What Do Men Need?

A Hierarchy of Needs

Fifty years ago the psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote about the Hierarchy of Needs. According to Maslow, people have some needs that basically must be fulfilled in a particular order. Starting at the top, they are:

Self-transcendence
Self-actualization
Esteem
Belonging
Safety
Physiological

Although not every need at one level must be fully met before a person can aspire to the next level, the general outline rings true. Under physiological, for instance, we need air, water, food, and shelter (among other things). If we can't breathe, it doesn't matter if we're thirsty or starving or if we have no roof over our heads. And until those needs are met, we're not likely to worry too much about establishing some protection from saber-tooth tigers (or muggers). Likewise, if we are in physical danger, our self-esteem takes a back seat.

I want explore the middle two items, Belonging and Esteem, and what they might mean to us ordinary men.

Most of us have a sense of belonging in our families, our communities, our places of work. This gives us a rootedness, a compass by which we guide ourselves through life. It would seem a natural thing, then, for esteem to be a logical next step: we are loved, we are useful to others, and so on.
Feeling Like Crap

So why do so many men feel like crap? Or if we don't, why are we of absolutely no opinion about ourselves - in other words, why are we so numb?

We can talk about the devaluing of men in society and the assaults of feminism, and these may be factors, perhaps even significant ones. But I think there's a bigger factor: Men no longer get a sense of belonging from other men.


Many men get only tiny tastes of belonging from within even the best and most loving family. As for communities, they are atomized into cocoon-like households and typically offer even less belonging. Most workplaces are not long on social support, and aren't designed to be.

Many of us, often without knowing why, are isolated and lonely, even when we have a nice job and a loving marriage and family. A numbness sets in, and it feels natural. After all, we're meeting society's and our family's expectations to be a provider, a good and quiet citizen, and (depending on our situation) a faithful and loyal family man. This numbness affects all our relationships.
Men's Belonging

Where can men get a sense of belonging that will resonate with esteem and in turn give us a better sense of belonging in our families and communities?

Here are some other ways to put the question: Where can men get the most connectedness and understanding of what it's like to be a man? Where can men feel total acceptance of ourselves as men? I don't mean acceptance as husbands, or fathers, or workers, or leaders, or heroes, or anything like that. I mean acceptance for simply being male.

From other men.

I think if you get a few men together, and give us some time, we begin to come out of our loneliness and isolation to find that we're not the only ones with a full range of spiritual yearnings, sexual joys and frustrations, rage against abusive bosses, deep love for our children and partners, glory in our large and small victories, grief over our losses and compromises, zaniness and raunch, utter fatigue and distraction from just being a man.

Yes, our wives and girlfriends understand us - on their terms, or in terms of being part of a couple. But, simply because we are men, we have a far greater potential of understanding, and being understood by, other men.

This is not touchy-feely encounter stuff with lots of (perhaps) unmanly chatter. Our understanding can be nonverbal, contained in a glance, a knowing grimace, a grunt of appreciation. It's a kind of intimacy, but not the kind in which personal boundaries come crashing down. It's more like finding ourselves standing on common ground, a ground larger than the little islands we thought we were stranded on. When we do talk and listen, it's from the heart, with a clarity that can surprise us. The depth of understanding is a phenomenon I've seen in weekend gatherings, week-long retreats, and an afternoon of drumming and poetry.

The esteem part comes when we realize that we matter to other men, that our value to each other is simply in being men and not in accomplishing great feats. Because other men accept us - whole communities of men - we begin to accept ourselves and matter to ourselves.

This esteem can be brought back into marriages and families, strengthening connections there. In fact, I've heard several men report that, when things got shaky at home, their wives or partners said, in effect, "Time to do some more men's work."
The Challenge

I know it's likely that I'm preaching to the choir here. Most men reading this newsletter have already had some experience in, or at least interest in, men's groups.

But how can we spread the experience around? I'm not talking about becoming a "movement," just perhaps expanding our men's groups to include a few more men, or spawning off a new group in a new community.

I've been told that attendance at gatherings is declining, at least here in the Northeast. If the decline in men's work is widespread, it's possible that, as a collective, men are sliding down further into the pit of loneliness.

So here's an action plan: If you're involved in men's work in a men's group or by attending gatherings, invite another man to join you. If you lead a group, discuss expanding it and encourage the men to bring a friend. If you're not already in a group, you may have to start your own. See How to Start a Men's Group for some ideas.

