Agenda
Intros – initial question(s)
Let’s get started. Please say your name, tell us whether you’ve ever participated in a men’s group or men’s weekend before. What is one thing you would like to get from this group? Or alternatively, what in the materials that I sent you stands out in your mind or how it was a factor in your decision to come over this evening.
What I would like to do is for each man to become aware of his immediate goals and intentions for himself in this group.
Men’s Group Background
Types of men’s groups, my involvement in Men’s Groups/weekends. What have I gotten out of these?
What is the purpose / objective of this men’s group?
“Patriarchy oppresses men by initiating them into estrangement and alienation from self and others and thus preventing the development of a deep and rooted masculinity. This kind of isolation is well suited to the realities of war and work. Both are competitive environments where self-sacrifice is a celebrated virtue. Because of isolation many men neither possess the skills to bare their souls to each other nor the trust to do so.”
I want to start a men’s group with the purpose of discussing issues relevant to men in 2007… to explore and expand on what is generally stated above and to consider other topics (such as those also attached to this email). Would you be interested in joining such a group?
If you’re interested in joining a group that would “explore and grapple with” issues that are relevant to being a man here… today – in our society.. in Maine… I’d really like you to consider joining with me in this endeavor.
But the last 50 years has been time of enormous change for men. Expectations and roles that served us well a few decades ago don’t cut the mustard today. We’ve assumed childcare responsibilities, shared “breadwinner pedestal space” with our spouses… and, in not a few cases, stepped aside and become cheerleaders as our spouses became the lead car on the career racetrack. It has been, for men… a time of enormous transition.
I think women in general have found their stride. I don’t believe men have.. and there isn’t much space or a place for them to go to find it. Work sure as heck isn’t such a place. The football field, the battlefield and competitive life at University isn’t really either.
Men are not the “mavens of relationship maintenance and nurturance” that women are. And they aren’t real good at baring their souls and exposing their weaknesses.
Contrary to popular lore… most men aren’t naturals at Networking. And, if the truth be known… I don’t think many of us spend a lot of time “peering down from our perches of privilege and entitlement at the rest of the world.”
No, closer to the truth is that many men are “lone wolves”…. Who count their wives as their best and oftentimes “only” friend. This is an enormous and unhealthy burden to place on a single relationship.
Any many men I know, myself included, carry burdens of sadness and worry that they dare not share fully with anyone, particularly women or their spouse. But things need to be shared and discussed to be dealt with.
This lively interactive MEN's discussion group is open to all men who are seeking a nonjudgmental environment to explore who we are as men in mind, body and spirit in today’s world. This meeting is not therapy. It is a peer lead community of men working together to find our own truth, wisdom and joy in life by being genuine, and authentic in the expression of thoughts, feelings, fears, dreams and reflections on our lives. In doing so, we encourage and enable others, along with ourselves, on this journey through Manhood Check-in
1. Check in is mostly about your current feeling state. It is not a long, chronological account of the past week. Discern what is animating you most at that moment.
2. Beware of interruptions—even friendly ones—during a man’s check-in. There should be no "cross-talk", commentary or feedback during check-in. Each man is in charge of his own sharing, start to finish. Invite group members to offer no advice, judgment, questions or personal testimony that disrupts another’s sharing. Focused and patient listening is a gift that fosters an environment in which full authenticity is more likely.
Things we need to cover
1. Rules, Agreements and guidelines:
2. Meeting frequency, time, place, duration
3. Covenant for the group
4. Topics – next meeting
1. Take full responsibility for yourself. This is your group and you are responsible for getting what you want. 2. Tell the truth. To the best of your ability, let others know what is happening for you.
Rules ….
1. If you are going to be late or absent, call someone. This saves waiting and wondering.
2. Don’t least the group permanently without saying goodbye. An unannounced dropout is like a death in the family and can result in much confusion for other group members.
Agreements …
1. Speak freely and openly. Men need not ask permission to speak, intervene, move around , or contribute in any fashion. However, it is easier if only one man speaks at a time.
2. Speak directly to another man. Instead of “Bob seems sad,” speak to him: “Bob, you seem sad to me,” or “I imagine you are angry right now.”
3. Any man may “pass.” If someone is uncomfortable with a topic or does not wish to disclose personal information at any time, he should feel completely comfortable in not expressing himself.
4. Be aware of feelings. Express them. Because avoidance of feelings is so ingrained, give special attention to how men feel, and encourage feeling statements. “I feel happy” or “I’m afraid.”
5. Be here and now. Emphasize the present. As much as possible, stay in the here and now by describing present-time experience.
6. Use “I” statements. Rather than using the editorial “we” or “you”, speak for yourself. “I feel comfortable.”
7. Avoid questions, especially “why” questions. Before asking a question (or answering one) consider the statement behind your question and express the direct statement instead. Example:
Question: “Why are you looking at me?”
Statement: “I’m not comfortable when you look at me like that.”
8. Avoid judgments; be descriptive. Describe the man’s behavior and your response. In this way you do not lay a trip on someone else, and you take responsibility for your own reactions.. Example:
Instead of: “You’re really off base.”
You might say: “When you ramble on, I lose a sense of where you are going, and
I start to feel anxious.”
Possible topics
Further meetings
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