Men’ s Groups: A Vision Unfolding

Men’UU s Groups: A Vision Unfolding

By Tom Owen-Towle

"I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had it to do over again, I'd call in others."

—Roland Young

A Reason

One of America's burgeoning revolutions finds men meeting to share pieces of their deep hopes and hurts, as they unwrap their self-sufficient exteriors to exchange touch and thought with other men.

As one prominent advocate for men's rights and growth has put it:

We men have related to one another in two prime ways: (1) Side-by-side as work associates, committee members, and team players; or (2) Back-to-back as cohorts in the military or police force, where we cover for each other in life-dependent situations.

Now we are finally learning to enjoy face-to-face encounters where we talk directly to one another as brothers in close, personal, trusting fashion.

We join a larger movement of men to exchange notes, to hold and shove one another, to create tomorrows together. There aren't any Santa Clauses or theories or women or children or religions to account for what we do with who we are. We're ultimately responsible for ourselves.

There are many reasons, as women have long realized, for gender-based dialogues. First, there are male concerns that are properly and beneficially shared man to man. (For example, fathering and being the son of a father.)

Second, there is considerable healing to be achieved between men, because we have been pounding upon, even destroying one another, ever since Cain slew his brother Abel. We can learn respectful, loving ways to be brothers—not to be our brother's boss, keeper, or lackey, but to be our brother's brother.

Often we men build bonds with each other only to run into deeply ingrained homophobia about intimacy. Or we may feel comfortable being open and intimate with our buddies during a men's group, but then revert to negative, distancing patterns when back at work amid the "good old boy's network."

The best way for us to heal our wounds and befriend our fears is to spend time sharing aches and aspirations, telling our real stories, face-to-face, brother to brother, as peers in supportive, open places.

A Model

At First Unitarian Church in San Diego, our monthly men's discussion group was launched in 1978 and then blossomed into a robust, multi-faceted Men’s Fellowship. We have found certain characteristics essential to maintaining a vital men's experience in our congregation and we pass these guiding aspirations on to our friends across the continent.

Be Visible: Any man coming into your UU community should know that there is an ongoing men's program available. Reach out to all brothers with ample publicity and genuine embrace.

Be Varied: Try to offer (in your overall congregational life) a range of men-only experiences from which men with different needs and interests can choose. These may include discussion, ritual and support groups, retreats, work/play projects, political action, and spiritual discipline. Men's events flourish when equal attention is paid to stretching bodies, awakening consciences, stirring souls, and comforting hearts.

Be Inclusive: Be intentionally affirmative and welcoming of those traditionally marginalized in religious communities: gay men, physically or emotionally challenged men, men of color, more conservative men, and others. To expand our witness and diversify our membership requires low-key yet persistent 'missionary work' among the men in our UU societies.

Be Intergenerational: UU men's groups tend to attract men especially in the 30's to 50's age range but often leave unaddressed younger and older men whose participation would enrich the overall experience. As appropriate, reach out to both groups—the elders and the adolescents—with play nights, initiation ceremonies, work parties and outdoor treks.

Be Bridge-Builders: In addition to sustaining separate gender-based groups, build bridges between the men and women of your congregation. The purpose of such dialogue is to address sexism and male privilege, share respective stories of hurt and hope, diminish distrust, and foster understanding on the road to gender justice and joy. (Our local Men's Fellowship has also started a working group on "Stopping Men's Violence" against other men, ourselves, and especially against women and children.)

Be Servants: A risk of enthusiastic men's programming is that it becomes insular and self-focused. Reach out beyond your own egos and activities and connect with other area and continental men's activities. Heed the call to participate in service projects or protests in your larger community.

Be Humble: If our masculine quest is to maintain equilibrium and be enduring, it will need perspective and humility (a word related to humor, humanness, humus). Growing, generative men are summoned to be husbands of the earth, stewards of soil and sky. Cultivate a sense of humility that enables you to be serious without being grim, playful without being foolish, proud without falling prey to arrogance.

Men's increasing spiritual awareness and ethical responsiveness, sustained by regular sessions with other men, will profoundly affect the women, children, plants, animals, and deities who share our common universe.

The Rev. Tom Owen-Towle is co-parish minister with his wife, Carolyn Owen-Towle,

of the First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Diego, CA.

The Unitarian Universalist Men’s Network supports a mature, liberal religious masculinity with resources and leadership, and can be contacted via e-mail: info@uumen.org.