It's a small start. But each man you bring into men's work is one more man who has a sense of belonging and self-esteem and who can bring those qualities back to his family and community.

From Menletter June 2004
by Tim Baehr

NINE questions you should ask your partner annually

10 questions you should ask your partner annually


What could I do to make you feel more loved?

What could I do to make you feel more respected?

What could I do to make you feel more understood?

What could I do to make you more secure?

What can I do to make you feel more confident in our future direction?

What attribute would you like me to develop?

What attribute would you like me to help you develop?

What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy?

What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?

Optional - Have I overlooked any question you would like for me to ask?

The Invitation . . .

The Invitation


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart's longing

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled
and closed from fear of further pain

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it

I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine and your own
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips
of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful... be realistic...or
to remember the limitations of being a human

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day
and if you can source your life from ITS presence

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand
on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES !"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you
have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone...and do what needs to be done for the children


It doesn't interest me who you are...how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.



Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
Indian Elder MAY 1994.

The Philosophy of Mensactivism.org

The Philosophy of Mensactivism.org

Here we describe the purpose and philosophical guidelines under which The Men's Activism News Network is run. We hope this page will help to clarify what Mensactivism.org is about, and what our selection criteria are for news stories.
Purpose:

The underlying purpose of The Men's Activism News Network is twofold:

To provide pro-male activists with news and information that will aid them in working toward establishing equal rights for men and the improvement of men's lives.

To encourage participation in activism projects, and to promote membership in men's rights organizations which coordinate activism efforts and serve as a supportive network for men.

In addition to these two principles, Mensactivism.org would like to reach out to as many pro-male men and women as possible. We try to post news and information that is of interest to people of many different backgrounds and political ideologies, within reason (ie, gender idealogues who hate men need not apply). Frequently, you may see articles posted to Mensactivism.org that come from different, sometimes contradictory perspectives. We do this because we want to help foster a dialogue between those with differing views on men's rights issues, and to recognize that there are often issues which are not black and white within our movement.

With that in mind, here is how we generally deal with potentially controversial issues within the men's movement:
Conservative or Liberal? Progressive or Traditional?

Mensactivism.org aims to be as apolitical as possible. Liberals, conservatives, libertarians, and people from other political backgrounds should be able to find something of interest on this site. Also, we believe that there are ways to promote men's rights through political activism with most political parties, and encourage people to do so. Thus, we will occasionally report on a political party or candidate's activity when it is related to men's rights, but this in no way endorses or condemns any party or candidate as pro- or anti-male.

Whether men are happier with their traditional roles vs. the changing and expansion of men's roles is also not a black and white issue. Stories related to both perspectives will be frequently posted.
Political Correctness/Racial Issues/Gay Issues

Mensactivism.org does not believe that political correctness, in and of itself, is a good thing. However, we do support the many issues that men of color and gay or bisexual men face, and want to encourage all men, regardless of their race or sexual orientation, to work together to improve men's lives and dignity. We will post news when it is related to the status of minority or gay men as men. General news stories about race issues or gay rights are unlikely to be posted unless they specifically relate to the rights of men. We do this to maintain the focus of The Men's Activism News Network, not to discourage people from participating in other civil rights causes.

Mensactivism.org has no official position on gay rights, affirmative action, and other related issues. Views presented on this web site about these issues are limited to the individual who made them, and do not represent the views of Mensactivism.org.
Women's Violence and the Portrayal of Women

We believe that one of the misperceptions that is currently harming equality and men's rights is the myth that women are less violent than men. Although pointing readers to examples of women's violence is one way to help break down this myth, we do not wish to attack women merely for the sake of "exposing women's faults" - after all, the media is currently too eager to portray men as abusers, murderers and rapists. Therefore, unless the news story is related to an issue which is more closely tied with men's issues (ie, an example of domestic violence against men, or inequality in sentencing female criminals), we will generally not post stories that are simply about women being violent.

Mensactivism.org would also like it to be made very clear that even though we post news about women who have falsely accused men of rape or harassment, we do not claim that all women do this, or that services which support female victims should be abolished (although we do believe men should have similar services available to them, which is often not the case).

The Men's Activism News Network also welcomes the contributions of women to this movement, and receives a significant amount of participation from women. Although we believe that male-only groups are of great benefit to men and society, we ultimately believe that it is only when men and women work together with trust and respect for each other that justice for everyone will be achieved.
Are we taking things too seriously?

