism provides us a vision of our communities as places wherein lives are transformed. Such a promise is not limited to women, but exists as a challenge to men to find fullness in our lives as well. Such an opportunity may be daunting to many men who are used to patterns of relationship that are circumscribed within the set patterns of "male experience." I fear that the men most in need of healing and supportive community in our congregations are the ones least able to communicate their needs about how congregational life can be relevant to their lives.

In the first year of my ministry, there was a young couple in the congregation that has since left the church. They were having financial difficulties, problems with chemical dependencies. Their marriage was failing and they would be splitting up in the near future and leaving the area, going their separate ways. I knew all this from the woman in the relationship. We talked regularly as she made her plans to leave. Although she knew that what she wanted was to get out, she also worried about her estranged husband, his lack of community, and social isolation. I resisted calling him for some time, figuring that he would call me when he was ready. Finally, just a few days before he was to leave town, I contacted him, and we met that afternoon.

When he arrived at my office, he was clearly on edge. His self-esteem was shaken. When he spoke he rarely looked at me, his eyes rimmed with the redness that came from consistent tears. He shared his story, punctuated with sobs. As I listened I realized that he and I shared some commonalities.

We were both the same age and both went to established northeastern prep schools, separated by less than a hundred miles. He was clearly a jock in high school, the kind of fellow student around whom I felt nakedly inferior, covetous of what I believed to be his self confidence, contemptuous of the apparent ease with which he roamed the campus and commanded attention while I nervously attempted not to be noticed.

Yet, here he was, barely a decade after prep school, weeping in my office about his failed career, poor financial choices, and his inability to save his marriage. He was no longer the young man whom I would have so arrogantly and enviously judged in high school. He was now just a broken man, shuffling about in the shattered pieces of his life. On the other hand, the woman, now his ex-wife, was able to reach out to me, to other people in the church, able to speak of her pain and also to start to plan her life as it would be after they split. He left town, his pain barely known to anyone in the congregation and barely communicated to me. I think of him often. I wonder what more the congregation could have offered him. I know that I could have offered him more of my time, more of my presence, but instead assumed he would take the initiative if he wanted to talk. How easily I fell into a conditioned response to engage in an emotional laissez faire. Our nascent men’s group was not in existence at that time. In his silence, he suffered alone.

The social critic Stanley Aronowitz has written: "One point to be made is the extent to which men become victims of the emotional plague of always having to be in control; how much we are deprived of genuine recognition not only by our mates, but also by our children. Male power comes at the price of emotional isolation."

Aronowitz’s message is that traditional ideas about masculinity construct the need for power and control over one’s life and emotions by restraining the need for being close to others. Being in true relationship with another person, or to ourselves, means that we must be willing to risk, to let our guard down and venture into emotional or relational terrain where asserting unilateral control can only be a bar to authentic self realization or disclosure. Under traditionally masculine terms, the extent to which one is vulnerable is seen as an index of inauthentic male experience. Because of this, many men, especially straight men, avoid being vulnerable, as we are not often rewarded and more than infrequently chided for such behavior. The primary male virtue has been traditionally regarded as strength, albeit an emotionally truncated, self-sufficient one, and the primary male vice has been perceived weakness or being "soft".

Although the incident occurred nearly three decades ago, we can remember Edmund Muskie crying on the campaign trail in 1972 as an example of a man who very publicly transgressed the norms of supposed real manhood. His perceived sin was that he sought psychological counseling. In both seeking support and then in his reaction to its being made public, Muskie violated two of the key rules without which traditional conceptions of masculinity stand: not being self sufficient enough to solve his problems on his own and then expressing his pain in plain sight through his tears because, of course, boys (and by extension, men) do not cry. But, of course, boys and men do cry and the question is whether our congregations are safe places for men to express the whole of themselves and the holes within themselves.

However we define that overused word, spirituality, it consists in part of our response to this question: how do we live in the presence of the unbidden in our lives, the grace or the sorrow that visits us not through the mechanism of our control or our strivings, but simply through our being alive? As our congregations become places where not only reason and rationality are enshrined as our birthright, men, who are more conditioned to focus on what we can control, are often left behind. We need a language of male relationship to self and other that speaks of our ability to receive from life, and from each other, without it be construed, or felt, as weakness or passivity.

Even as some aspects of patriarchy are no longer as powerful in our society, the cultural attitudes of many men still retain some of the traditional, sexist ideas concerning the proper role of men in relation to women, other men, and their own selves. Within the past decade we have seen religiously affiliated mass mobilizations of men in the form of the Promise Keepers and the Nation of Islam’s Million Man March. Whatever the important differences between these groups are, their affinities are telling. With both groups the rhetoric of male responsibility is established as part of a response to what Barbara Ehrenreich calls the male "flight from women." To counter this flight, (which is perceived as a double departure from the traditional male roles of protector and provider), the man is urged to atone, (re)assume the role of the head of the household, and return to his position as guarantor of the well being of his "dependents."