Improving Checkin for Men's Groups

Check-in - 12 Ways to Improve the Odds for a Fulfilling Men’s Group Check-in

By Jaco B. ten Hove, Neil Chethik, John K. Davis, John Britt, Marlin Lavanhar

"Checking-in" is an almost ubiquitous activity in sharing groups, yet it can sometimes be quite time-consuming with less than inspiring results. A modest survey of some experienced men’s group participants turned up the following hints and suggestions:

1. Whoever goes first can set the tone, by modeling vulnerability and keeping comments reasonably short. This can help make the check-in an effectively meaningful time.

2. A period of silence (or appropriate instrumental music) prior to check-in can help us distance ourselves from the way men often communicate in daily interaction. This pause can help deepen a sense of sacred space where risks can be taken in the presence of safety and trust.

3. Having a designated, rotating facilitator can help because someone is then given authority to monitor and offer reminders, as necessary.

4. It can be healthy to vary the check-in process over time or as an experiment. For instance, if whoever is leading has the freedom to try something new or different, he might suggest that one session’s check-in use adjectives exclusively.

5. Check in mostly about your current feeling state. Avoid long, chronological accounts of the past week. Discern what is animating you most at that moment.

6. Beware interruptions—even friendly ones—during a man’s check-in. Gently but firmly suggest that there be no "cross-talk" or feedback during check-in. (See "Check-in With Sparks" on the other side for another model.) Let each man be in charge of his own sharing, start to finish. Invite group members to offer no advice, judgment, questions or personal testimony that disrupts another’s sharing. Focused and patient listening is a gift that fosters an environment in which full authenticity is more likely.

7. Occasionally, in order to expedite check-in (say, to allow for a particular program or agenda later in the meeting), try what has been called a "whip check-in." (This refers to whipping around the circle quickly.) Take one minute of silence first, then ask each person to express where he's at in a single word or phrase. It's amazing what can be said in a few words when that's all you've got!

8. Design separate check-in rounds for the past, present, and future.

9. With experienced or on-going groups, sometimes a good check in can include inviting group members to take turns asking each other about significant issues that have been raised by that member in the past.

10. Don't assume that check-in need be a regular routine. Instead, at the onset of each session invite anyone who wants time to share (outside any prepared program) to identify that need right away. That way people don't feel obliged to check-in and perhaps ramble on when they really don't have much to say, taking time from someone who really needs attention.

11. Make it explicit in your group’s "norms" that "passing" during check-in is okay, and model it a few times so that people really know it. Some groups may unthinkingly "require" everyone to check-in, even though a meaningful sharing just may not be appropriate for every group member every meeting.

12. Invite members to identify ongoing personal issues they are struggling with or want the group's support on, and rotate through these "member-specific" issues as check-in themes for everyone. However, each man would respond to and personalize the particular issue for himself, which could offer valuable insights.

"Check-in with SPARKS" — an easy way to engage each other

With a little greater-than-usual investment of time, a group might try this technique, which could, if desired, lead into a full meeting’s worth of personalized, deepening conversation. It works well with both long-established groups and introductory, or even one-time-only meetings.

• Plan on going around the circle twice. The first round, use any kind of relatively short but personal check-in process, but announce that after that round, each person will be asked to respond to something someone else said that "sparked" them in some personal way.

• When learning this technique, be sure to remind the group (when about half have checked-in the first time) to listen carefully to the sharings and be inwardly attentive for whatever "sparks" might emerge.

• On the second go-around, each person speaks to another in the group (directly, by name), first identifying whichever previously mentioned phrase/experience/emotion it was that "sparked" something in them and then briefly elaborating on what that spark brought up from their life.

• After all have shared their "sparks" during the second round, the group can decide if a further round is desired. (Sometimes a person who has numerous sparks to share can be allowed to mention them before the group moves on.) Often there is already enough juicy material to follow up on for as long as the group might want.

• With practice, a group can either move relatively quickly through the process to allow for other programming, or use it to move into deeper sharing over the full length of a meeting.

Discussion Topics for Men's Groups

One of the key elements to stimulate initial interest in men's groups... and to maintain interest over time... is to have plenty of topics - beyond "Check-in" to keep things interesting.

A great source of potential topics can be found at www.uumen.org. Go to the FORUM and look under "discussion topics."

Should keep you going ... for awhile. Say maybe five years.

Frank

Men’s Group – Would you to consider it? . . .