Some people might say that we're reading too much into some of the material that is posted to Mensactivism.org, that we're over-analyzing the media or have no sense of humor. Perhaps in some circumstances, this could be true. But the goal of this site is to make people aware of the fact that men are treated unfairly because of their sex, and that many of these ways are so deeply embedded in our culture that it can be difficult to view them in this light. Men's roles have traditionally been not to complain about their problems, and some people might find our articles out of line in this sense. But it's important if we are to achieve equality and be treated as whole human beings, that we speak out about injustices and dissatisfactions in men's lives.
Why we're not a men's rights organization

Please note that The Men's Activism News Network is not really an organization, but a service to pro-male activists and groups. We feel that there are plenty of excellent men's rights organizations out there and we should avoid the creation of further divisions within the movement when possible. Mensactivism.org readers and contributors are members of a community, but we do not have official meetings, membership lists, or anything like that. Anyone with a sincere interest is men's issues is welcome to become part of this community.

-- The Mensactivism.org Admin Team

The Christmas truce of 1914

The Christmas truce of 1914

Informal truces and small armistices have often taken place during prolonged periods of fighting … the military history of the last two centuries, abounds with incidents of friendship between enemies. The fact that these events occur are assurances, for all of us, that man is, in his inner most being, a creature of compassion and peace.

In the Peninsula War British and French Troops at times visited each others lines, drew water at the same wells and even sat around the same campfire. In the Crimean War British, French and Russians at quiet times also gathered around the same fire, smoking and drinking. In the American Civil War Yankees and Rebels traded tobacco, coffee and newspapers, fished peacefully on opposite sides of the same stream and even collected wild blackberries together. Similar stories are told of the Boer War, in which on one occasion, during a conference of commanders, the rank and file of both sides engaged in a friendly game of football.

The Christmas truce of 1914 does not stand alone; on the other hand it is undoubtedly the greatest example of its kind… in which thousands of soldiers English, French, Belgian and German at the fifth month of the savage 52 month World War I…left their trenches and joined together in no man’s land to celebrate Christmas together….



A Christmas Truce - by Kevin Radcliffe

On the frozen fields of Flanders, one cold December night,
Across the field of battle, all was very calm and bright.
As the stars shone down upon, each opposing side,
Crouching in the trenches, between No Man's Land divide.

It was Christmas in the trenches, no yuletide carols were sung,
As men huddled in their fox holes, brushing off the frost that clung.
Then a young German voice, from across the great divide,
Sang the carol "Stille Nacht" known throughout the worldwide.

As soon as he was finished, there was a reverent pause,
Then cheers broke out on both sides with tremendous applause.
"God rest ye merry Gentlemen" sang a young British boy,
And both sides joined in chorus with "Tidings of Great Joy."

Suddenly there appeared upon the plain so bright
The figure of a German lad, holding a truce flag tight.
Singly from the trenches, men walked into No Man's Land
Without guns and ammunition, they met there hand to hand.

Exchanged chocolate, cigarettes, scotch and cognac
Showed photographs of home, slapped each other on the back.
Played a game of soccer, on the field so bright.
After that talked "peace on earth" under the starlit night.

On frozen Flanders' fields, as the dawn broke through,
Men met in the middle of No Man's Land, to bid a sad adieu.
As they walked back to the trenches, they waved a last farewell
And thought about the weeks ahead, when the going would be hell!

It's Christmas Day in Flanders, as the snow lies on the ground
A grey haired German mother kneels amid crosses all around.
She prays for her young son Hans, who held that truce flag tight,
On the frozen fields of Flanders, on that cold December night.

Are We Teaching Our Kids To Be Fearful of Men?

Are We Teaching Our Kids To Be Fearful of Men?

By Jeff Zaslow

When children get lost in a mall, they're supposed to find a "low-risk adult" to help them. Guidelines issued by police departments and child-safety groups often encourage them to look for "a pregnant woman," "a mother pushing a stroller" or "a grandmother."

The implied message: Men, even dads pushing strollers, are "high-risk."

Are we teaching children that men are out to hurt them? The answer, on many fronts, is yes. Child advocate John Walsh advises parents to never hire a male babysitter. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers rather than male passengers. Soccer leagues are telling male coaches not to touch players.

Child-welfare groups say these are necessary precautions, given that most predators are male. But fathers' rights activists and educators now argue that an inflated predator panic is damaging men's relationships with kids. Some men are opting not to get involved with children at all, which partly explains why many youth groups can't find male leaders, and why just 9% of elementary-school teachers are male, down from 18% in 1981.

