The Spiritual Needs of Men

by the Reverend Howard Dana

Sunday, April 7, 2002

In America, women attend church at a significantly higher rate than men. Thousands of mainline Christian churches, Catholic parishes, and Jewish synagogues have found their numbers dwindle through the past decades, often leaving them with congregations where the majority is elderly women. Granted, American women statistically outlive men by a decade or two, but this cannot entirely explain why so many houses of worship lack men. It cannot explain why so few younger men, single or married, are joining traditional churches. It cannot shed light on the success of fundamentalist male-oriented religious movements such as the Promise Keepers. Worship service attendance data does not contemplate the reasons people go to church. Demographics may erroneously assume that if half the country's population is male, half of every congregation should be male. But I would argue that while men and women come to church for some of the same reasons-faith development, intellectual stimulation, community-they come to church for some different reasons as well. Ignore these differences and any congregation will see a decline in male participation.

For the last two hundred years in America, the church has become an increasingly feminine institution. This is not to mean that it has become a feminist institution, but that it has wittingly or unwittingly marketed itself to women and girls and expected men and boys to continue participating as extensions of the women and girls. This may seem strange for an institution that has formally and informally held women out of formal leadership positions for the whole of its history. But the feminization of the American church has had as much to do with the nature of its male leadership as it has had to do with the people it served. Let's face it; men who are attracted to the clergy tend to be better in touch with their feminine side than other men. They tend to like relationships and enjoy the company of women. They care about the "housekeeping" aspects of church administration. Clergymen-Protestant, Catholic, and Jewish alike-have historically been educated men able to talk in a manner that better attracted women than men. And up until the past 30 years or so, these clergymen depended on a largely female volunteer labor force to help run the church. Sure the Board members and committee chairs might be men, but women filled out the committees. They ran the Sunday school and the church socials. They took care of the church's linens and sacred objects. They cooked, cleaned, sewed, and raised money for the church. Women's groups in churches and synagogues often were a locus of power. The Women's Alliance in any Unitarian Church was a force to be reckoned with. They held money and power. It was their church.

But the days of men attending church because of familial obligations are over. There are enough "worthy" distractions on a Sunday morning for any man who wants to weasel out of coming to church. There has to be something in the worship service that feeds men, or they will find little reason to attend. They have to be able to get from church something that they cannot find elsewhere. They must see themselves as a part of this institution. Churches must be attentive to the spiritual needs of men and boys.

Of all the things that draw men and boys to church, I think there are two critical functions that congregations can do for their male members. Churches can provide a place for men to feel and to surrender. Feeling and surrender. Very few places in our culture encourage men to be in touch with their feelings and to surrender control. Rarely do men have the healthy opportunity to express sorrow, anger, fear, or joy in public. Rarely do they have the opportunity to unburden themselves of the many responsibilities men psychically carry. I would like to deal with feeling and surrender individually.

You may have seen the popular bumper sticker that reads "Real men love Jesus." I usually see one of these just after a very large pickup truck has roared by me on the freeway with its American flag flying. "Real men love Jesus." Where to start to examine this? "Real men" assumes there are ways of being a man that are not real. It assumes that not all men measure up to the standard of "real." But the sticker says that real men love. It says they feel emotions and can express them. This turns the popular notion of a "real man"-cold, tough, strong, silent, in control-on its head. It says real men really aren't what we thought they were. Real men love. And real men love Jesus-another man, for Heaven's sake! Overlay religion and same-sex affection on love and you are light years from that strong, silent, "real" man. The bumper sticker audaciously claims faith can so fully alter masculinity that loving another man becomes a benchmark of manliness. "Real men love Jesus," says real men have feeling. "Real men love Jesus," says real men have faith. I still question whether the yahoo who just cut me off with his monster truck is really a sensitive new-age guy or not, but there is his bumper sticker for the entire world to see. Maybe there is hope after all.

Whether they realize it or not, men come to church to feel. They come to hear words and sing songs that invoke emotion. They come to church because there a space is consistently opened in which they can experience grief, joy, fear, and anger in the company of other people. In church men are not expected to stifle their emotions or pretend they don't exist. Men can cry in church in a way that would be unacceptable elsewhere in public. Men can express doubt and worry in church because they understand how their expression adds to the communal trust of a congregation rather than diminishing their individual manhood. Men can be angry in church-angry at God, angry as the social injustices of the world, angry with their own failings-angry in a proactive, healthy way, angry in a way that promotes positive change rather than further destruction. Whether they realize it or not, men come to church to feel.

I would hope that our congregation would be an emotional/spiritual health club for men. I would hope that by routinely coming here and thinking, praying, and reflecting on life, our men might be better able to weather life's emotional storms. I would hope that by making a commitment to our congregation, men might find a path to their deepest feelings, leading them to a place of inner peace. This peace will then radiate out into their families, workplaces, and neighborhoods. Just as a health club will do a man no good unless he goes there and works out consistently, church attendance can only yield what a man is willing to put into it. If there is little dedication to exercise, there will be little gain in health. If there is little dedication to a man's spiritual and emotional life, there will be little gain in personal insight, relief from pain, or growth of love. A man who finds the church brings his life a greater sense of fulfillment will do well to encourage other men to make a similar commitment. I know I work out better at the gym when there are others around me going about their fitness routines. I know I work out better at the gym when there is a trainer to answer my questions or help me with an exercise. For me, going to the gym is as much a social activity as it is a fitness activity. I am there for myself, but I know I am part of a larger dedication to health. Church is the same thing. The changes a man will feel from week to week might not even be noticeable, but over months, years, or a lifetime, the cumulative effect is impressive. Men come to church for emotional fitness. They come to church to feel.