Such language is highly problematic when examined from a perspective that seeks to posit equality and mutuality as the ideal in gender and sexual relations. Not only is such language deeply homophobic, for it presupposes heterosexuality as the absolute norm, but it assumes that male supremacy and a hierarchical ordering of gender relations are natural and inextricably embedded in nature or God’s law. In the view of such traditionalists, men are not so much estranged from women as they are from their realization of the (divinely ordained) law. In this view, straight men occupy the top human rung of the great chain of being. Such was the language affirmed by the Southern Baptist Convention a few years back, when it called for wives to submit gracefully to their husbands.

Our Unitarian Universalist tradition calls men into a much more nuanced conversation about the meaning of being a man: one that wants to celebrate and affirm the varieties of men’s experiences while also insisting that such valuing occur in the context of religious community that refuses to privilege male lives over female lives. Being a man in this environment is not always easy. Especially for men of a certain age or generation, men who may not have been raised by feminist moms or in homes where power and decision making was shared equally between the sexes, or who have worked in environments where men did one type of work and women another type, such men have seen many of the changes in broader society reflected, often more intensely, in the life of our churches.

In response, some men have retreated from the lives of their churches out of the misguided, but understandable, notion that the only way to share power with women was to hands over the reigns and step out of the way. While perhaps motivated by a desire not to impede progress, such steps can also be a simultaneously retreat from church life, a belief that "it’s not really my church". Acts motivated by such thinking can only mean that there are more men who are less personally invested in the lives of their churches, giving less to them and getting far less from them. We are called to engage in the life our churches, even when we might be challenged, rather than slip quietly away from them.

There are other men who, seeing the various ways in which women’s history and identity is celebrated in our congregations, feel as if they are being left out and desire men’s experience to receive the same sort of validation. As I overhead a man once say at a UU conference, "If there’s a women’s history month, shouldn’t we have a men’s history month as well?" While such questions seem to aim at equality in form, they elide the very real history of male power and privilege, both in the religious and secular worlds. As UU men we need to be honest about the inequalities that are a part of our common inheritance and recognize the corrective differences that are undertaken to uncover and uplift aspects of our heritage that misogyny and sexism derided or helped to render invisible. The time when men’s experiences were taken to be normative for all is a world well lost. We are called to a prophetic, not a reactionary, masculinity that does not begrudge women when their voices are sometimes heard louder than our own. We have more important work to do than feeling as if we are in constant competition to get our message, the value of our own lives, out there.

When I picture what men need more than anything else in our congregational life, I think of an exercise that some of our congregations use to help in the process of discerning individual gifts and ministries. A box is divided into four quadrants, on the vertical axis lies these words, one written on top of the other: like/don’t like; on the horizontal axis lies these words: one written next to the other: good at/not good at. A person fills them in according to which box dictates which combination. With the idea that we all bring gifts to our religious communities, and also aspects of ourselves that we would like to have augmented, the boxes are a diagnostic tool. Often the most important box for people is the one that combines those skills that a person likes with the self perception that greater proficiency is desired in those areas. If what lies in there for many men is a greater need for self-revelation and authentic relationship with ourselves and others, then this box holds the beginnings of the map to wholeness. Only by being fully present to ourselves, even in understanding that what and who we love is often not within our control, then we might come to find ourselves and begin to make a home in our houses of worship.

Edward Frost's reaction to IF poem ....

2007-08-20T19:40:00.000-04:00

What do I find frightening about Kipling’s poem? Well, I remember one of my psychology professors, talking about all these "ifs" for becoming a man and saying, "Your work, ladies and gentlemen, is to be done among those who whisper to themselves, 'But what if I can’t?'"

Kipling’s man was the idealized Victorian model. He was epitomized by the British Officer, ramrod straight on his white horse, buttoned up to his beard in a wool uniform in the middle of the desert prepared to show those ragged beggars screaming before him how an Englishman dies. "Mad dogs and Englishmen," wrote Noel Coward, "go out in the noonday sun." If, by some chance, this quintessential male did not die out there buttoned up with his boots on, he went home to teach his children how to be just like him -- endeavoring not to get too close to them in the process. His children, like those ragged beggars out there, were in need of being civilized.

Obviously, most of our fathers and most of us have not come home fresh from gifting the world with civilization at the point of our ceremonial swords. But what all that really boils down to is -- Success. It is impressed upon the male -- which is what fathers are made of -- that, whether they live in the age of Hannibal or Hank, they must, above all, be successful. And they must be successful at everything from running companies, preaching sermons, playing basketball in the driveway, earning a living, staying alive, and obviously, above all, not failing. For some men, successfully cutting in line at the exit is about the only hope for self-esteem they’ll have today. I contend that that’s a lot to handle and that, for most fathers, it doesn’t leave much left over for blessing our children, for being a successful father, or for even being conscious of what that might mean.

IF ... a poem by Rudyard Kipling

2007-08-18T13:22:00.000-04:00

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard KiplingKipling wrote If with Dr Leander Starr Jameson in mind. In 1895, Jameson
led about 500 of his countrymen in a failed raid against the Boers, in southern Africa. What became known as the Jameson Raid was later cited as a major factor in bringing about the Boer War of 1899 to 1902. But the story as recounted in Britain was quite different. The British defeat was interpreted as a victory and Jameson portrayed as a daring hero.