People assume that all men "have the potential for violence and sexual aggressiveness," says Peter Stearns, a George Mason University professor who studies fear and anxiety. Kids end up viewing every male stranger "as a potential evildoer," he says, and as a byproduct, "there's an overconfidence in female virtues." . . .

TV shows, including the Dateline NBC series "To Catch a Predator," hype stories about male abusers. Now social-service agencies are also using controversial tactics to spread the word about abuse. This summer, Virginia's Department of Health mounted an ad campaign for its sex-abuse hotline. Billboards featured photos of a man holding a child's hand. The caption: "It doesn't feel right when I see them together."

More than 200 men emailed complaints about the campaign to the health department. "The implication is that if you see a man holding a girl's hand, he's probably a predator," says Marc Rudov, who runs the fathers' rights site TheNoNonsenseMan.com. "In other words, if you see a father out with his daughter, call the police." . . .

Mr. Walsh, host of Fox's "America's Most Wanted," began advocating for missing children in 1981, after his son was killed by a stranger. He knows some men are offended by his advice to never hire a male babysitter. But as he sees it, if a teenage boy wants to experiment with sex, you don't want him using your kids.

Um, hasn't Mr. Walsh seen the many stories (even just here in the Detroit area) of adult women preying on teen-age boys for sex? Come on. Wake up. Women are becoming just as predatory as we're taught to believe men are.

"It's not a witch hunt," he says. "It's all about minimizing risks. What dog is more likely to bite and hurt you? A Doberman, not a poodle. Who's more likely to molest a child? A male."

John Walsh says men are now Dobermans?! (Except him, of course.) Sounds like he's been watching too much Oprah and "The View."

Airlines use similar reasoning when they seat unaccompanied minors only with women. They are trying to decrease the odds of a problem. Certainly, many men would be safe seatmates for kids, but sometimes, especially on overnight flights in darkened cabins, "you have to make generalizations for the safety of a child," says Diana Fairechild, an expert witness in aviation disputes. Airlines have had decades of experience monitoring the gender of abusive seatmates, she adds, quoting a line repeated in airline circles: "No regulation in aviation takes effect without somebody's blood on it."

I think I smell a perfectly justified class-action gender-discrimination lawsuit against airlines.

Most men understand the need to be cautious, so they're willing to take a step back from children, or to change seats on a plane. One abused child is one too many. Still, it's important to maintain perspective. "The number of men who will hurt a child is tiny compared to the population," says Benjamin Radford, who researches statistics on predators and is managing editor of the science magazine Skeptical Inquirer. "Virtually all of the time, if a child is lost or in trouble, he will be safe going to the nearest male stranger."

Right on, Jeff Zaslow. If only America's conventional wisdom was actually infused with this kind of common sense.

Posted by Debbie at August 23, 2007 10:19 AM

Comments

'Women are becoming just as predatory as we're taught to believe men are.'

What a ridiculous (I'm being polite here) comment. Despite the reports in the media of women seducing teenage boys, they hardly equal the amount of sex crimes (on adults and children) committed by men. This is just retarded conservative propaganda run amok.

"[Adam Walsh] knows some men are offended by his advice to never hire a male babysitter."

Howard Stern gives the same advice. It's just common sense.

You conservatives really kill me some times. Many of you like to say Christians aren't as bad as Muslims or that Whites don't commit as much crime as Blacks, but when it comes to sex or violent crimes, conservatives are the first to say Women are as bad as Men. Conservatives are real idiots at times.

Posted by: jaillibby2 at August 23, 2007 11:39 AM

jaillibby2

You are wrong about women not being involved in sex crimes. It is just the statistics have not been reported in the past.

The equality movement is finally biting them in the ass and the statistics prove it now that LE is recording female sex crimes.

The vast majority of sexual assaults by school teachers are committed by females.
http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=53824

Posted by: ScottyDog at August 23, 2007 12:47 PM

Small list of women offenders:

High school coach resigns after sexual assault arrest
http://www.khou.com/news/local/stories/khou070215_tnt_hsarrest.401b8e0.html
Kimberly Dawn Hollis has now resigned from Hightower High School in Fort Bend County after confessing to having sexual conduct with a 15-year-old-girl

Female Coach Allegedly Had Relationship with Player
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=local&id=3526747
A female high school coach is facing serious charges. She's accused of having a relationship with a player on her team who was just 14-years-old! This case is unfolding in Nazareth, Northampton County.