Men also come to church to surrender. They come to gladly surrender themselves to some larger life process. They come to lay a burden down. They come to be relieved-to worship and be renewed. I know that the word "surrender" takes many of you somewhere you would rather not go-especially if you are a man. But I do not mean it in the way you think. I do not mean to say that men (or women for that matter) come here to give up. They do not come to grovel or be subservient. They do not look for a place to be subjugated. More men come to church to step into the river of life with everyone else. They come here to see their place in the larger workings of life's systems. They come here to realize again and again that they are not responsible for the world. They come to recognize their part in the interdependent web of all existence. They come to gladly acknowledge that they cannot make it in this life alone. Men come to rest for a while in the faith that living needs all of us, not just some of us, not just the strong, not just the select, but all of us.

One of the most powerful things a man can do is humble himself amid a community of believers. To humble himself by turning his desire to succeed toward cooperation. To humble himself by acknowledging his gentleness. To humble himself by listening more than speaking, serving more than being served, feeling more than thinking. Anyone who has ever experienced personal power can tell you that a person's greatest strength comes through vulnerability. Through the ability to surrender comes the greatest opportunity for growth. Church is a place where a man need not prove himself in macho ways. It is a place where he can set down his worldly responsibilities, if only for an hour, and worship among equals. At its best, church will ask of a man the very things the secular world claims to have little time for. At its best, church will ask a man to team his heart with his hands to help in building community. In church, a man can listen to other people's children and interact with them. In church, a man can talk with other men and women across generational lines without needing to prove himself. In church a man can learn to love his neighbor and his God.

My family has long understood "churchmanship." (I will leave the sexist nature of this term alone for a moment, acknowledging that I have known many women who exhibited fine churchmanship.) By "churchmanship," my family has traditionally understood the way a man could serve his congregation and also remain open to its faith-forming influence. A churchman knows the inner workings of the church. His knowledge of the physical plant allows him to care for the building and serve the congregation's needs for hospitable space. A churchman can help the minister at anytime during the worship service-whether to step in for someone who failed to show up; escort a dangerous or inappropriate person out of the sanctuary; quickly supply a forgotten hymnal, candles, or offering plate; or step in to lead the service if the minister suddenly fell ill. A churchman can help the minister out of any embarrassing social situation by simply singing his or her praises. He keeps an eye out for visitors to see that their needs are met and that they feel at home. My great grandfather was a churchman. My grandfather was a churchman. My father was a churchman. And I was one, too, until I joined the ranks of the clergy. One of the greatest griefs of my life came when I gave up my lay status and my churchmanship. For to be a churchman was to love my religious institution and serve it well. It was a place of honor and service. It asked me to be responsive to my own feelings as well as the feelings of others. It asked me to submit to my larger faith tradition while caring for it on the local level. Churchmanship helped fill my spiritual needs as a man. I wish its blessings on any of you-men or women-its honor and its service will add much to your life. We are blessed in this church by a number of churchmen and churchwomen. But this role is especially important for our men.

I can think of nothing more healing for the world than a man in church. A man who will sing hymns and pray prayers. A man who will come to church with his family. A man who will come to be with his friends. A man who can acknowledge the pain of the world and not have to excuse it away. A man who can open his heart to feel a full range of emotions. A man who can rest for a while in grace and be free. If you are a man, nurture this healing in yourself. If you are a woman, help the men in your life nurture their faith. For by doing so, you change the world. You right wrongs. You participate in the act of creation.

Let me speak plainly to my fellow men. It is important that you are here. It is important to me personally. As your minister, I need you to take an active role in furthering your own spiritual life-however you define it. I need you to be a part of this good institution, working for its continued health. I need you to bring your ideas, hope, and dreams to our common endeavor. I need you to bring your smiles and your tears to the work we do together.

Our women need you to be here in church. They need to know that men are on their side in the continuing struggle against sexism. They need you to help them stand proudly as religious liberals in a religiously conservative area. Our women need you because you are their husbands, fathers, brother, uncles, and grandfathers. Our women need you because you are their friends.

Our children need you to be here in church. They need to know that men care for them. They need men to teach them and listen to them. They need to know there are men with whom they are safe. They need to see their fathers, brothers, grandfathers, and uncles engaged in the church they are engaged in. Our children need you to be role models as they grow in their faith and maturity. Our youth need you to be in church so that when they are in need, there are understanding men to turn to. Our youth need you here more than you may ever realize as they deal with the pressures of teen life. Dating, sex, alcohol and drugs, suicide, driving, sports, college, and jobs all raise difficult questions. Our teens need men in their lives.

Gay men and straight men need each other. Black men and white men need each other. Lesbians and Latinas, Asian women and black women, young and old-all need men in their lives. Churches need men just as much as men need churches. It is important that you are here. Be proud of your role here. Be grateful for the path that has brought you here. Believe in yourself. Work for justice. And believe in the power of love to change the world. We are all glad you are here.

So be it.

Amen.