FROM A Circle of Men - KAUTH

A Circle of Men - Kauth

“Only men understand the secret fears that go with the territory of masculinity” –

Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly

It is becoming increasingly apparent to the mental health establishment that small support groups are a vital source of the supportive community feeling that so many people desperately need in this fast-moving age of alienation.

Being in a group is a move in the direction of positive change. The process of being with other people in a safe, supportive situation can actually change who we think we are.

Time commitment – A basic agreement from each member of the group to stay with the group for a certain period of time is essential.

Community commitment – Community is a safe place precisely because no one is attempting to heal or convert you, to fix you, to change you. Instead, the members accept you as you are. You are free to be you. And being so free, you are free to discard defenses, masks, disguises: free to seek your own psychological and spiritual health.

Meeting the challenge of opening ourselves to others and finding acceptance is a vital step toward becoming able to know our own power.

First Meeting:

Let’s get started. Please say your name, tell us whether you’ve ever participated in a men’s group or men’s weekend before. What is one thing you would like to get from this group? Or alternatively, what in the materials that I sent you stands out in your mind or how it was a factor in your decision to come over this evening.

What I would like to do is for each man to become aware of his immediate goals and intentions for himself in this group.

Rules, Agreements and guidelines:

1. Take full responsibility for yourself. This is your group and you are responsible for getting what you want.

2. Tell the truth. To the best of your ability, let others know what is happening for you.

Rules, Agreements and guidelines:

1. If you are going to be late or absent, call someone. This saves waiting and wondering.

2. Don’t leave the group permanently without saying goodbye. An unannounced dropout is like a death in the family and can result in much confusion for other group members.

Rules, Agreements and Guidelines:

1. Speak freely and openly. Men need not ask permission to speak, intervene, move around , or contribute in any fashion. However, it is easier if only one man speaks at a time.

2. Speak directly to another man. Instead of “Bob seems sad,” speak to him: “Bob, you seem sad to me,” or “I imagine you are angry right now.”

3. Any man may “pass.” If someone is uncomfortable with a topic or does not wish to disclose personal information at any time, he should feel completely comfortable in not expressing himself.

4. Be aware of feelings. Express them. Because avoidance of feelings is so ingrained, give special attention to how men feel, and encourage feeling statements. “I feel happy” or “I’m afraid.”

5. Be here and now. Emphasize the present. As much as possible, stay in the here and now by describing present-time experience.

6. Use “I” statements. Rather than using the editorial “we” or “you”, speak for yourself. “I feel comfortable.”

7. Avoid questions, especially “why” questions. Before asking a question (or answering one) consider the statement behind your question and express the direct statement instead. Example:

Question: “Why are you looking at me?”

Statement: “I’m not comfortable when you look at me like that.”

8. Avoid judgements; be descriptive. Describe the man’s behavior and your response. In this way you do not lay a triop on someone else, aned you take responsibility for your own reactions.. Example:

Instead of: “You’re really off base.”

You might say: “When you ramble on, I lose a sense of where you are going, and

I start to feel anxious.”