Ex-coach accused of endangerment
http://www.thedailystar.com/news/stories/2007/07/14/pblaurenscoach5.html
LAURENS _ The former girls softball coach at Laurens Central School has been accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a child younger than 17.

Counselor Sentenced For Having Sex With Autistic Student
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/10716523/detail.html
Becci M. Hill, of Martinsville, was accused of having a sexual relationship with the 15-year-old, whom she had mentored at one point, according to authorities. She was a special-needs counselor with the Wayne Township school district in Indianapolis.

Counselor-In-Training Convicted Of Sexual Abuse
http://cbs2chicago.com/topstories/local_story_215170720.html
Maywood Court Associate Judge Gilbert J. Grossi convicted Kathy Miraglia, in her 30s, of two counts of criminal sexual abuse and eight counts of criminal sexual assault during a bench trial Thursday, according to a Cook County State�s Attorney�s office spokeswoman

Oregon woman sentenced for having sex with high school boy
http://www.oregonnews.com/article/20070111/NEWS/70111005/0/news
KLAMATH FALLS, Ore. (AP) � A 34-year-old woman will spend a month in jail after admitting she had sex with a teenager she counseled at Klamath Union High School.

Teacher Allegedly Had Oral Sex With Girl At School
http://www.wftv.com/news/12525646/detail.html?rss=orlc&psp=news
The former soccer and softball coach is accused of the unthinkable, having sex with a female student on campus during school hours

Teacher turns herself in on sex charges
http://www.wcnc.com/news/topstories/stories/wcnc-080807-krg-teacher_sex.1561fe31.html
HUNTERSVILLE, N.C. -- A former Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools teacher surrendered to police Wednesday after she was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a female student.

Student Testifies About Sexual Relationship With Teacher
http://www.click2houston.com/news/10882250/detail.html
Shanikka Campbell, 26, pleaded guilty to three counts of sexual abuse of a child on Monday.

The former Aldine Independent School District English teacher admitted to having sex with a 16-year-old 11th-grade student she met at Carver High School last Spring

Jailed teacher in sex case fired, remains silent
23-year-old middle school instructor in S.C. accused of sex with five boys
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17388278/

Teacher, Alleged Sex Victim Did Witchcraft
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,140486,00.html
SOUTH HAVEN, Mich. � A teacher and a 14-year-old former female student whom she is accused of sexually assaulting participated in witchcraft together and even "wed" in a pagan ritual, police said.

Elizabeth Miklosovic (search), 36, a teacher at South Haven's Baseline Middle School, was arraigned Thursday on a charge of first-degree criminal sexual conduct

Woman charged with sexual assault
http://www.nwanews.com/nwat/News/51156/
A 19-year-old Fayetteville woman was charged Thursday by the Fourth Judicial District Prosecutor�s Office for having sexual contact with a 13-year-old girl.

Three Women Accused Of Sexual Abuse Of 16-Year-Old Boy
Teen Being Cared For At Group Home
http://www.nbc4.com/newsarchive/10891638/detail.html
Police said that through their investigation, they learned that Koreene Avery, 38, and Robin Lawrence, 24, both counselors at the M.S. Youth Services group home, also were having sex with the boy at the home.

Posted by: eloopd at August 23, 2007 01:29 PM

The cautionary approach suggested in the post parrallels the cautionary approach that is offered when discussing males of Arab/Muslim descent.

It is OK to be cautious of male Arab/Muslims as potential terrorists.

It is OK to be cautious of male adults as potential pedophiles.

The closest arguement for/against is that it depends on their actions. Recent news accounts offer a picture of two Arab/Muslim looking guys on a ferry 'acting suspicious.' Then what of the coach who pats a kid on the behind and leaves his hand there an inordinate amount of time. And, what is an inordinate amount of time? I don't know.

I really don't know. I am going to take each case one at a time and avoid jumping to conclusions before I have a greater knowledge of the situation. Then if the situation merits, I'll put my foot up the pedophile's and terrorist's behind.

OK, that's being a man, and you don't have to worry, because I am out there, (and there are alot of us) and I got your back if it is a pedophile or terrorist.

Posted by: zyzzyg at August 23, 2007 01:30 PM

@ Jaillibby

"Many of you like to say Christians aren't as bad as Muslims or that Whites don't commit as much crime as Blacks.."

First of all how many Christian acts of terror do you know about since 9/11? Guess how many Terror acts in the name of Islam have been committed in that same amount of time? How about more than 9,000.

http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/

Next you say:

"Whites don't commit as much crime as Blacks.."