Let me share with you a few quotes from A Community of Men that are quite meaningful for me… and form the foundation which motivates me to start a men’s group…

“A primary focus of the feminist movement has been to bring forth what is within women in order to save women from the oppression of patriarchy. This salvation has occurred by women gathering to share stories about their experiences as women. In the course of this spiritual work, many women have discovered the center of their being as women and have been empowered and transformed by the discovery…”

“Women and men benefit by searching for and claiming their spiritual center. The goal of such a quest is ‘to bring forth what is within us.’ The quest differs for men and women to the extent that our experiences and stories differ. It is not pursued in isolation as mythic stories suggest, but in relationship with other seekers, women with women and men with men. The path to deeper understandings of humanity begins with our own gender…. Each gender has specific challenges to address in order to bring more sizable resources of personhood to our common table…”

“Patriarchy oppresses men by initiating them into estrangement and alienation from self and others and thus preventing the development of a deep and rooted masculinity. This kind of isolation is well suited to the realities of war and work. Both are competitive environments where self-sacrifice is a celebrated virtue. Because of isolation many men neither possess the skills to bare their souls to each other nor the trust to do so.”

Do these statements resonate with you? They do for me.

I want to start a men’s group with the purpose of discussing issues relevant to men in 2007… to explore and expand on what is generally stated above and to consider other topics (such as those also attached to this email). Would you be interested in joining such a group?

If you’re interested in joining a group that would “explore and grapple with” issues that are relevant to being a man here… today – in our society.. in Maine… I’d really like you to consider joining with me in this endeavor. I’m open to suggestions… in terms of defining exactly what the group would discuss… or do. The extent to which it gets “into personal issues” would be up to the group.

Here is piece of my perspective on being a man… today….

How the expectations for men have changed! My father got away with being the good provider… worked ‘til eight PM every night. Paced nervously in the waiting room until I was born, wringing his hands…

I, on the other hand, had to fight to hold my first born in my arms two hours after she was born… was present and compassionately involved all through labor with the second (a son).

And for my third… I honestly have to ask the question (in retrospect of course)…. Why I needed the services of an obstetrician during the delivery… at all.

But the last 50 years has been time of enormous change for men. Expectations and roles that served us well a few decades ago don’t cut the mustard today. We’ve assumed childcare responsibilities, shared “breadwinner pedestal space” with our spouses… and, in not a few cases, stepped aside and become cheerleaders as our spouses became the lead car on the career racetrack. It has been, for men… a time of enormous transition.

I think women in general have found their stride. I don’t believe men have.. and there isn’t much space or a place for them to go to find it. Work sure as heck isn’t such a place. The football field, the battlefield and competitive life at University isn’t really either.

Men are not the “mavens of relationship maintenance and nurturance” that women are. And they aren’t real good at baring their souls and exposing their weaknesses.

Contrary to popular lore… most men aren’t naturals at Networking. And, if the truth be known… I don’t think many of us spend a lot of time “peering down from our perches of privilege and entitlement at the rest of the world.”

No, closer to the truth is that many men are “lone wolves”…. Who count their wives as their best and oftentimes “only” friend. This is an enormous and unhealthy burden to place on a single relationship.

Any many men I know, myself included, carry burdens of sadness and worry that they dare not share fully with anyone, particularly women or their spouse. But things need to be shared and discussed to be dealt with.

But.. I want to be careful NOT to map my own needs and desires onto a future Men’s group. Let it become a Social Group… a Discussion Group… a Support Group … A Process Group… whatever the will of those who chose to step forward and help in its formation.

My goal is to facilitate the start of a men’s group … However.. I’m neither a “facilitator” nor a group leader… so this could be a bit challenging…. ( I do have experience of being a member of a men’s group and have attended Maine Coast Men’s weekends for two years).

I have briefly discussed the idea of starting a men’s group with a few people… men whom (in my humble opinion) have a special characteristic that marks them as being on … possibly… a similar wavelength and who may have an interest in joining such a group. You are one of those people.

If you are interested in starting a men's group... go to www.uumen.org, go to the FORUM and collect some more ideas . . .

This is the beginning

The Creation
1	In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2	And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
3	¶ And God said, Let there be light and there was light.
4	And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
5	And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
6	¶ And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
7	And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8	And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
9	¶ And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
10	And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
11	And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
12	And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
13	And the evening and the morning were the third day.
14	¶ And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
15	and let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.