The US Department of Justice would like to argue that point with you.

Blacks are 7 times more likely to murder someone than whites and 9 times more likely to committ any violent crime.

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/welcome.html

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/homicide/race.htm

Posted by: sickboy at August 23, 2007 01:55 PM

As a Black male in America, I graduated from Harvard with a degree in physics and computer science. As a senior, we were required to complete a research project. I completed mine on black americans and the relationship to incarceration, the one factor that stood above all, was the fact the black males that were in jail for greater than 1 year had a greater than 90% chance of have a negative or no role model. Almost all had a female dominated household that taught that being a male was negative.

Posted by: Dallas1972 at August 23, 2007 08:33 PM

Thanks for supprting us men, Debbie. Have you heard of the site www.mediaradar.org. Respecting accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting. It discussing the discrimination towards men and basically they are taught to view every family problem as the man 100% bad abuser and women 100% good victim and most family problems that is not the situation. A man is physically bigger that is true but this should make him automatically guilty. Can a younger brother or sister can do what they want to a bigger older brother or sister? Of course not. They also use their services to brainwash women that everything is a guys faut and if a women doesn't share their views they can harm her too. Feminist don't believe in different ideas especially from other women.

I also have to say in the Orthodox Jewish world at least in NY metro area the things that are said about Jewish men are just horrible and mostly untrue. I have been a victim (in many different area's) of the hatred that goes on in many Orthodox circles towards men. The Rabbi's are very naive at best because they work in a field that has no women so they many times have an exaggerated sense that women are vunerable and believe anything they say about men. My only family situation thank g-d has become somewhat better but you know my parents invite my younger sister every Jewish holiday and don't rotate since my parents are unable to deal with the two of us together. Doesn't anybody say anything? Not that I know. And outside where I grew up I have had people tell me they would throw me up of the community if I mention my family situation even if it is just to get advice and to try to improve which without anyone's help it has become somewhat better. I spend most Jewish holidays alone because I don't feel comfortable with the male hatred that some Rabbi's preach which of course they are the exception. This is in Orthodox Judaism. An Aish Rabbi once wrote me that divorce is all the man's fault because women have more intuition when I and many others complained about an article that specifically picked on men. Claims this is torah. I am only mentioning two area's but I have the same vicious behavior towards me in other areas too when I have dealt with Orthodox Jews in any area they for the slightest thing they think you are a monster. I know it isn't everyone but too many seem to fit this mode and it has scared me away from being involved in Orthodox Jewish life.
Adam

What I believe . . . . from NPR

I believe that Fathers make a difference.

My earliest coherent memories are of my Father. I recall him telling me and my brother to always tell the truth, and to share books. Whatever he told us, he himself lived. My father was a good man, and what I know about being a good man, I learned from my father. Fathers make a difference because they set examples.

My father bought us tinker toys, tin airplanes, and cap pistols. He took us everywhere he went: to work (he was a sanitary engineer), to the midway, on train rides. He taught us how to fish. He grew up in West Texas, and he made sure that we learned how to ride. He sang Hank Williams songs to us. He took us to cowboy movies. Fathers make a difference because they appreciate the importance of fun.

There were times, when I was growing up, that I found the going tough and simply wanted to quit whatever I was doing. My father always managed to arrange to keep me going. One day, at the end of my senior year at Stanford, I called him to tell him that I was not going to graduate. He spoke to every one of my teachers and found out what it would take to get me through. He commissioned my brother to keep an eye on me while I did what would take. I graduated. Fathers make a difference because they have an abiding interest in their children's strivings.

When I went off to graduate school at the University of Texas, my father went down to Austin with me to help me find a place to live. Then he went back home to Dallas. If he ever worried about my making my way in this world after that, he never mentioned it to me. Fathers make a difference because they know how to say “Fare thee well” to their children, and really mean it.

The truth is, I am writing not so much about fathers as to fathers. I hope that you who are fathers will hew to what is essential in fathering. The brand of baby food you buy your son is small stuff; that you are there when he is learning to ride a bike is immensely important. That your daughter goes to school without her mittens is small stuff; that you are there to talk to her boyfriend is immensely important. That you sit down to dinner with your children is immensely important. That you are there to take them up a mountain that they don't think they can climb is immensely important. It is immensely important that you stick up for them when they need to establish their independence from their peers, from the authorities or even from their mother.

If nothing else, Woody Allen's words apply to fatherhood with a vengeance. He said, “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” This I believe.